Happy November!

Ok, so if you’ve read my previous blog post, you know that I’m experiencing a transition in my life and that I’m trying to embrace all of the feelings that come with it—both the good and the bad. How is it going? Well, I’m on my third glass of wine tonight. This is the first week I’ve fully had time to sit in my feelings and you know what? I don’t really like it! LOL.

The first week after my year long contract with a client ended in October, I went on a road trip. The second week was a very stressful week with the election (very happy with the results even though it took 5 emotional days to find out!) plus I was called back to work for a couple days with my previous client This week, I haven’t had any distraction. No paid work and no road trips. Just me, myself, and I. I’ve been very productive personally though. I’ve done some purging by cleaning and organizing my apartment, running errands, and making calls to customer service to fix things. Errands, tasks, and cleaning take up so much time. I don’t know how people get any of these things done with a full-time job. If I didn’t have free time this week, these items would still be on my to-do list.

It’s very lonely not having to interact with people through work, even if it is via zoom nowadays with the pandemic. The pandemic has really exacerbated the situation because of social distancing and not being able to travel freely during my time off as I would normally. I don’t know how I did this last year. Last year, I devoted most of the year, after quiting my job, to working on my cookbook. I was very determined and spent the first 6 months of last year cooking everyday with very little social interaction and very minimal consulting work. And all of that was self-imposed. Now, it has only been a week and I’m already uncomfortable. How did I survive last year?

I’m trying to surrender to the discomfort while still moving forward. I finished two new books this month—The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck and Psychopath Free (recommended by my therapist). I enjoyed The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck. It preaches embracing your problems because they provide opportunities to improve. It also discusses toxic positivity, which is something I can definitely relate to. I feel like the toxic positivity thought process is popular right now (and also super annoying), especially in Los Angeles. Having feelings and discussing and working through your problems are human and all parts of the healing process. But people sometimes get uncomfortable hearing about your problems and want to solve it or spin it into a positive immediately. Before sweeping everything under the rug through phrases like, “sending you love and light,” “good vibes only,” “try to be positive,” or “let’s try to reframe that,” take a minute to acknowledge the shitty problem and the negative (real and human) feelings that accompany it. Those “negative” feelings are helpful in catapulting you into changing a shitty situation into a better situation. If everything was happy all the time, then we would never change. All emotions need to be felt and explored in order for you to learn more about yourself, heal, and move forward.

Anyway, that’s my two cents for now. Thought it would be helpful to publicly journal [blog] while I’m in my state of discomfort.

Road Trip!

Endings always make me feel sad and nostalgic for what was or used to be. Even if ending something felt right and is the best thing to do. Yes, beginnings can be exciting too but beginnings are unknown and uncertain and always give me a little bit of anxiety.

That is how the end of the year always feels for me. And that feeling usually starts around fall, as we approach my birthday in November which is the end of MY year, and continues into the holidays, and then into New Years—the end of everyone’s year.

In addition to these calendar endings, I am experiencing other endings in my life as well. My year long project with a client has come to an end. Two of my good friends decided to move out of Los Angeles with their families to more affordable cities so that they can save money while working from home during the pandemic. I closed the door on a new and meaningful relationship that started during the pandemic (imagine that!) and initially had so much potential. My therapist is no longer able to accept my health insurance after this month (don’t even get me started on how difficult it is to even find a NEW therapist who accepts your insurance and is accepting new patients).

All of these endings are just too much for my little heart to handle! It’s a lot of change and transition. It hurts. And it’s uncomfortable. And I’m just tired. Tired of it all.

With these endings, I decided to embark on a solo road trip to clear my head. Traveling is usually my go-to for recharging my soul. I do it every November so that I don’t get sad on my birthday. But this year is different. We are in a pandemic and traveling via plane and/or abroad is highly discouraged. My next best option is a road trip. I like road trips but they are definitely more enjoyable with someone. As much traveling as I have done solo, I would much prefer to share all of these experiences. But also, I don’t want to let not having a partner discourage me from exploring the world.

I decided to go to The Grand Canyon. It has been on my list for a long time and I had been waiting to go with someone but I didn’t want to wait anymore. It’s a long drive from Los Angeles, so I broke up the trip by stopping in Vegas on the way there and back. I also stopped at The Valley of Fire, an hour east of Vegas. Both Vegas and Valley of Fire were a lot of fun. It’s easy to distract yourself with a nice bath, cocktails, and room service. I also really enjoyed exploring The Valley of Fire. As a state park, it was much more manageable and not as overwhelming as a national park.

Afterwards, I headed down to The Grand Canyon and I was amazed by the spectacular view. The Grand Canyon is massive but it left me feeling really small and a little sad and alone. There wasn’t as much distraction as there was in Vegas, as the food and accommodations there were pretty basic. My hotel room was freezing. The restaurant nearby where I had to pick up food wasn’t very good and they messed up my order twice so I never got what I ordered and paid for.

I found myself wanting to leave immediately. I felt anxious to get back to Vegas and to return home. I felt uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with all of the changes in my life. Uncomfortable with this fucking year of 2020. Running off to Vegas and Arizona did not solve my problems. Not that I thought it would. But I thought it would maybe do something to ease my mind and heart. And I’m not sure that it did. I was anxious the entire time and did not sleep well at all. But I did check two new places off my list and that’s pretty incredible. I did a long road trip by myself through three states and that’s pretty impressive.

Then I remembered that it is in your discomfort and pain that you grow and find a deeper connection to who you are and your purpose. This is something I must have loosely heard or read from Oprah or another motivational speaker in some format. While driving back to my hotel room from The Grand Canyon on my last night after watching the sunset, I thought, maybe I just need to sit in this discomfort and surrender to the pain and see what happens versus trying to control it, manage it, change it, or distract myself from it. Just let the pain sit there and pass through. I can handle it, right? I’ve been through these things before. But it never gets any easier.

Maybe that was the sole purpose of this road trip for me. Not to ease my mind and heart, but to learn how to surrender to the discomfort and pain. Observe my feelings and thoughts. Find inspiration for change. Learn and grow from these uncomfortable feelings. This doesn’t mean wallow in my sadness and stop doing things to feed my heart and soul (well, maybe just for a day or two or even a week). It just means stop placing all my focus on the pain and confusion by trying to find immediate solutions in order to rush through it or resist or avoid feeling it. And just maybe then, the pain will pass through quicker and answers will organically appear to me sooner. This is all just part of the process. You can’t have the good without the bad. The depth and understanding without the hardship. So here it goes, again.

The End of Summer 2020

We are in the middle of a heatwave in Los Angeles right now. It’s the end of August and also the end of the summer of 2020. What a year it has been! We are still in the midst of an on-going pandemic, which I don’t think anyone expected to last this long. The pandemic has forever changed our lives in so many ways.

Like many of you, I resisted the reality of the pandemic when Covid first took over the world. I thought it would be temporary. I was caught up in the initial shock and hysteria. I was annoyed by the inconvenience of long lines at the grocery stores, sold out supplies, business closures, and the lockdown. I was sad for the people who got sick, the kids who couldn’t go to school, and the people who lost their jobs. I was worried about the future of our economy. But other than that, I really wasn’t ready to look beyond the surface. And yet, it still felt like the world was ending because globally, we have never experienced anything like this before in our modern world that is dependent upon instant gratification, technology, endless options, and distractions.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. Up until the pandemic hit, I was working so much—balancing three clients, working day and night and weekends, in addition to managing my social media and blog, testing out recipes, and creating content. On top of all of that, I was in a relationship that drained whatever energy I had left. I was burnt out. I lost sight of the things that brought me happiness. I stopped making time for me.

But then at the start of the pandemic, my relationship ended and my work focus shifted to one client. I still continued blogging and creating content but I had more time on my hands with the lockdown and social distancing. I distracted myself with practicing ukelele, Marie-Condo-ing my closet, trying new recipes, reading, baking nutella swirl banana bread, joining Instagram Live Yoga Sculpt classes, and going on long walks. For awhile, these distractions worked. Then after a couple of months of lockdown and limited exposure to the outside world, I was spending a lot of time in my own thoughts and starting to feel very alone and isolated. I felt disconnected from my friends and family. Old traumas were triggered and I became depressed. My world seemed foggy. I lost touch with myself and I didn’t know what to do to pull myself out of the darkness.

It was a rough journey at the beginning. I was forced to grow in ways I didn’t expect. I always think I’m done growing, that I know myself, that I’ve learned everything that I’ve needed to learn, and that I’ve resolved all my past issues. The truth is, that job is never done. We are constantly faced with challenges and lessons throughout our lives and the year of 2020 is no different. As Oprah says, life is a master class and we are the students. We are tested over and over again, in different ways. And there is not one same solution.

I had to relearn how to create happiness and joy for myself in new, small and simple ways. I had to stop worrying and planning for a future that is now even more uncertain than ever. Healing really forces you to focus on the present moment and take life day by day. It does not happen overnight and does not result from making one change. Healing is a combination of many things, that together, propel you forward. I joined a support group. I started reaching out to more people, to create a community for myself with social distant walks or picnics. I set boundaries with work and committed to taking summer Fridays off to do something for myself that brings me joy, whether it meant creating new content by testing out new recipes or taking myself out for a solo lunch date or spending the day at the beach. Somehow, over the course of July, I felt so much better.

I’m an introvert at heart and I’m always searching for a connection with everyone I meet. However, I don’t always find it with people and it’s even harder to find it during a pandemic. Plus, I live in Los Angeles. I don’t think it’s crazy for me to say that it’s really hard to find a connection with people here. But this summer has taught me to reconnect with myself. And as a result, I’m learning how to reconnect with the world again. Not every connection has to be a soulful, deep connection. I think I always have that expectation of people, which would leave me feeling disappointed in the past. Now, I’m accepting the fact that some connections are small connections, but even small connections matter, especially during a global crisis.

I’m such a nerd at heart. Even my approach to mental health is nerdy. I takes notes of things that come up during the week as I engage with the world, interact with people, listen to podcasts, and participate in support group. Then I discuss these topics during my therapy sessions. I’m doing my homework. I’m working on me. It’s not always easy to do but it definitely pays off. I was so upset and depressed during the first four months of the pandemic. But these last two months of summer, I have felt so much stronger emotionally. I’ve learned so much about myself and I’m proud of my growth.

Surprisingly, I’ve had a good summer. I’ve gone to the beach more this summer than I have ever before. I’ve seen schools of dolphins almost every time I’ve visited the beach. I’ve had lovely picnics and hangouts in the park. I’ve reconnected with nature. I’ve befriended my neighbors. I made a new romantic connection. I’ve had the best birria tacos from a food truck in Echo Park. I’ve partnered with some new brands to create some fun collaborations. I’ve spent more time enjoying sunsets on my rooftop.

Now it’s the end of August and the end of summer and I can honestly say that I feel happy right now. Happy! Imagine that! Happy during a pandemic and global crisis! I’m going to try to hold onto this feeling for as long as I can because nothing in life is constant. The pandemic has really forced me to enjoy the moment, slow down, and be more present. As hard as it has been, I am so grateful for all my lessons this year.