Dreams...

I had a challenging last week. Can I blame it on Mercury in Retrograde? Some things fell through, professionally and personally, and it made me feel sad, discouraged, and stressed. What am I doing with my life? Am I making the right decisions? What did I do wrong? Etc etc. While it’s human to feel these emotions and have these thoughts, I didn’t want to linger in that head space for too long. I needed to let go, shake it off, and move on.

When I’m feeling anxious or stressed, I have a hard time sleeping. I replay events in my head and over-analyze things unnecessarily, recreating the feelings of negative emotions. Earlier last week, I had one of those dreams where everything went wrong and then it ended with someone saying to me, “Davy, I’m so disappointed in you.” We can analyze that in so many different ways. For example, my mother is not the most supportive mom in regards to my endeavors. I have never heard her say she’s proud of me (until one time recently when I got mad at her). It’s not part of her language or culture, but that’s another long story. However, I can definitely remember her telling me several times about how disappointed she is in me. And if she didn’t say it blatantly, her disapproval was always obvious in her tone and choice of words. Anyway, I was feeling stressed and insecure and it was manifesting in my dream that night.

My friend suggested I try Insight Timer, a free app for meditation and sleep. It’s amazing. I’m not able to stay awake for the entire meditation but I believe you still absorb the positive words while you drift off into sleep. After using Insight Timer a few times, I had the most comforting dream by the end of last week. I was in a small plane with a guy I used to date. I don’t think there is any significance with that particular person because he was never anyone I was serious with. He was that guy I had fun with briefly, which I guess has a different type of significance. My mother never wanted me to have fun growing up—”You had fun last week, you don’t need to have fun again this week.” As if having too much fun is a bad thing that needed to be controlled and restrained. In this dream, we were about to jump out of the plane to skydive. I was scared and nervous. He comforted me and said, “It’s okay, just hold my hand.” So I held his hand and then we jumped out of the plane together. I was shocked because it didn’t feel as scary as I had anticipated. The view was beautiful. I felt light and free. But when we started to get closer to the ground, I panicked because I didn’t know what to do. He reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. He instructed me to deploy the parachute and then we pulled it together. We landed softly and smoothly on our feet in a field where there were people out picnicking and kids playing. It was a beautiful sunny day. I felt relieved and at peace. I was impressed with myself for being brave enough to go through with skydiving, and I was also so grateful that I survived! It didn’t matter how scared I was, I still let go and jumped out of the plane. I still landed on my feet. Those feelings stayed with me when I woke up the next morning. I felt calm, comforted, and hopeful that regardless of what happened last week, things will all work out.

As I was still thinking about the dream again this week, I was reminded of a motorcycle accident I was in 11 years ago. My guy friend showed up at my doorstep to pick me up for dinner on a motorcycle. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on it because I had never been on one before in the USA but he persuaded me. I conceded because I felt that I needed to say yes to more experiences in my life at that time. I had trouble putting on my helmet so he helped me put it on but I didn’t realize he didn’t buckle it. We didn’t have to ride very far for me to feel unsafe with him. I told him he was going too fast and he disagreed. In less than 2 miles, at an intersection, he hit a moving car making a left turn in front of us. My body flew off the bike and hit another moving car, my helmet flew off my head, and my body fell lifelessly onto the concrete pavement. I have no memory of the impact because I was unconscious and didn’t wake up until the paramedics came to the scene. Fortunately, I didn’t have any major injuries. However, I did suffer from a concussion, had a contusion on my head the size of a golf ball (in my memory, it felt like the size of a baseball), purple bruises and scrapes all over my body, and a sprained wrist and hand. My last thought that night before the accident was, “Oh shit, are we going to make it?” Even though we had the right of way, I felt like my friend was at fault because he was going too fast and could have avoided the accident. He also didn’t listen to me when I told him I was nervous and wanted him to slow down. I trusted him and he failed me that night. My injuries could have been worse. I could have died.

I’m grateful that I survived that crash. But I wonder if, in a way, I have trouble giving up control as a result of that incident. Because when I gave up control in that situation, I got myself into a really bad accident. Do I subconsciously equate control with surviving and letting go with death? In my dream last week, I finally let go, gave up control, jumped out of a plane, and had a beautiful new experience and a smooth landing.

In life, all the little moments impact us. All the big moments impact us as well. Some more heavily than others. Sometimes we ignore how situations, people, circumstances, and things make us feel. Maybe it’s connected to something that has happened to us in the past or maybe not. Those feelings inevitably manifest somehow—in our dreams, in our relationships, in our health. I would like to think that the Universe gives us signs to follow and guide us through life. We just have to pay closer attention. Other times, I search for meaning in things that I just can’t shake off for some reason and yet still find no answer. Because you won’t know why things happen, until they have happened. I have to trust that all things will happen for me in time. This is not an excuse for me to be lazy or to give up. It’s a reason to keep going, to keep moving forward, and maybe to switch things up. Who knows? But at the very least, this rant was cathartic :)

Fun Facts

Hi friends!  It has been awhile since I shared some info about myself so I thought I would divulge some fun facts:

• My parents survived the genocide in Cambodia

• I was born in a refugee camp in the Philippines before coming to the USA when I was a month old

• Raised by a single mother ‍

• I am an immigrant and an American and proud of it

• Grew up in Boston but don’t really follow any of the sports teams

• I’m an introvert, Scorpio, and a lefty!

• I am an INFJ on the Meyers Briggs test, which makes up 1% of the population

• I love love love to travel but hate to fly

• I have 2 sisters. I’m the middle child. My stepfather and 3 stepbrothers are from France. We are basically the Asian Brady Bunch

• I get scared all the time. Lots of things worry me, scare me, and stress me out. But I try to do all of those things anyway

• I love the desert

• I have twin star tattoos on my left wrist in memory of my maternal grandparents ⭐️⭐️

• I quit my corporate job in fashion to pursue my passion project of creating a cookbook of my mom’s recipes and it has been a really hard but amazing journey

• I love love love Excel, is that strange?

• I am def no princess.  I am a woman warrior like my mom

Ok, I just shared a lot about myself! Now tell me something unique about you! ️

Back from NYC!

I can’t believe I skipped the entire month of June without writing a blog post! Where did the time go?! After returning from a month long trip to Boston to test out recipes with my mom, I was in LA for a week before I had to fly back out to the east coast again to NYC to see family. Family from Boston, NYC, and Paris with 4 toddlers in tow. It has been an exhausting last 2 months! You have no idea how happy I am to be home! I love my space. I love my alone time. I love my home. I love LA.

I feel really behind on work that I need to do for myself. Just because I have a flexible schedule, doesn’t mean I don’t have work. Just because not all the work I do involves a paycheck, doesn’t mean it’s any less important. Just because my work doesn’t immediately produce an output doesn’t mean it’s not working towards something. Sometimes, I feel like it’s hard for people to understand that. And I just don’t want to constantly have to explain myself or remind people that. Even though the east coast was productive, I feel like I lost a little bit of the momentum I have worked hard to build to get myself motivated and committed to my journey.

Anyways, I am happy to be back home. Happy to return to my routine. Happy to get back to my schedule. Happy to be in my own kitchen cooking again on my terms. I don’t think I will be going anywhere for awhile. Here are a few shots from my trip.

Sweet Corn & Tapioca Pudding

When I think of Cambodian food, I don’t normally think of dessert. When I do finally have Cambodian dessert, I’m surprised how much I like it and wonder why I never think to make it. Dessert provides a nice ending to any meal, but it hasn’t been a priority for me in the making of this cookbook. I tend to have more of a savory palate than a sweet one. I tackled the hardest savory recipes first and I’ve saved dessert for last.

This week, I made Sweet Corn & Tapioca Pudding. It was actually quite simple to make. When I posted it on Instagram last week, I was surprised by the response from my followers asking for the recipe. This dessert seemed to get more feedback than any of my savory recipes! You asked for it and here it is. Enjoy!

Sweet Corn Pudding (Serves 4-6 )

Ingredients: 

• 3 ears of sweet corn, husks removed 

• 1 can of coconut milk 

• ¼ cup of tiny tapioca balls 

• ½ cup of sugar 

• 1 cup of water 

• pinch of salt 

Directions: 

Presoak ¼ cup of tapioca balls in a small bowl filled with cold water for 10 minutes.  Mix halfway through because the balls tend to stick together.  Drain any residual leftover water. 

In the meantime, using a knife, shave shallow layers of the raw ears of corn.  I shave about 2-3 layers of one section of the corn at a time.  However, my mom prefers smaller bits of corn.   She shaves more layers and scrapes the last couple of layers of corn from the cob. 

In a small pot over medium heat, add 1 can of coconut milk, corn shavings, and a pinch of salt.  Cook for about 10 minutes.   

Pour in the tapioca balls.   Cook for 5 minutes, stirring so that the balls and corn don’t stick to the bottom of the pot.   

Lower heat.  Pour ½ cup of sugar and 1 cup of water into the pot and stir thoroughly.  Cook for 10 more minutes.   

Try the pudding to see if it is sweet enough for your taste. I prefer it to be mildly sweet but you can add more sugar if you like.

Garnish with mint.  Serve warm or refrigerate and serve cold. 

Goodbye 2017!

How many of you were ready to say goodbye to 2017?  I definitely was ready!  2017 was a challenging year for me.  But I believe that everything that needed to happen in my life happened because I had some lessons I still needed to learn.  Even though 2017 started out a little rough, it ended very nicely... I am so grateful that all of the decisions I made last year led me to Boston for 3 weeks to cook with my mother.  It is not often we get an extended amount of time to spend with our mothers as adults!  Even though I felt like a child again living back at home (and I probably stressed my mom out), the time I had with her this past December was very special.  I also fell back in love with Boston (although, I did not fall in love with the cold).  I was fortunate to get to witness this winter's first snowfall, enjoy a white Christmas, eat delicious food, cook with my mother, read bedtime stories to my nephew, host a small baby shower for my older sister, catch up with my old high school friend, reconnect with an old college friend, reunite with friends that I made in Costa Rica last July on a yoga retreat, and surprisingly, make a new friend in the short amount of time I had in Boston.  I felt ready for 2017 to end but I also felt nostalgic to say goodbye as I reflected on that journey. 

2018, I am ready for you!!!

Green Mango Relish

Have you ever bought a Green Mango before?  I haven't until now.

I had to ask my mother about it and it was not an easy conversation.  Sometimes, she doesn't make any sense! Our heated conversation went something like this:

Me: Do I just buy a mango that is not ripe?

Mom: Yes, get a green mango.

Me: Aren't all mangoes green?

Mom: No, some mangoes get yellow/orange inside but green mangoes don't.

Me: But if I get a firm, young mango, it should be fine right?  I will just use it right away before it gets ripe sitting out on the counter.

Mom: No.  These green mangoes don't get ripe.  Ever.  They can sit on your counter for days and still don't get ripe.

Me: Then how do I know if I got the right mango?

Mom: I just know the difference.

Me: Ok, that's great but how will I know??? (Getting frustrated at this point)

Mom: The young mangoes are separated.

Me: So they have boxes that note that they are GREEN mangoes? But most mangoes are green on the outside! I don't get it!!! I've bought green looking mangoes before that are sweet! Mom!!!! 

Mom: They are different!  These mangoes never get ripe!  They are picked when they are young and never get ripe.  The regular ones are picked when they are ripe, so they will continue to get riper and sweeter after you leave them sitting out. 

Me: Ok, so the difference is when they are picked?

Mom: Yesssssss!!!!

So now I've learned that these mangoes aren't just green-colored mangoes.  They are actually referred to as "Green Mangoes" because they are unripe.  They have a slightly sour, tart flavor.  If you have never bought one before, this might all be new to you like it was for me.  However, if you have experience in Southeast Asian cooking, this may be common knowledge to you and you probably think I sound like an idiot.  WHATEVER! This was a learning experience for me.  Green mangoes can look like regular mangoes, and sometimes even have a slight exterior reddish coloring that regular mangoes can have.  But they are 3-4 times more expensive!  Who knew?! I spent $8 on 2 mangoes in order to make the above-pictured Cambodian Green Mango Relish dish. 

If you have the same question regarding Green Papaya, it also has a similar story.  I know this because I got into this same 15 minute heated conversation with my mother about green papaya.  It is different from the ripe orange flesh papaya that is used in smoothies and eaten as a fruit.  Green papaya, like green mangoes, are unripe.  They are supposedly not more expensive than regular papaya the way that green mangoes are more expensive than regular mangoes.  However, I don't have first hand experience with buying a green papaya yet (I cheated and bought my papaya pre-shredded at a Thai grocery store).  And my mom's suggestion for finding the right green papaya is to dig your nail into it while shopping for the fruit to see if it is ripe or not since she says they don't separate them at the grocery store.  Not sure I will follow her suggestion but ok, thanks, mom.  Super helpful.