Hello 2022!

Happy New Year! I’m a little late writing my first post of 2022 because…frankly, I’m still processing lol. The month of December was such a fog. I caught a cold from, I think, the one night I chose to go out with a big group of people for Santa Pub Crawl. It wasn’t Omicron, but who knows anymore with all this talk of false negatives. However, I didn’t have those related symptoms and I tested twice and was negative. But other people I had interacted with that night tested positive for Covid. I hadn’t been sick in 2 years so this felt strange.

In today’s pandemic climate, you really can’t see people or go out in public when you’re sick, even if it’s not Covid. So I had to cancel all my plans over the holidays and then semi-isolate. I hadn’t seen a single person in over 2 weeks from before Christmas and into the new year. It was so depressing. As much of a homebody and introvert as I am, it still took a toll on my mental health. The last couple years of pandemic have been so exhausting. I’m exhausted. And I know I’m not the only one, but wow. This is never-ending. Even with the vaccine and the booster.

I spent Christmas at home solo eating soup. By NYE, I still had residual symptoms but I felt better. I had more energy and was comfortable venturing out. Since I couldn’t see anybody and had such a lonely Christmas, I wanted to do something nice for myself for New Year’s Eve. I wanted to treat myself to a gift (because retail therapy does work some of the time) but the designer item I wanted was sold out after I had my heart set on it all week and I waited in line for an hour. That was disappointing. So then I went to the grocery store to pick up stuff to make myself a nice dinner that consisted of more than just broth—spaghetti arrabbiata with burrata and pumpkin tart.

But I still felt off mentally. I really didn’t want to carry that negative feeling into the new year but it was really hard to shake off. I had been isolated for over 2 weeks. I worked over Christmas and NYE holidays because I was available (since I had to cancel all my plans) even though I was sick. I hadn’t really been drinking much alcohol for the last four months since I’ve been on a hydrating kick and sort of lost my enjoyment for cocktails, wine, and bubbles. Once I felt better physically, I learned that a lot of my friends and their families caught Omicron and therefore, had to isolate and were not available. On the first work day of the new year, my work laptop died and I lost some of my work and a lot of time. Spent those first 2 work days trying to resolve that situation on top of being on a tight work deadline. I know these setbacks seem small, but I just kept feeling defeated.

By the end of the first week though, I did find that sold out item (I called incessantly to inquire) that I wanted to gift myself and it did bring me some joy. I connected with a new friend in the neighborhood and we both decided we’re commited to getting out of our sweatpants (although I love love sweatpants) and out of the house more. I signed up for some events, met some more new people, and also went on a couple of new hikes. I’m trying to do all the things while being Covid-safe. I’m not entirely there yet, but I’m trying. It would be nice if there was one simple solution that always worked, but there’s not.

It does feel good to get dressed up again and see people so sharing with you some of my recent outfits because I don’t have that much else to share at the moment. I have purchased so many sweats, joggers, and hoodies in the last 2 years! I also have several new, unworn outfits that still have tags on them sitting in my closet. These outfits need to be worn! Another reason to get out more! Human interaction/connection, exercise steps, fresh air, and to wear my unworn outfits! Even though I enjoyed being out again in the last 2 weeks, it definitely felt like work to get dressed up, go out, and socialize, being the introvert that I am. And everything seemed more expensive. Prices have increased and quality and service have declined a bit—all natural side effects of the pandemic. It’s also an adjustment going from isolation and only spending money on necessities to paying for entertainment and fun again. I could really use a massage too.

Life right now is strange. Gotta find all the little things that bring you joy. It has been raining a lot in LA lately and I like it. The gloom and overcast matches my mood and it’s comforting. It will all disippate soon though. Follow the light and eventually the fog will clear, right?

Fortunately, Chinese New Year is in 2 weeks and I will have another shot at resetting for the new year.

The End of Summer 2020

We are in the middle of a heatwave in Los Angeles right now. It’s the end of August and also the end of the summer of 2020. What a year it has been! We are still in the midst of an on-going pandemic, which I don’t think anyone expected to last this long. The pandemic has forever changed our lives in so many ways.

Like many of you, I resisted the reality of the pandemic when Covid first took over the world. I thought it would be temporary. I was caught up in the initial shock and hysteria. I was annoyed by the inconvenience of long lines at the grocery stores, sold out supplies, business closures, and the lockdown. I was sad for the people who got sick, the kids who couldn’t go to school, and the people who lost their jobs. I was worried about the future of our economy. But other than that, I really wasn’t ready to look beyond the surface. And yet, it still felt like the world was ending because globally, we have never experienced anything like this before in our modern world that is dependent upon instant gratification, technology, endless options, and distractions.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. Up until the pandemic hit, I was working so much—balancing three clients, working day and night and weekends, in addition to managing my social media and blog, testing out recipes, and creating content. On top of all of that, I was in a relationship that drained whatever energy I had left. I was burnt out. I lost sight of the things that brought me happiness. I stopped making time for me.

But then at the start of the pandemic, my relationship ended and my work focus shifted to one client. I still continued blogging and creating content but I had more time on my hands with the lockdown and social distancing. I distracted myself with practicing ukelele, Marie-Condo-ing my closet, trying new recipes, reading, baking nutella swirl banana bread, joining Instagram Live Yoga Sculpt classes, and going on long walks. For awhile, these distractions worked. Then after a couple of months of lockdown and limited exposure to the outside world, I was spending a lot of time in my own thoughts and starting to feel very alone and isolated. I felt disconnected from my friends and family. Old traumas were triggered and I became depressed. My world seemed foggy. I lost touch with myself and I didn’t know what to do to pull myself out of the darkness.

It was a rough journey at the beginning. I was forced to grow in ways I didn’t expect. I always think I’m done growing, that I know myself, that I’ve learned everything that I’ve needed to learn, and that I’ve resolved all my past issues. The truth is, that job is never done. We are constantly faced with challenges and lessons throughout our lives and the year of 2020 is no different. As Oprah says, life is a master class and we are the students. We are tested over and over again, in different ways. And there is not one same solution.

I had to relearn how to create happiness and joy for myself in new, small and simple ways. I had to stop worrying and planning for a future that is now even more uncertain than ever. Healing really forces you to focus on the present moment and take life day by day. It does not happen overnight and does not result from making one change. Healing is a combination of many things, that together, propel you forward. I joined a support group. I started reaching out to more people, to create a community for myself with social distant walks or picnics. I set boundaries with work and committed to taking summer Fridays off to do something for myself that brings me joy, whether it meant creating new content by testing out new recipes or taking myself out for a solo lunch date or spending the day at the beach. Somehow, over the course of July, I felt so much better.

I’m an introvert at heart and I’m always searching for a connection with everyone I meet. However, I don’t always find it with people and it’s even harder to find it during a pandemic. Plus, I live in Los Angeles. I don’t think it’s crazy for me to say that it’s really hard to find a connection with people here. But this summer has taught me to reconnect with myself. And as a result, I’m learning how to reconnect with the world again. Not every connection has to be a soulful, deep connection. I think I always have that expectation of people, which would leave me feeling disappointed in the past. Now, I’m accepting the fact that some connections are small connections, but even small connections matter, especially during a global crisis.

I’m such a nerd at heart. Even my approach to mental health is nerdy. I takes notes of things that come up during the week as I engage with the world, interact with people, listen to podcasts, and participate in support group. Then I discuss these topics during my therapy sessions. I’m doing my homework. I’m working on me. It’s not always easy to do but it definitely pays off. I was so upset and depressed during the first four months of the pandemic. But these last two months of summer, I have felt so much stronger emotionally. I’ve learned so much about myself and I’m proud of my growth.

Surprisingly, I’ve had a good summer. I’ve gone to the beach more this summer than I have ever before. I’ve seen schools of dolphins almost every time I’ve visited the beach. I’ve had lovely picnics and hangouts in the park. I’ve reconnected with nature. I’ve befriended my neighbors. I made a new romantic connection. I’ve had the best birria tacos from a food truck in Echo Park. I’ve partnered with some new brands to create some fun collaborations. I’ve spent more time enjoying sunsets on my rooftop.

Now it’s the end of August and the end of summer and I can honestly say that I feel happy right now. Happy! Imagine that! Happy during a pandemic and global crisis! I’m going to try to hold onto this feeling for as long as I can because nothing in life is constant. The pandemic has really forced me to enjoy the moment, slow down, and be more present. As hard as it has been, I am so grateful for all my lessons this year.

Can We Talk About Mental Health?

Mental health is so important. Especially now, when the world seems to be falling apart and the near future looks bleak and uncertain.  No one is exempt from the many effects of Covid. Life feels so confusing. Any struggles that existed for you pre-pandemic are probably amplified right now, forcing you to confront your deepest fears and inner demons. We all have them. It’s not easy.

I am grateful that I found a new therapist just before the pandemic started, who I continue to see via Zoom. This year has been tough and it has triggered a lot of trauma, which paired w the pandemic, has made me feel even more isolated and alone. After sitting with that pain for a little bit (not wallowing but exploring those feelings, triggers, and root causes), I knew I needed to do something about it. Therapy helps, but I needed something more.

So I joined a support group. I would have never thought to do this had the pandemic not happened. It’s so easy to dismiss your feelings and distract yourself with the chaos of life when the world is running as normal. And not so easy to do, when you’re mostly confined to the four walls of your home. A lot of us avoid painful emotions or trauma because it’s uncomfortable. And we don’t like to be uncomfortable. But outside the boundaries of our comfort zone is where we grow.

I had only told one other person about joining a support group. Today, I decided to share this because I believe it’s important to talk about. It’s part of human nature to crave connection and community, and to desire to be seen and understood. Sometimes, that’s not always available with the network you have. Not everyone has the capacity to be there for you in the ways that you may need. But don’t let that discourage you from finding other resources. I’m happy I did. It has only been a few weeks, but I’m so grateful that I found a support group that I can identify with. We aren’t meant to live in this world alone. We don’t have to do everything on our own.

Like many of you, I’m healing old broken wounds. I’m falling apart so that I can rebuild myself, better than before. I’m learning how to take care of ALL of me. It’s part of growth and healing. It’s part of this journey we are all on together.

It is important to remember that social media is an edited, filtered, curated, and often staged highlight reel of life. It’s not reality. Anyone can smile quickly for a photo. Remember to take care of your mind, body, and spirit.

Hi.

It is now month 3 of quarantine and social distancing. I cannot even believe it. When the lockdown first started, they said it was only going to be 2 weeks of quarantine. Even then, I thought, 2 weeks?! I can’t do 2 weeks! And now we are in month 3! It’s almost June already! This is all so crazy. They have opened up hiking trails, beaches, and parks finally, which makes things a little bit better I guess. But still, now what?

During this whole process, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs… mostly downs. It started out rough, then I adjusted to (or got used to) this new life and felt better. But then after the lockdown end-date kept getting pushed back, I fell back into a slump. On the first official day of lockdown, I had my first anxiety attacked. About a week ago after 2 months of lockdown, I had a breakdown that lasted for about a week. I couldn’t stop crying. Everything set me off. It was hard to pull myself out of it. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t trying. I definitely put an effort into trying to change my mindset. I resorted to my usual comforts—taking walks, cooking, baking, working, listening to spiritual podcasts, hiking, talking to people, drinking, meditating—but nothing made me feel better. Plus, everyone is struggling right now and preoccupied with their own challenges, so I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone helped.

When I feel this way, I get annoyed with people’s attempts to be uplifting with their excessive positivity and gratitude messages. Like you can’t just get rid of depression by thinking positively. I practice positivity and gratitude when I can, and I do appreciate positive, grateful, and kind people, but I also think it’s important to acknowledge the shit that sometimes happens in life. It’s okay to have a shit day or a shit week. Let me have that moment versus burying it. Let me explore what’s triggering those feelings and where those feelings are coming from. I’m not encouraging negativity or marinating in your unhappy thoughts. I just don’t think that because you practice positivity and gratitude, your problems are going to magically go away. It’s okay to not feel okay all the time, as long as you at least try to practice positive habits. Hopefully, things will get better with time. And if not, thank goodness for Zoom calls with therapists!

Fortunately for me, the fog lifted and I’m feeling much better this week. I can’t tell you exactly what was bothering me so much last week that changed this week. Nothing changed and I didn’t do anything differently. I continued practicing my positive habits everyday knowing that it wasn’t going to disappear overnight. Eventually those negative feelings didn’t feel so sharp anymore, even though they still linger. I am grateful that this time, the clouds didn’t hover for as long as it has in the past for me.

HOW ARE YOU ALL FEELING? Would love to hear your thoughts!