Hi.

It is now month 3 of quarantine and social distancing. I cannot even believe it. When the lockdown first started, they said it was only going to be 2 weeks of quarantine. Even then, I thought, 2 weeks?! I can’t do 2 weeks! And now we are in month 3! It’s almost June already! This is all so crazy. They have opened up hiking trails, beaches, and parks finally, which makes things a little bit better I guess. But still, now what?

During this whole process, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs… mostly downs. It started out rough, then I adjusted to (or got used to) this new life and felt better. But then after the lockdown end-date kept getting pushed back, I fell back into a slump. On the first official day of lockdown, I had my first anxiety attacked. About a week ago after 2 months of lockdown, I had a breakdown that lasted for about a week. I couldn’t stop crying. Everything set me off. It was hard to pull myself out of it. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t trying. I definitely put an effort into trying to change my mindset. I resorted to my usual comforts—taking walks, cooking, baking, working, listening to spiritual podcasts, hiking, talking to people, drinking, meditating—but nothing made me feel better. Plus, everyone is struggling right now and preoccupied with their own challenges, so I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone helped.

When I feel this way, I get annoyed with people’s attempts to be uplifting with their excessive positivity and gratitude messages. Like you can’t just get rid of depression by thinking positively. I practice positivity and gratitude when I can, and I do appreciate positive, grateful, and kind people, but I also think it’s important to acknowledge the shit that sometimes happens in life. It’s okay to have a shit day or a shit week. Let me have that moment versus burying it. Let me explore what’s triggering those feelings and where those feelings are coming from. I’m not encouraging negativity or marinating in your unhappy thoughts. I just don’t think that because you practice positivity and gratitude, your problems are going to magically go away. It’s okay to not feel okay all the time, as long as you at least try to practice positive habits. Hopefully, things will get better with time. And if not, thank goodness for Zoom calls with therapists!

Fortunately for me, the fog lifted and I’m feeling much better this week. I can’t tell you exactly what was bothering me so much last week that changed this week. Nothing changed and I didn’t do anything differently. I continued practicing my positive habits everyday knowing that it wasn’t going to disappear overnight. Eventually those negative feelings didn’t feel so sharp anymore, even though they still linger. I am grateful that this time, the clouds didn’t hover for as long as it has in the past for me.

HOW ARE YOU ALL FEELING? Would love to hear your thoughts!

Another Day in Quarantine

It has been a month now in quarantine and also the longest month ever. This pandemic seems like an episode of Black Mirror. It just feels so unreal. It’s nothing that I could have ever imagined experiencing in my lifetime. It felt like the world changed overnight. I’ve had friends try to comfort me by saying, “Well, at least we’re all in this together.” But for some reason, it doesn’t provide me with any sense of comfort. It actually makes me feel worse and scared that the whole world is experiencing the same thing. When my life is a mess, it always gives me hope to know that everything in the world outside my little bubble is not a mess. But when the entire world also feels like it’s falling apart, then what hope is there to cling onto? It feels like the world is ending. Sorry, I don’t mean to sound so negative. I just need to vent and let out all these emotions that are swirling in my head. This will be a very unique time in history and I want to have a record of how I felt.

Eight years ago when I left Hong Kong to move back to the U.S., I stopped in Cambodia for a couple of months on my own. The first few nights there felt a little bit unsettling for a couple reasons: 1.) I was traveling alone for an entire 2 months on my own for the first time and 2.) I was in a developing country that I wasn’t very familiar with. The first couple of nights, I was a little more cautious, aware of my surroundings, scared, nervous, and anxious. I had a vivid dream that the world was ending. Everything was falling apart. There was a volcano erupting, a tsunami, and an earthquake all happening at once. I was alone and paralyzed with fear and I didn’t know what to do. I closed my eyes, prayed to God (and I’m not religious) to give me the strength to accept my fate and everything that I cannot change so that I could be at peace. My palms were pressed tightly together against my chest, my body was tense, my eyes were squeezed shut, and I just kept praying over and over, rocking back and forth. And when I finally opened my eyes, I was surprised to find that everything was fine and had returned back to normal. There was no more earthquake, tsunami, or volcano eruption. Everything was okay. I was okay. I felt calm and at peace again. This dream from 8 years ago has stayed with me and I’m reminded of it whenever I feel scared or alone.

Right now, everything worries me. I’m worried about the future. There’s so much uncertainty. The news is all about the corona virus and all the new cases and deaths. It’s so sad and depressing. The rules and laws keep changing everyday. The lockdown keeps getting extended and I wonder when things will go back to normal. I just feel sad, anxious, and depressed. I miss human interaction. I miss leaving my apt. I miss hikes. I miss hugs. I miss seeing people. I’m grateful and fortunate that I still have work and that I’m healthy, but I still feel so alone and isolated. I’m not married. I don’t have a family here. I’m in this small apartment by myself, completely alone. I am getting frustrated with my small surroundings everyday. I’m finding myself getting frustrated with my tiny kitchen, getting annoyed working on the dining table because I don’t have an office, wishing I had a backyard, and hating my furniture and hating this apartment. These complaints seem so small and insignificant, I know. But I just feel so sad. Sad and stuck. I feel confused about my future as I’m sure everyone does. I feel lost again. What am I doing with my life? What do I want out of life? Too much time alone with my thoughts is not good. There must be a lesson for all of us to learn from this experience.

I have kept busy with consulting, creating content for Instagram, cooking lots (I’ve even made banana bread!), going on long walks, organizing my apartment, practicing ukelele, doing Instagram Live yoga workouts, drinking a lot, and watching lots of movies and shows (and running out of quality things to watch), but the days are still so long. I’ve also been eating a lot of ramen and frozen pizza. I sometimes Facetime with people or do Zoom happy hours with friends but there is little to talk about except the pandemic and all the negative ways it has affected all of us. I think we are all at a loss and we’re all trying to hold onto each other for some type of human connection and support. Sometimes commiserating together helps keep me sane and feel a little less lonely.

I haven’t worn real clothes in a month. Sweatpants and athleisure have been my staple and most of the times, I look awful. I don’t even care how I look on my work business Zoom video meetings. But on the bright side, I haven’t needed to wear makeup so my skin is probably healthier, I’m working out more than I ever have, and I haven’t really needed to shop in a month so my bills have been at their lowest.

I just need to accept that everything is out of my control right now. It’s out of all of our control. We just need to tackle one day at a time. While it’s important to stay positive, it’s hard to maintain that positivity and motivation every single day, especially every single day of a lockdown. And you know what? I think that’s okay. Nothing in life is constant. It’s okay to have bad days as long as you put in a little effort to have some good days too. Although after a month of lockdown, I’ve had a lot of bad days lately…sigh…

Ok, tell me something good.