Writer's Block

For the last two months, I’ve been focusing on the writing portion of my cookbook (yes, I’m still working on my never-ending cookbook). I plan to incorporate short memoir stories throughout the book that illustrate the powerful role food plays in my family and, especially in my relationship with my mother. It has been a challenge tapping into that part of myself. Not just the creative part that wants to weave together a beautiful story, but also the part of me that is trying to capture all the emotions from a nostalgic memory.

It has been exhausting. I joined a couple writing groups for support and motivation. After a couple weeks of frustration, I found two groups that I really enjoy and have made some wonderful friendly connections. I think I have created some beautiful stories, which feels so liberating and cathartic. However, I have also learned more about my family history and have been forced to revisit some painful childhood memories. It has been an emotional journey and I feel that I still have more stories to tell.

Although I have been productive the last couple of months, I’ve hit a roadblock this past week and have felt unmotivated. I need to write more but can’t seem to find the right words or be able to access the emotions I want to convey. Inspiration can sometimes be elusive. Maybe I need to switch things up?

I’m actually in a virtual writing group session now and decided to work on this blog post instead of editing my short story. Procrastination at it’s finest. At least, I’m writing thought, right? I’ve gone on several walks this weekend (not because I wanted to but because I’m dog-sitting and had to). I’ve tried opening a bottle of champagne. None of those ideas helped. Maybe I need to go for a drive to pick up tacos for lunch today? Yes, I think that’s a good idea…Maybe that will spark some inspiration.

Update. 3 hours later…

I drove to the Westside to pick up tacos and the taco place was closed. Perhaps, because of the pandemic? Or maybe because it’s Easter Monday? Who knows anymore? I was so disappointed! So then, I decided to drive in the opposite direction to get Korean fried chicken because I needed to get gas for my car and the gas station was in that direction. I really wanted tacos but fried chicken is a good alternative. I’ve been feeling indecisive about food and about life lately and don’t know what I want to eat or cook anymore. Anyway, I came home to eat my fried chicken and I took a picture of it. When I went back to my camera to look at the picture, it wasn’t there. Sometimes my phone camera does that. It’ll will make the clicking sound like you took a picture but then doesn’t save it. Or maybe it’s because I close out of it too soon? I don’t know. But now I don’t have a picture of tacos or wings to accompany this post. So now I’m just posting a picture of me on a walk.

And yes, I know I’m rambling. As you can tell, I’m not in the mood to write but I’m forcing myself to, hoping it will open the flood gates. But it’s really not working. Maybe I need to make myself a martini? Maybe I need to take a break from my project and try to figure out my life? I know that I am priviledged in that I have the luxury to think about pursuing what makes me happy versus working to surivive. This is a completely different concept from that of the previous generation—our parents’ generation. I feel guilty for this sometimes.

Okay. Time to return to procrastinating. Ideas for sparking inspiration welcome!

In My Dreams

I had the strangest dream last night. I’m driving along a narrow, dark road with rails. I don’t know where it leads. I don’t know why I’m on this road. And I don’t know where I’m going. I can’t see anything. It’s pitch black. But I keep driving anyway, using the rails to guide me. There are people in front of me but I can’t see them. I keep inching forward cautiously, afraid that I will hit someone. I can’t stay still because I’m in the middle of nowhere. I have to keep moving but I feel nervous. Finally, I get to a crossroads. Darkness has faded and there is finally light but it’s super foggy so I still can’t see very far into the distance. I have 2 options. I can choose to continue going on that same path even though I don’t know where it leads. It looks like it gets lost in the fog. Or I can go into the train station that has suddenly appeared. I choose to go into the train station, but then I don’t recognize any of the destinations on the map. I am frustrated. I don’t know which train to take, where I am, or where I’m going, or how I even got myself into this situation. I’m lost. And then I wake up.

It was one of those dreams that lingered, long after I was awake. They say that dreams are a reflection of your current state of mind. I have also heard that your mind works to resolve issues in your dreams. Perhaps, my dream was trying to tell me something or provide me with an answer to a question I didn’t know I had. This feeling of being lost has been reoccurring for me, not just in my dreams but also in real life. My dream did not need to tell me this. I had been feeling it everyday for maybe…the last year as well as on and off throughout my life. By now, I really should have learned to embrace this feeling. But I naturally resist. I get uncomfortable. I feel anxious. I fight it. I worry about not knowing my destination. I worry about being complacent. I worry about moving in all different directions but never really getting anywhere. Maybe I need to stop trying to hold on so tightly, let go and ride the wave. How do I do that?

About a year ago, I once told a stranger about my journey last year: getting laid off, starting a cookbook, and going through a break up all at once. Embrace the uncertainty, embrace the unknown, he urged. He said, “You may not like your apartment now, but you know what, this could be the last apartment you live in on your own, as a single woman, before you meet your life partner and move in with him.” When I told him about not knowing what I was doing with the cookbook, he said, “You’re going to figure it out. You’re going to finish the cookbook. Once you finish the book, you’re going to think back on this time when you didn’t know what you were doing and appreciate the journey. Embrace this part of the process.” It helped to hear someone say that to me.

This week, 2 random strangers reached out to me, one on my blog and one on my Instagram. The person who reached out to me on my blog is from San Diego and he just wanted to say that he hoped I finished the cookbook and that he loves Cambodian cooking. The person who reached out to me on Instagram wanted to tell me that she peeked at my blog and loved my story and encouraged me to keep writing because she is looking forward to my cookbook. Sometimes, kind words from strangers make all the difference.

xx

Davy

Finding Inspiration...

As I mentioned in my About section, I don't really know what I'm doing.  I have never made a professional cookbook before.  I have never not worked a corporate job before.  Making the decision to take the rest of the year off to work on a creative passion project was liberating, but also simultaneously terrifying!  At first, I was excited and inspired.  Then in the next moment, I felt discouraged and doubtful of myself.  It is difficult to make that first step.  Actually, I take that back.  It's fucking scary to take that first step.  But it's even harder to take those second, third, and forth steps!  The drive that forces you to make that initial decision is an adrenaline rush.  But then it wears off.  Somehow, you have to find the courage to push through your moment of self-doubt to keep moving and taking action.  And it has not been easy.  It has been a journey.  It has been a learning process. I've had lots of pep talks with myself.  My friends have had pep talks with me.  Who knew I needed so much support?!  And that's okay!  At least that is what I'm learning.  It's okay to ask for support.  I have often felt discouraged each time I encountered an obstacle.  But I have had to remind myself not to get overwhelmed with the bigger picture and to focus on that next step that I need to make in order to keep myself moving forward.  This week, I felt recharged after taking a break from my cookbook for one day to help my friend with her yoga photoshoot.  We spent the first part of the day at El Matador Beach in Malibu taking beautiful shots in the sand, on the rocks, in the water. We took a nice little lunch break at Malibu Seafood along the PCH.  I treated myself to a WHOLE lobster for lunch!  We then spent golden hour at Pan Pacific Park near The Grove climbing trees and doing yoga poses down in the dirt.  We ended the day sipping on wine on my balcony at sunset.  It may have been just one day of ordinary activities, but it was the fuel and inspiration I needed this week to keep moving forward.