Happy 2023!

Happy New Year! I know I’m over a month late but so much has happened since the holidays. Once November hit, the rest of the year became a blur. December was very busy with lots of holiday parties, dates, and family time. Unlike the previous two lonely pandemic years, I had a fun holiday season. Things were going really well and I had a very active social calendar, which I think contributed to me getting mildly sick at the beginning of December. Not Covid though, thankfully.

Then during the last week of the year, things took a turn. I had a few minor health issues. Discovered some new food allergies that have been affecting my skin. My eczema was acting up and I felt ugly. My chronic nose bleeds were back. I got locked out of my apartment. I had to call a locksmith, who literally left shit on my door unintentionally (I don’t know what to make of that symbolically?). Water leaked out of my ceiling. My job assignment ended. And that was all in one week! Most of it within the same day! The year ended with me feeling emotional, frantic, and anxious. Life was teasing me. Showed me some fun and then decided to tear me down with a thousand little papercuts. Year end is always emotional for obvious reasons, and I didn’t need any additional emotions involved. But you know, life. It loves to send you lessons and challenges all at once.

At the beginning of January, I went through a mini break-up. As you get older, you don’t really let yourself invest in big relationships anymore unless there is future potential. So they all tend to be mini, and nonetheless, still disappointing. I am once again at a cross-roads in my life and unemployed, which is generally fine. I’ve been here before but not in awhile, and it feels strange to be here again. I had some minor issues with a couple toxic people who needed to be extricated from my life. A little annoying to have to deal with that right after a mini break-up. But that’s life. I also lost my mom’s gold charm bracelet. I think it fell off my wrist at some point, and I’m so sad about that. My mother loves jewelry and I love wearing her jewelry. I hope it turns up soon.

Mid-January, I flew to Boston to celebrate my mother’s birthday and the Lunar New Year, which coincided on the same weekend. I hadn’t traveled back for Lunar New year in YEARS, probably at least a decade. It was really nice to get to do that again with my family, especially since it also falls close to the anniversary of my mother’s brain injury. Then when I returned, I got sick. Maybe a cold? Maybe RSV? But it was the third time I’ve been sick for the third month in a row! I’m so tired of being sick and worn down and isolated. But it did give me time to binge watch Yellowstone and Succession. Those shows kept me company while I allowed myself to really lean into resting. I gave myself time to heal, not just my physical body but also to explore all the noise in my head. If I had a job, I would not have been able to take this much time to rest. Most jobs only give you six sick days total for an entire year. I get sick often and when I do, I’m sick for like a week straight each time. If I had a job, I would have been pressured to only take a day or two off, if at all, and then work through my illness. I’m only just now on the mend and finding time to write a blog post and start checking some things off my to-do list.

And here I am. At a café on the corner of my street, trying to get myself motivated again and dig myself out of the dark hole that I’ve been in for the last few weeks. Another existential crisis. Trying to figure out my next step. I’m so overwhelmed by life lately. I’ve needed more space from people than usual, which can be good for an introvert but can be isolating as well. Last year was a hard year. I think I had been running on adrenaline for so long and now my body is finally collapsing. It’s exhausted. Maybe that’s why I’ve been sick three times for three months in a row. Maybe this is me, in recovery from 2022. Maybe I need some inspirational foreplay. Maybe I need to just love on myself a little and get a massage or treat myself to something special. Actually, I don’t know what I need but I will figure it out. Next time you hear from me, I will be in better spirits. I promise.

Recovery

Sometimes you need to break down to build up and heal. It has been the worst last two months. With everything that happened with my mom, life has been so stressful. Now that she’s home from the hospital and on the mend, and I’m back in LA, I thought the pressure that had been building up inside of me was going to subside. But it didn’t. It continued to build and build and there was no escape.

And then last week, I felt like I was going to explode and have a mental break down. I didn’t know what to do. I felt backed into a corner and I just wanted the pain to go away. Upon my return to LA, I had overbooked myself with brand and restaurant partnerships, along with my regular consulting work, on top of checking in on my mother multiple times a day, joining her doctor appointment calls, and coordinating appointments for her medical care. It was all too much after already an extremely heavy and stressful last five weeks. It felt never ending, like there was no break, no end in sight. This was just my life. And I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I decided I needed a day off of all responsibilities. I couldn’t even handle receiving text messages, let alone responding to them. I couldn’t handle looking at social media. I couldn’t focus on work. I couldn’t function period. Every little thing felt like extra weight on my back and I was about to break. So I took a Friday sick/mental health day, hoping that it would solve my problems. But I didn’t utilize it to do anything that would bring me joy or provide a release. I wanted to do something with my day, but I just couldn’t make a decision, function properly, or process anything. I wanted to get a massage but I couldn’t figure out where and the masseuse I liked wasn’t available. I wanted to go on a hike but I couldn’t get myself off my couch and out of the apartment. Then I felt annoyed with myself for not making use of my sick day to do anything that would bring me joy. One day off did not fix my problems overnight or bring me any sort of comfort like I thought it would.

That weekend, I did my own nails, which I hadn’t done in two months. I got a haircut the next day, which I hadn’t done in over a year. My hair stylist moved out of town and I was forced to try a new person at the salon. Even though he cut off some dead weight, he did not give me the cut I wanted. Beauty treatments didn’t work to lift my spirits either.

And I really didn’t do much else with the weekend that followed my sick day. Maybe I just needed to ride out the wave of negative emotions. Then this week, things slowed down. My various work commitments decreased and there were no doctor appointments for Mom this week. I also didn’t check in with her as much. I have to remind myself that she will be okay even if I don’t check in with her three times a day. I’ve been my mother’s main caregiver for the last five weeks straight and I had seen her everyday during her hospitalization. It was hard for me to leave Boston. It was hard for me to leave her. I think a part of me has still been scared and worried about her so it has been difficult for me to let go of all the responsibilities of caregiving and not check in with her multiple times a day. This has been at the added expense of me not taking care of myself though. But she’ll be okay, even if I’m not available for every moment in her continued recovery. Even if I don’t know what she’s eating for every single meal. Maybe there aren’t any quick and easy fixes right now, but reducing some of the commitments in all areas of my life, including my mother’s care, helped relieve some of the pressure. Hopefully, this will create space for me to be able to receive and feel joy again from some of my usual acts of self-care. This will be my first weekend back in LA without any sort of work commitments. I finally have an appointment with the masseuse I like this coming Sunday. I had been wanting to get a massage for months. I think I will try to go on a solo hike tomorrow to get out in nature and clear my head. Maybe I’ll even make myself something good to eat. I’m inviting joy back into my life again. And I am ready to receive.