Recovery

Sometimes you need to break down to build up and heal. It has been the worst last two months. With everything that happened with my mom, life has been so stressful. Now that she’s home from the hospital and on the mend, and I’m back in LA, I thought the pressure that had been building up inside of me was going to subside. But it didn’t. It continued to build and build and there was no escape.

And then last week, I felt like I was going to explode and have a mental break down. I didn’t know what to do. I felt backed into a corner and I just wanted the pain to go away. Upon my return to LA, I had overbooked myself with brand and restaurant partnerships, along with my regular consulting work, on top of checking in on my mother multiple times a day, joining her doctor appointment calls, and coordinating appointments for her medical care. It was all too much after already an extremely heavy and stressful last five weeks. It felt never ending, like there was no break, no end in sight. This was just my life. And I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I decided I needed a day off of all responsibilities. I couldn’t even handle receiving text messages, let alone responding to them. I couldn’t handle looking at social media. I couldn’t focus on work. I couldn’t function period. Every little thing felt like extra weight on my back and I was about to break. So I took a Friday sick/mental health day, hoping that it would solve my problems. But I didn’t utilize it to do anything that would bring me joy or provide a release. I wanted to do something with my day, but I just couldn’t make a decision, function properly, or process anything. I wanted to get a massage but I couldn’t figure out where and the masseuse I liked wasn’t available. I wanted to go on a hike but I couldn’t get myself off my couch and out of the apartment. Then I felt annoyed with myself for not making use of my sick day to do anything that would bring me joy. One day off did not fix my problems overnight or bring me any sort of comfort like I thought it would.

That weekend, I did my own nails, which I hadn’t done in two months. I got a haircut the next day, which I hadn’t done in over a year. My hair stylist moved out of town and I was forced to try a new person at the salon. Even though he cut off some dead weight, he did not give me the cut I wanted. Beauty treatments didn’t work to lift my spirits either.

And I really didn’t do much else with the weekend that followed my sick day. Maybe I just needed to ride out the wave of negative emotions. Then this week, things slowed down. My various work commitments decreased and there were no doctor appointments for Mom this week. I also didn’t check in with her as much. I have to remind myself that she will be okay even if I don’t check in with her three times a day. I’ve been my mother’s main caregiver for the last five weeks straight and I had seen her everyday during her hospitalization. It was hard for me to leave Boston. It was hard for me to leave her. I think a part of me has still been scared and worried about her so it has been difficult for me to let go of all the responsibilities of caregiving and not check in with her multiple times a day. This has been at the added expense of me not taking care of myself though. But she’ll be okay, even if I’m not available for every moment in her continued recovery. Even if I don’t know what she’s eating for every single meal. Maybe there aren’t any quick and easy fixes right now, but reducing some of the commitments in all areas of my life, including my mother’s care, helped relieve some of the pressure. Hopefully, this will create space for me to be able to receive and feel joy again from some of my usual acts of self-care. This will be my first weekend back in LA without any sort of work commitments. I finally have an appointment with the masseuse I like this coming Sunday. I had been wanting to get a massage for months. I think I will try to go on a solo hike tomorrow to get out in nature and clear my head. Maybe I’ll even make myself something good to eat. I’m inviting joy back into my life again. And I am ready to receive.

Back from NYC!

I can’t believe I skipped the entire month of June without writing a blog post! Where did the time go?! After returning from a month long trip to Boston to test out recipes with my mom, I was in LA for a week before I had to fly back out to the east coast again to NYC to see family. Family from Boston, NYC, and Paris with 4 toddlers in tow. It has been an exhausting last 2 months! You have no idea how happy I am to be home! I love my space. I love my alone time. I love my home. I love LA.

I feel really behind on work that I need to do for myself. Just because I have a flexible schedule, doesn’t mean I don’t have work. Just because not all the work I do involves a paycheck, doesn’t mean it’s any less important. Just because my work doesn’t immediately produce an output doesn’t mean it’s not working towards something. Sometimes, I feel like it’s hard for people to understand that. And I just don’t want to constantly have to explain myself or remind people that. Even though the east coast was productive, I feel like I lost a little bit of the momentum I have worked hard to build to get myself motivated and committed to my journey.

Anyways, I am happy to be back home. Happy to return to my routine. Happy to get back to my schedule. Happy to be in my own kitchen cooking again on my terms. I don’t think I will be going anywhere for awhile. Here are a few shots from my trip.

Time to Get Cookin' Again

After spending the month of January mainly combing through my photos and recipes (and also distracting myself with organizing my apartment the Marie-Kondo way), I made a list of outstanding recipes that I need to finally attempt to make or redo. This month of February has been nonstop cooking and recipe tweaking.

I’ve decided that I needed to kick my own ass into high gear. Maybe I’m being hard on myself but I really feel like I slacked off in January. In the past, I’ve worked hard (late hours, skipped meals, no breaks) for other companies when I was accountable to someone else. Why can’t I work just as hard, if not harder, for myself and hold myself accountable? It’s easy to make up excuses for yourself. This month, I decided I have no excuses. I’ve taken time off of working, walking away from a full-time salary in the fashion industry to pursue this passion project of creating a cookbook based on my mom’s Cambodian recipes. I can’t just allow myself to dilly dally while being unemployed. This is not a vacation.

So I have set up some rules for myself this month. No TV during the day. If I need to stop working to eat, then I need to be on my phone, working on expanding my Love in My Belly Instagram following and/or creating new content to share. If I need to take a break, then I have the option of doing squats, crunches, or I can go for a walk. If I need to mix things up, I can write a blog post (like right now) or work on writing some stories for the cookbook. I need to work nights and weekends even if I have social plans (which I really have not had a lot of lately). No feeling sorry for myself for not being social. Work instead, and be proud of what I have accomplished that day for my passion project.

As a result of these new rules for myself, I’ve worked every day for the last 3 weeks. I have also been juggling some fashion consulting Excel projects on the side. I’m exhausted. I have been having back spasms too. I think it may be from running around, sitting at my dining table all day, and probably stress. I think I’ve gotten a little loopy as well. I’ve done some strange things like leave my keys in my door knob, left the oven on all night, and put a baking sheet lined with aluminum foil in the oven without the frozen pizza. Maybe taking a day off would be helpful. I went from one extreme to the next. I don’t want to lose my momentum. I’m committed to working every day for the month of February and I’m going to stick to it. However, maybe I can still honor my commitment while also being kinder to my body and allow myself some longer breaks. This afternoon I have an appointment for a body massage, which I’m pretty excited about. I normally don’t indulge in those types of treats very often but these back spasms have been quite uncomfortable.

It has definitely been a productive month so far—running around to 5 different grocery stores sometimes in 1 day, making a mess in my tiny kitchen, lots of dishes, calls with my mom (sometimes 3-5 times a day to walk through recipes), taking photos on my balcony (and sometimes fighting with a squirrel that sometimes creeps up on me during my photo shoots), editing photos, editing recipes, writing new recipes, searching for new props, working on consulting projects, growing my Instagram, learning how to create my first media kit, etc etc. And you know what? I worked hard and I actually feel like I worked hard and that I am deserving of saying that about myself. I didn’t feel that way about myself in January at all. I am proud of the new recipes I tried this month. Some of them were really difficult and I need to redo them still but the fact is, I did them. I didn’t resist. I didn’t make up excuses. I just made them. I ignored feelings of doubt and discouragement that would sometimes creep into my thoughts, and just did it, even if I was feeling lazy or tired. Some of the dishes didn’t come out exactly right, which can be frustrating. That’s okay though because each trial and error is one step closer to the final product. I will get there.

In My Dreams

I had the strangest dream last night. I’m driving along a narrow, dark road with rails. I don’t know where it leads. I don’t know why I’m on this road. And I don’t know where I’m going. I can’t see anything. It’s pitch black. But I keep driving anyway, using the rails to guide me. There are people in front of me but I can’t see them. I keep inching forward cautiously, afraid that I will hit someone. I can’t stay still because I’m in the middle of nowhere. I have to keep moving but I feel nervous. Finally, I get to a crossroads. Darkness has faded and there is finally light but it’s super foggy so I still can’t see very far into the distance. I have 2 options. I can choose to continue going on that same path even though I don’t know where it leads. It looks like it gets lost in the fog. Or I can go into the train station that has suddenly appeared. I choose to go into the train station, but then I don’t recognize any of the destinations on the map. I am frustrated. I don’t know which train to take, where I am, or where I’m going, or how I even got myself into this situation. I’m lost. And then I wake up.

It was one of those dreams that lingered, long after I was awake. They say that dreams are a reflection of your current state of mind. I have also heard that your mind works to resolve issues in your dreams. Perhaps, my dream was trying to tell me something or provide me with an answer to a question I didn’t know I had. This feeling of being lost has been reoccurring for me, not just in my dreams but also in real life. My dream did not need to tell me this. I had been feeling it everyday for maybe…the last year as well as on and off throughout my life. By now, I really should have learned to embrace this feeling. But I naturally resist. I get uncomfortable. I feel anxious. I fight it. I worry about not knowing my destination. I worry about being complacent. I worry about moving in all different directions but never really getting anywhere. Maybe I need to stop trying to hold on so tightly, let go and ride the wave. How do I do that?

About a year ago, I once told a stranger about my journey last year: getting laid off, starting a cookbook, and going through a break up all at once. Embrace the uncertainty, embrace the unknown, he urged. He said, “You may not like your apartment now, but you know what, this could be the last apartment you live in on your own, as a single woman, before you meet your life partner and move in with him.” When I told him about not knowing what I was doing with the cookbook, he said, “You’re going to figure it out. You’re going to finish the cookbook. Once you finish the book, you’re going to think back on this time when you didn’t know what you were doing and appreciate the journey. Embrace this part of the process.” It helped to hear someone say that to me.

This week, 2 random strangers reached out to me, one on my blog and one on my Instagram. The person who reached out to me on my blog is from San Diego and he just wanted to say that he hoped I finished the cookbook and that he loves Cambodian cooking. The person who reached out to me on Instagram wanted to tell me that she peeked at my blog and loved my story and encouraged me to keep writing because she is looking forward to my cookbook. Sometimes, kind words from strangers make all the difference.

xx

Davy

Goodbye 2017!

How many of you were ready to say goodbye to 2017?  I definitely was ready!  2017 was a challenging year for me.  But I believe that everything that needed to happen in my life happened because I had some lessons I still needed to learn.  Even though 2017 started out a little rough, it ended very nicely... I am so grateful that all of the decisions I made last year led me to Boston for 3 weeks to cook with my mother.  It is not often we get an extended amount of time to spend with our mothers as adults!  Even though I felt like a child again living back at home (and I probably stressed my mom out), the time I had with her this past December was very special.  I also fell back in love with Boston (although, I did not fall in love with the cold).  I was fortunate to get to witness this winter's first snowfall, enjoy a white Christmas, eat delicious food, cook with my mother, read bedtime stories to my nephew, host a small baby shower for my older sister, catch up with my old high school friend, reconnect with an old college friend, reunite with friends that I made in Costa Rica last July on a yoga retreat, and surprisingly, make a new friend in the short amount of time I had in Boston.  I felt ready for 2017 to end but I also felt nostalgic to say goodbye as I reflected on that journey. 

2018, I am ready for you!!!