Back from My Hiatus

I can’t believe it has been over a year since I last wrote on the blog. Sometimes you need to take some time off screens and social media for your mental health (and existential or midlife crisis) even if it costs you some social media engagement. What a modern-day conundrum.

It’s September! Can you believe it? The heatwave in LA has been brutal. I can’t deal with 95-100 degree heat. I’m ready for fall. Give me some cozy sweaters, jackets, soup, and a little romance already.

It rained really hard for one day last week, and all of Los Angeles went nuts. It’s like we’ve never seen rain before. You’re not a true Angeleno unless you posted about it on social media (which I did). I loved it! It was magical. While many people stayed inside that day, I put on my big girl rain boots and rain jacket and headed out to take my car for a nature wash, as one does when it rains in LA. And naturally, I picked up some matcha and a breakfast sandwich, which is always a treat.

Summer is now officially over and mine was quite eventful. I got to see my family in Boston. Both of my sisters were in town, plus my stepbrother and his family from Paris. We spent a few days in Rockport at the beach, and I got to spend a lot of time with my nephews and niece. I love them so, so much. They are such funny little humans. Being an auntie is truly the best.

Then I got sick with laryngitis, a sore throat, and a cold, and returned home sick for a second month in a row. I hadn’t gotten sick in a year and then all of a sudden, I was sick twice this summer, back to back. It was exhausting.

On a much more exciting note, I finished the manuscript for my memoir cookbook. And I have to say, I’m really proud of myself. This has been a years-long project, a very emotional one, and it took a lot of work and perseverance to get here. I experienced many setbacks this summer, and while I’m close to the finish line, there is still more to go. There are always new challenges. Now I’m into the design stage, but I keep finding more things I want to edit or fix. It’s never-ending. You could edit something forever, but that doesn’t necessarily make it better. Sometimes you can actually make it worse. It’s a fine line.

At some point, you just have to walk away and let it out into the world. That has been the hardest for me to do. Getting to this stage was hard enough, and there are still so many decisions left to make. I’m in the early stages of design approval, and you would think this part would be easier. But there are countless micro-decisions to be made (like font, color, text size), and I’m honestly just over making every decision on my own. That’s the thing with creating something on your own. You are ultimately responsible for everything.

I think I’m just exhausted from this marathon of a project, so every little decision can feel overwhelming. I’m trying not to let it consume me. Maybe it will get easier as I move further along the design phase and develop a better sense of my aesthetic vision. Even if I’m not done done, I can still celebrate each milestone. It’s easy to get caught up in the to-do lists, insecurity, and doubt. Of course I worry that what I created isn’t “good enough.” But I was brave enough to start this journey and see it through. I created something meaningful that I can share with my family. Hopefully, the stories and recipes also resonate with other first-generation Cambodian Americans. And if more people enjoy it, then that’s a bonus. I need to hold onto that feeling and celebrate it more.

I’ll have to write some more catch-up posts about some of the travel adventures I had over the last year that brought me some joy. Because if I don’t document it (and share my travel tips), did it really even happen? 😊

Time

You can't buy time, turn back time, stop time, speed up time, or slow down time. When it comes to the people you love, there is never enough time. Life is strange and things can change in a matter of seconds. To say that the last two weeks have been tough is an understatement. It has been one of the scariest and most challenging moments in my life. My mom is my most favorite person in the world and to see her in pain, in critical condition, broke my heart. Her condition has slowly improved over the last few days and she's showing progress but it's still early. I pray every day and every night that my mother will have a full recovery.

That first day I saw her in Neuro ICU after her operation was horrible. I saw my mom at her weakest. It was tough. I had to be brave and strong for her but inside, I wanted to break down and cry. It’s difficult to see someone you love in that condition. I have been visiting my mom in the hospital everyday for the last two weeks for 4-5 hours at a time. I have been updating my sisters and my family every night, but they didn’t have to see her. They didn’t see her frail and bruised body, the tubes that went into her nose and down her throat, the needles that went into her veins, the bandages or the 50 staples in her head. They didn’t hear her weak, barely audible voice, her complaints of pain, discomfort, and fear or her pleas for food and water. She was so uncomfortable in the hospital and there wasn’t much I could do. I was helpless.

I could not eat, sleep, or function that first week. But I had to put on a brave face for her and for my stepfather who needed to lean on me. But the thing is, I needed someone to lean on too. I couldn’t keep all of this stress, worry, and fear in. It’s not part of my parent’s culture to ask for help, to talk about family matters. One of the things I realized I needed this year is a community and a community does not have to be just family. My mother has never taught me how to build a community because it’s not part of her culture. But I’m learning now, it is something I need to do for myself despite our cultural differences on this matter. My stepfather does not like me accepting help, but I need help. I can’t do all of this on my own. Working reduced hours (and making reduced income) and checking in with the hospital every morning, making my stepfather lunch, heading off to the hospital every afternoon for 4-5 hours, making my stepfather dinner at his regularly scheduled time, then updating my sisters and uncles every night, and then keeping my stepfather company before he goes to bed. By the end of the day, I am exhausted. I can’t think about food at a time like this and I barely have had time to go to the grocery store. I don’t know what to cook to feed my stepfather. If it were me alone, I’d eat a cup of noodles or a frozen meal just to get by. But my stepfather can’t function that way. I’ve accepted meals from an old friend and from my mom’s friend. My stepfather doesn’t want to burden anyone. Culturally, we are clashing in how we handle a situation like this but I need help or I can’t be strong for him or for my mom. I can’t do it all on my own. I’m going to break.

Then this week, my mom turned a corner and started regaining her strength. She was finally able to start eating again. I was able to bring her food from home, which makes all the difference. Her swallowing wasn’t perfect but it was improving. How do they expect people to heal in a hospital if they are being given horrible food? Eating homemade Cambodian food made a huge difference for my mom and I was so happy that I could help her in that way. After two weeks in the hospital, she was finally discharged and is now in rehab. She is more comfortable and wearing her own warm clothes that I brought for her from home. She seems stronger but she still struggles with daily tasks. She gets frustrated and impatient with herself because she can’t function the way she used to it. It’s going to take some time for my mom to heal but I’m praying for a full and speedy recovery so that she can come home soon.