Happy 2023!

Happy New Year! I know I’m over a month late but so much has happened since the holidays. Once November hit, the rest of the year became a blur. December was very busy with lots of holiday parties, dates, and family time. Unlike the previous two lonely pandemic years, I had a fun holiday season. Things were going really well and I had a very active social calendar, which I think contributed to me getting mildly sick at the beginning of December. Not Covid though, thankfully.

Then during the last week of the year, things took a turn. I had a few minor health issues. Discovered some new food allergies that have been affecting my skin. My eczema was acting up and I felt ugly. My chronic nose bleeds were back. I got locked out of my apartment. I had to call a locksmith, who literally left shit on my door unintentionally (I don’t know what to make of that symbolically?). Water leaked out of my ceiling. My job assignment ended. And that was all in one week! Most of it within the same day! The year ended with me feeling emotional, frantic, and anxious. Life was teasing me. Showed me some fun and then decided to tear me down with a thousand little papercuts. Year end is always emotional for obvious reasons, and I didn’t need any additional emotions involved. But you know, life. It loves to send you lessons and challenges all at once.

At the beginning of January, I went through a mini break-up. As you get older, you don’t really let yourself invest in big relationships anymore unless there is future potential. So they all tend to be mini, and nonetheless, still disappointing. I am once again at a cross-roads in my life and unemployed, which is generally fine. I’ve been here before but not in awhile, and it feels strange to be here again. I had some minor issues with a couple toxic people who needed to be extricated from my life. A little annoying to have to deal with that right after a mini break-up. But that’s life. I also lost my mom’s gold charm bracelet. I think it fell off my wrist at some point, and I’m so sad about that. My mother loves jewelry and I love wearing her jewelry. I hope it turns up soon.

Mid-January, I flew to Boston to celebrate my mother’s birthday and the Lunar New Year, which coincided on the same weekend. I hadn’t traveled back for Lunar New year in YEARS, probably at least a decade. It was really nice to get to do that again with my family, especially since it also falls close to the anniversary of my mother’s brain injury. Then when I returned, I got sick. Maybe a cold? Maybe RSV? But it was the third time I’ve been sick for the third month in a row! I’m so tired of being sick and worn down and isolated. But it did give me time to binge watch Yellowstone and Succession. Those shows kept me company while I allowed myself to really lean into resting. I gave myself time to heal, not just my physical body but also to explore all the noise in my head. If I had a job, I would not have been able to take this much time to rest. Most jobs only give you six sick days total for an entire year. I get sick often and when I do, I’m sick for like a week straight each time. If I had a job, I would have been pressured to only take a day or two off, if at all, and then work through my illness. I’m only just now on the mend and finding time to write a blog post and start checking some things off my to-do list.

And here I am. At a café on the corner of my street, trying to get myself motivated again and dig myself out of the dark hole that I’ve been in for the last few weeks. Another existential crisis. Trying to figure out my next step. I’m so overwhelmed by life lately. I’ve needed more space from people than usual, which can be good for an introvert but can be isolating as well. Last year was a hard year. I think I had been running on adrenaline for so long and now my body is finally collapsing. It’s exhausted. Maybe that’s why I’ve been sick three times for three months in a row. Maybe this is me, in recovery from 2022. Maybe I need some inspirational foreplay. Maybe I need to just love on myself a little and get a massage or treat myself to something special. Actually, I don’t know what I need but I will figure it out. Next time you hear from me, I will be in better spirits. I promise.

Year of the Tiger

Chinese / Lunar New Year is tomorrow! I celebrated with my friends by going out for Peking Duck at Ji Rong in San Gabriel Valley. This dish from Beijing is characterized by its crispy, thin skin, served with spring onion, cucumber, and plum sauce, wrapped in a warm, soft, thin pancake like a tortilla. It was so delish and such a special treat! Peking duck is a specialized dish and is not often found at most Chinese restaurants. Ji Rong had been on my list for years and I was so happy I finally got to try it for New Years.

When I was younger and used to live in Boston, Chinese New Year was such a fun celebration with my family, cousins, and uncles. So much food was made. We prayed to our ancesters. The adults gave us red envelopes with money. I miss celebrating with my family. It has been so long. If it weren’t for the rise of Omicron Covid cases, I would have flown home. I don’t think I have ever gotten to celebrate Chinese New Year with my family as an adult?

As I mentioned in a few posts back, the holidays were depressing and isolating because I was sick and everyone seemed to have Omicron. I think a lot of people’s plans were ruined. So for the month of January, I committed myself to going out every weekend to get myself out of my sweatpants and out of my house. I pretty much stuck to the plan and I’m exhausted! Lol. It’s tiring being out every weekend socializing. And expensive. I think I’ve gotten so used to being a homebody that I’ve forgotten how much things cost and the energy required to be on the constant go. It has been a good distraction though and I’ve gotten to wear new clothes that had been sitting unused in my closet. It does feel nice to get dressed and put on makeup and feel pretty. But I also felt a little bit guilty. The past few months prior, I had gotten accustomed to working nonstop and all weekend—on my consulting, my food blog, my brand partnerships, and my cookbook—that it felt strange taking weekends off to have fun. It didn’t feel productive and I was so used to feeling productive.

I’m still learning how to give myself grace and to not be so hard on myself. I think a part of me feels like I don’t deserve a break yet because I haven’t achieved certain goals. But I need to give myself credit for the things I did achieve and I need to allow myself to celebrate those small wins. I also need to learn how to pivot. If certain goals aren’t working out for me, maybe I need to shift my focus onto something else. Mix things up until something sticks. I think part of the reason I felt guilty for having fun this month is because I felt a little bit lost in life in terms of what I wanted to work towards next. How can I have fun if I don’t know what I want? Do I need to know what I want all the time though? Do I always need to know the next step? I could sit on my couch, in my comfy sweatpants, and dwell on my existential crisis all day, but answers don’t just come to you because you’re waiting for them. You have to keep on moving, moving forward and sometimes around in circles, and eventually it will find you. But not on the couch. Answers don’t come to you on the couch, unfortunately. At least not in my experience.

I think I finally found it though. The answers I was looking for. Or at least pieces of it. And it would not have come to me without going out, interacting and socializing with people, and having random conversations that inspire ideas. I guess the fun was productive. The ideas would not have come to me sitting at home trying to will the answers into existence in my brain. Anyway, I know I’m being cryptic because I don’t necessarily want to spell out my personal goals publicly, but I’m sure you understand what I’m trying to say and can relate.

Happy Lunar New Year my friends! Year of the Tiger. Another chance to reset. And I think I’m feeling much more prepared and ready for it this time around than on Jan 1st. Thank goodness.

Hello 2022!

Happy New Year! I’m a little late writing my first post of 2022 because…frankly, I’m still processing lol. The month of December was such a fog. I caught a cold from, I think, the one night I chose to go out with a big group of people for Santa Pub Crawl. It wasn’t Omicron, but who knows anymore with all this talk of false negatives. However, I didn’t have those related symptoms and I tested twice and was negative. But other people I had interacted with that night tested positive for Covid. I hadn’t been sick in 2 years so this felt strange.

In today’s pandemic climate, you really can’t see people or go out in public when you’re sick, even if it’s not Covid. So I had to cancel all my plans over the holidays and then semi-isolate. I hadn’t seen a single person in over 2 weeks from before Christmas and into the new year. It was so depressing. As much of a homebody and introvert as I am, it still took a toll on my mental health. The last couple years of pandemic have been so exhausting. I’m exhausted. And I know I’m not the only one, but wow. This is never-ending. Even with the vaccine and the booster.

I spent Christmas at home solo eating soup. By NYE, I still had residual symptoms but I felt better. I had more energy and was comfortable venturing out. Since I couldn’t see anybody and had such a lonely Christmas, I wanted to do something nice for myself for New Year’s Eve. I wanted to treat myself to a gift (because retail therapy does work some of the time) but the designer item I wanted was sold out after I had my heart set on it all week and I waited in line for an hour. That was disappointing. So then I went to the grocery store to pick up stuff to make myself a nice dinner that consisted of more than just broth—spaghetti arrabbiata with burrata and pumpkin tart.

But I still felt off mentally. I really didn’t want to carry that negative feeling into the new year but it was really hard to shake off. I had been isolated for over 2 weeks. I worked over Christmas and NYE holidays because I was available (since I had to cancel all my plans) even though I was sick. I hadn’t really been drinking much alcohol for the last four months since I’ve been on a hydrating kick and sort of lost my enjoyment for cocktails, wine, and bubbles. Once I felt better physically, I learned that a lot of my friends and their families caught Omicron and therefore, had to isolate and were not available. On the first work day of the new year, my work laptop died and I lost some of my work and a lot of time. Spent those first 2 work days trying to resolve that situation on top of being on a tight work deadline. I know these setbacks seem small, but I just kept feeling defeated.

By the end of the first week though, I did find that sold out item (I called incessantly to inquire) that I wanted to gift myself and it did bring me some joy. I connected with a new friend in the neighborhood and we both decided we’re commited to getting out of our sweatpants (although I love love sweatpants) and out of the house more. I signed up for some events, met some more new people, and also went on a couple of new hikes. I’m trying to do all the things while being Covid-safe. I’m not entirely there yet, but I’m trying. It would be nice if there was one simple solution that always worked, but there’s not.

It does feel good to get dressed up again and see people so sharing with you some of my recent outfits because I don’t have that much else to share at the moment. I have purchased so many sweats, joggers, and hoodies in the last 2 years! I also have several new, unworn outfits that still have tags on them sitting in my closet. These outfits need to be worn! Another reason to get out more! Human interaction/connection, exercise steps, fresh air, and to wear my unworn outfits! Even though I enjoyed being out again in the last 2 weeks, it definitely felt like work to get dressed up, go out, and socialize, being the introvert that I am. And everything seemed more expensive. Prices have increased and quality and service have declined a bit—all natural side effects of the pandemic. It’s also an adjustment going from isolation and only spending money on necessities to paying for entertainment and fun again. I could really use a massage too.

Life right now is strange. Gotta find all the little things that bring you joy. It has been raining a lot in LA lately and I like it. The gloom and overcast matches my mood and it’s comforting. It will all disippate soon though. Follow the light and eventually the fog will clear, right?

Fortunately, Chinese New Year is in 2 weeks and I will have another shot at resetting for the new year.

Goodbye 2017!

How many of you were ready to say goodbye to 2017?  I definitely was ready!  2017 was a challenging year for me.  But I believe that everything that needed to happen in my life happened because I had some lessons I still needed to learn.  Even though 2017 started out a little rough, it ended very nicely... I am so grateful that all of the decisions I made last year led me to Boston for 3 weeks to cook with my mother.  It is not often we get an extended amount of time to spend with our mothers as adults!  Even though I felt like a child again living back at home (and I probably stressed my mom out), the time I had with her this past December was very special.  I also fell back in love with Boston (although, I did not fall in love with the cold).  I was fortunate to get to witness this winter's first snowfall, enjoy a white Christmas, eat delicious food, cook with my mother, read bedtime stories to my nephew, host a small baby shower for my older sister, catch up with my old high school friend, reconnect with an old college friend, reunite with friends that I made in Costa Rica last July on a yoga retreat, and surprisingly, make a new friend in the short amount of time I had in Boston.  I felt ready for 2017 to end but I also felt nostalgic to say goodbye as I reflected on that journey. 

2018, I am ready for you!!!