Life Update

I can sometimes be a sensitive little bunny. I overanalyze things, replay stuff in my head, and sometimes create stories that don’t exist. I can be histrionic, melancholic, empathetic, and deeply affected by my surroundings. I sometimes need reassurance and validation from others. So you can imagine giving up on corporate life and pursuing a personal dream has not been easy for me!

Thinking back on this journey, I didn’t have faith in myself, but somehow (I really have no idea how), I kept persisting and moving forward. And now I’m in year 3 of independently working for myself with 70 recipes, pages of creative memoir stories, and dozens of social media partnerships under my belt. And I’m happy to announce, after turning down a direct publishing offer a couple months ago, I have officially signed with a literary agent! I have to stop for a minute and show myself some love. I never thought I would find an agent that is as passionate about my memoir cookbook as I am. But I found her! I’m in the home stretch and hopefully am on my way to getting published soon!

The last year and a half have not been easy with the pandemic. There have been lots of lows and then small highs or more like mediums and then back to lows again with me questioning whether things would ever get better. During the last couple months I started to feel bouts of intense self-negative talk, existential confusion, and lack of direction. I had finished all of my cookbook writing and didn’t have a concrete plan for what was next for me. I couldn’t find a new client for my consulting business and had gotten lots of rejections from literary agents. I sulked alone in my dark pit for awhile and then forced myself to be social as an attempt to rescue myself. I was ready to admit defeat and accept all the failed outcomes in my life, but then things began to turn around. Within less than 2 months, four literary agents expressed interest in my cookbook, I got a new client for my consulting business, and landed a new social media partnership with a brand I love! I basically have 3 jobs. It’s complicated but also fun to be able to mix things up.

Sometimes my little heart can’t handle the emotional rollercoaster that is life. I’m not good at riding the waves. In fact, I can’t swim so it makes riding the waves a little harder and scarier. Everything passes though—the good, the bad, and the ugly—and you just gotta learn how to roll with all the punches. I am trying to get better at letting go and not attaching myself to certain outcomes. Hope for the best, and just keep moving forward, and whatever happens, happens. And when I haven’t been able to handle my emotions lately, I’ve indulged in donuts and cake. A sweet treat really does help!

My life isn’t perfect. I don’t have everything that I desire. But in this moment, I’m feeling good and I’m going to sit with this feeling of pride, love, and gratitude for a bit.

Writer's Block

For the last two months, I’ve been focusing on the writing portion of my cookbook (yes, I’m still working on my never-ending cookbook). I plan to incorporate short memoir stories throughout the book that illustrate the powerful role food plays in my family and, especially in my relationship with my mother. It has been a challenge tapping into that part of myself. Not just the creative part that wants to weave together a beautiful story, but also the part of me that is trying to capture all the emotions from a nostalgic memory.

It has been exhausting. I joined a couple writing groups for support and motivation. After a couple weeks of frustration, I found two groups that I really enjoy and have made some wonderful friendly connections. I think I have created some beautiful stories, which feels so liberating and cathartic. However, I have also learned more about my family history and have been forced to revisit some painful childhood memories. It has been an emotional journey and I feel that I still have more stories to tell.

Although I have been productive the last couple of months, I’ve hit a roadblock this past week and have felt unmotivated. I need to write more but can’t seem to find the right words or be able to access the emotions I want to convey. Inspiration can sometimes be elusive. Maybe I need to switch things up?

I’m actually in a virtual writing group session now and decided to work on this blog post instead of editing my short story. Procrastination at it’s finest. At least, I’m writing thought, right? I’ve gone on several walks this weekend (not because I wanted to but because I’m dog-sitting and had to). I’ve tried opening a bottle of champagne. None of those ideas helped. Maybe I need to go for a drive to pick up tacos for lunch today? Yes, I think that’s a good idea…Maybe that will spark some inspiration.

Update. 3 hours later…

I drove to the Westside to pick up tacos and the taco place was closed. Perhaps, because of the pandemic? Or maybe because it’s Easter Monday? Who knows anymore? I was so disappointed! So then, I decided to drive in the opposite direction to get Korean fried chicken because I needed to get gas for my car and the gas station was in that direction. I really wanted tacos but fried chicken is a good alternative. I’ve been feeling indecisive about food and about life lately and don’t know what I want to eat or cook anymore. Anyway, I came home to eat my fried chicken and I took a picture of it. When I went back to my camera to look at the picture, it wasn’t there. Sometimes my phone camera does that. It’ll will make the clicking sound like you took a picture but then doesn’t save it. Or maybe it’s because I close out of it too soon? I don’t know. But now I don’t have a picture of tacos or wings to accompany this post. So now I’m just posting a picture of me on a walk.

And yes, I know I’m rambling. As you can tell, I’m not in the mood to write but I’m forcing myself to, hoping it will open the flood gates. But it’s really not working. Maybe I need to make myself a martini? Maybe I need to take a break from my project and try to figure out my life? I know that I am priviledged in that I have the luxury to think about pursuing what makes me happy versus working to surivive. This is a completely different concept from that of the previous generation—our parents’ generation. I feel guilty for this sometimes.

Okay. Time to return to procrastinating. Ideas for sparking inspiration welcome!

Coronaversary

It’s March. We’ve hit our one year anniversary of when it all began. One year since the pandemic officially started and forever changed our lives. An ENTIRE year! Can you believe it? It began with a 2 week lockdown and one year later, we’re still here. How do I feel about it? I have so many thoughts and feelings. Not much happened and yet everything changed all at the same time.

On a superficial level, I’ve expanded my athleisure section of my wardrobe. Now, it takes up a greater percentage of my closet. I have always loved sweatpants before but now I really love them. Sweatpants and hoodies—just give me more. One can never have enough.

In March of last year, like everyone else, I was dealing with the initial shock of a pandemic and what that meant for the world. I had my first of two anxiety attacks. I was trying to mend a broken heart and I retreated from the world. Trauma was triggered. Mental health became more important to me than ever in my adult years. I joined mental wellness support groups. It was the first time since my early twenties that I participated in talk therapy consistently for a year. And when I didn’t expect it, I learned so much about myself.

My project with a fashion client ended and I’ve been able to resume my passion project—the Cambodian cookbook. This time, I’m working on my writing, which I think is the most fun part. I’ve forgotten how much I enjoy writing. I wrote a novella in college and then continued to take a creative writing course after college but never really pursued it and I wish I had all these years, even just as a hobby. After two weeks of testing out different writing groups and getting frustrated, I finally found one that provides a supportive community for critique, workshopping, and encouragement. I guess, you can join a group for just about anything nowadays. It was something I never thought to do before and is definitely something I want to continue even after I finish my cookbook.

Most excitingly, I got my first dose of the Covid vaccine shot! It felt so sweet to get it on the anniversary of the start of the pandemic! It only took 5 hours of waiting in the cold without food or bathroom breaks to get the extra leftover vaccine, but it was completely worth it! Even though things won’t change overnight, I felt like I made it to the finish line. I was so happy and relieved. I celebrated with tacos and cake to honor the occasion! My stepfather has gotten his within the month as well. I’m just waiting for my mother to get hers so that I can see them again after TWO long years! I’m looking forward to the world resuming some sort of normalcy soon even if we have to proceed with caution.

Getting vaccinated gives me all kinds of feels and has given me so much to reflect on. What a long year it has been! We’ve all come such a long way and I’m grateful for making it through. I’m feeling good today.

Happy 2021!

Happy NEW Year! I had been meaning to check in on the blog but then chaos ensued after only a few days into the new year. The riots at the Capitol were so upsetting. I had a lot of feelings and needed some time to process. I’m deeply saddened by the acts of ignorance, hate, racism, and white supremacy in our country. I can’t help but feel a little scared and nervous about the future with everything happening right now. While I think that having new leadership will help, as a country, we still have a long way to go and so much to learn.

Here in Los Angeles, we are still in a lockdown. I survived the holidays. It was a little lonely and isolating but I bounced back quicker than I thought I would. People all around me are still traveling and seeing their friends and carrying on as normal (or close to normal) and I’m wondering if I should be doing the same? I haven’t seen my family in a year and a half. I haven’t been on a plane in a year. I do see people occasionally for social distant hangs, walks, and hikes but probably not as regularly as I should to maintain my mental health.

I was starting to feel the isolation creeping in on me again as we entered the new year. So then last weekend, I made plans for 2 back to back hangs, 2 days in a row. One was a challenging 4 mile uphill hike to Sandstone Peak in Malibu and the other was a 5 mile walk along Zuma Beach in Malibu. I had also hiked 3 times that week leading up to the weekend and had a few back to back FaceTime calls the Friday night prior. That following Monday, I was completely exhausted and as a result, was not as productive as I had wanted to be. Plus, my body was completely sore from all the hiking and exercise. By Tuesday morning, I still had not recovered. I woke up with an allergy attack and was basically incapacitated on the couch for the whole day. My body did not like all of that action! As an introvert, too much social activity can be draining but now, in a pandemic, after becoming accustomed to quarantine and isolation, I must have hit a whole new level of social exhaustion combined with too much physical ventures. Anyway, because of that setback, I worked all of this weekend on my cookbook to catch up with the time that I lost during the week.

With my consulting at a halt at the moment due to my project ending last November, I finally have the time to refocus on my cookbook. It was hard to transition back to a creative and entrepreneurial mindset and schedule though. It took a couple of weeks of resistance in December before I found the momentum to get going again. In the last year, it was not possible for me to work on the cookbook while also juggling full-time consulting work, brand partnerships, content creation, and my blog. I believe this break from consulting is a blessing in disguise because now I can commit my time to the cookbook again. My passion project requires more energy. Creativity for me requires more energy. I notice that when there is too much space and time between each piece of the cookbook that I work on, it then reflects in my work. The quality, depth, connection, and flow suffer. I’ll forget why I wrote something or how I made a dish.

Since mid-December, I’ve been FaceTiming with my mom several days a week to discuss my recipes, photos, Khmer translations, ideas, and facts about our history. I’m going back through all my recipes and editing the writing, reorganizing the flow, and deciding which ones I need to reshoot. Even though I devoted the entire 2019 to cooking most of the recipes in the book (and thought I was almost done), I’ve just added more new recipes to my list and I still have desserts that I need to make. And I’d like to add more stories. I still have a lot to do and it has been so exhausting. One evening, I spoke with my mom for 2 hours just about herbs! HERBS! Each of our calls last 2 hours. There’s so much detail to go through and understand. But I know I can do it!

Last week, on a call with a new therapist, she asked me what I do for fun after I had updated her on all the things I’ve been working on and all the emotions I had been feeling. Her question made me pause and think. I had been spending all my time working on the cookbook, FaceTiming with my mom or sister to brainstorm about contents of the cookbook, going to virtual therapy, and attending virtual support groups. Basically, all my time had been devoted to either my cookbook or my mental health. It has been awhile since I’ve dedicated a day or even a few hours to doing something that brings me joy. I was diligent about allocating one day a week to joy last summer and I did do a couple road trips in November that brought me some joy. But I hadn’t really incorporated joy into part of my everyday life recently. I’ve kind of lost my balance again. And that’s okay. It happens. It’s hard to maintain balance all the time.

So this coming week, I’m going to be thinking about some new ways to spark joy for me and try to incorporate it more regularly into my life. I also think that we all need to show ourselves a little compassion and grace for just surviving everything that is happening in the world right now. It’s a lot. In the meantime, I hope you find some way to bring a little bit of joy into your life as well. And if you have ideas, please comment on this post and share! I’d love to hear!

Fun Facts

Hi friends!  It has been awhile since I shared some info about myself so I thought I would divulge some fun facts:

• My parents survived the genocide in Cambodia

• I was born in a refugee camp in the Philippines before coming to the USA when I was a month old

• Raised by a single mother ‍

• I am an immigrant and an American and proud of it

• Grew up in Boston but don’t really follow any of the sports teams

• I’m an introvert, Scorpio, and a lefty!

• I am an INFJ on the Meyers Briggs test, which makes up 1% of the population

• I love love love to travel but hate to fly

• I have 2 sisters. I’m the middle child. My stepfather and 3 stepbrothers are from France. We are basically the Asian Brady Bunch

• I get scared all the time. Lots of things worry me, scare me, and stress me out. But I try to do all of those things anyway

• I love the desert

• I have twin star tattoos on my left wrist in memory of my maternal grandparents ⭐️⭐️

• I quit my corporate job in fashion to pursue my passion project of creating a cookbook of my mom’s recipes and it has been a really hard but amazing journey

• I love love love Excel, is that strange?

• I am def no princess.  I am a woman warrior like my mom

Ok, I just shared a lot about myself! Now tell me something unique about you! ️

Back in Boston!

One of the best things about being an entrepreneur is having a flexible schedule. I can meet a friend for lunch or spend the morning hiking and then work till midnight afterwards. My working hours don’t have to be within the construct of a rigid schedule. However, there are disadvantages to this lifestyle. Projects and work load are not always consistent. While I can run errands during the work week, I do spend most of my weekends working. I have to pay for my own health insurance. I’m still working out the kinks to a steady stream of income. I must deal with the emotional highs and lows of feeling like both a success and a failure. This is best demonstrated in the below chart created by Derek Halpern. But ya know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. I do not regret my decision.

I was able to buy a one way ticket home to Boston to spend some time testing out some recipes with my mom. While it has been nice to get out of town, it’s cold over here still. It has been raining everyday. I’ve been here for about a week so far and have already been able to test out 4 Cambodian recipes (pineapple sweet and sour soup, meatloaf, marinated beef salad, and Cambodian omelet) with my mom and make 4 new recipes of mine for her to try (vegetarian curry, vegetarian bolognese, pork carnitas tacos, and sticky toffee pudding). I still have about 4-6 more recipes to test out with her while I’m here. I should probably start thinking about when I’m going to return home to LA. Hmmm…

I got a chance to get out into the city this past Friday to try a new restaurant (Row34) in the Seaport area one night and it was delish. Sometimes you just need a break from the parents and work! I’m also going to NYC this weekend and staying for a few days afterwards to see my sister and my niece.

Here are some pics from my trip so far.

Sweet Corn & Tapioca Pudding

When I think of Cambodian food, I don’t normally think of dessert. When I do finally have Cambodian dessert, I’m surprised how much I like it and wonder why I never think to make it. Dessert provides a nice ending to any meal, but it hasn’t been a priority for me in the making of this cookbook. I tend to have more of a savory palate than a sweet one. I tackled the hardest savory recipes first and I’ve saved dessert for last.

This week, I made Sweet Corn & Tapioca Pudding. It was actually quite simple to make. When I posted it on Instagram last week, I was surprised by the response from my followers asking for the recipe. This dessert seemed to get more feedback than any of my savory recipes! You asked for it and here it is. Enjoy!

Sweet Corn Pudding (Serves 4-6 )

Ingredients: 

• 3 ears of sweet corn, husks removed 

• 1 can of coconut milk 

• ¼ cup of tiny tapioca balls 

• ½ cup of sugar 

• 1 cup of water 

• pinch of salt 

Directions: 

Presoak ¼ cup of tapioca balls in a small bowl filled with cold water for 10 minutes.  Mix halfway through because the balls tend to stick together.  Drain any residual leftover water. 

In the meantime, using a knife, shave shallow layers of the raw ears of corn.  I shave about 2-3 layers of one section of the corn at a time.  However, my mom prefers smaller bits of corn.   She shaves more layers and scrapes the last couple of layers of corn from the cob. 

In a small pot over medium heat, add 1 can of coconut milk, corn shavings, and a pinch of salt.  Cook for about 10 minutes.   

Pour in the tapioca balls.   Cook for 5 minutes, stirring so that the balls and corn don’t stick to the bottom of the pot.   

Lower heat.  Pour ½ cup of sugar and 1 cup of water into the pot and stir thoroughly.  Cook for 10 more minutes.   

Try the pudding to see if it is sweet enough for your taste. I prefer it to be mildly sweet but you can add more sugar if you like.

Garnish with mint.  Serve warm or refrigerate and serve cold. 

Interview with VoyageLA Mag

I am so excited to share with you my interview with VoyageLA Mag! They asked me to be a part of their Trailblazers series, Rewriting the Narrative. Here is a link to my full interview.

When VoyageLA first reached out to me, I wasn’t exactly sure what story I had to tell. My entire journey has been up and down, full of highs and lows, as well as self-doubt. My initial thought was that I didn’t have a perfect or fluid story to tell. And where does my story even begin? Sometimes we get caught up in this idea of perfection. But it’s the flaws and mistakes that actually help us grow and learn. I have many stories and they are all intertwined into my current journey of creating a cookbook of my mother’s Cambodian recipes—my parents survival from the Cambodian genocide, my birth at a refugee camp, our escape from my abusive father, growing up poor, feeling like an outsider growing up, etc. These stories have all led me to where I am today. I am not only writing a cookbook, I am writing my story.

During my interview with VoyageLA, I realized I have so much to share and a lot more to say than I had thought. I hope you enjoy my interview and can relate to my journey and feel inspired. There is beauty in all of our imperfections. I need to remind myself that. Everyone has a story. What’s yours?