Hello Again!

Oh my goodness. I cannot believe I have not written a blog post since April! It has been awhile. I guess I just needed to take a little time (or a lot of time) for my mental health. After having a breakdown in March/April, it took awhile for me to pick myself up again. It’s not something that happens in a day. Or even a week or a month. There’s not one thing that makes it go away. And sometimes the things that have worked before don’t work anymore. It’s a process. A journey.

Since I have last written, there have been a few things that I have done to get myself back to a better place. I indulged and splurged on a spa day at the Belair Hotel with a couple friends. It was so lovely. The massage was wonderful and so were the amenites that came with it. Before and after your massage, you can relax in their lounge room or patio with tea or champagne and snacks. We lunched al fresco at the Wolfgang Puck restaurant at the hotel afterwards. The Belair Hotel feels like a little retreat away from the city because of the pond and lush greens that surround it. I definitely want to do this again and should probably do it more often.

I joined an Empowered Women’s Group that meets weekly. It comforting to be a part of a group that is committed to self-improvement and self-development and is also supportive and compassionate. I went on a weekend trip to Palm Springs with a friend and indulged in the accommodations and really good restaurants. I started checking off LA restaurants, concerts, and activities that were on my to-do/explore list. I read a new book called What Happened to You? that is partly written by Oprah. It explores the effects of trauma. I did some light exercises. All of this slowly brought me some joy. And it felt good to feel good again.

I had also returned to Boston in May to see my mother. I was really nervous about that trip because I just wasn’t sure I could handle the emotions, stress, and everything involved in her recovery after having had such a hard time in February and March, which led to the my breakdown. She seemed better though. Not the same, but I witnessed small glimpses of her old self and that gave me some relief.

Then in July, I got Covid. Most likely the BA.5 variant and it hit me hard. Fever of 102 for 3 days. Achiness, strained voice, sore throat, lack of appetite, and fatigue for 3 weeks. After quarantining for 10 days, I still had low energy and sounded horrible. To be isolated for that long, alone, while physically suffering really made me regress. People talk about the physical effects of Covid all the time but I was not prepared for what it did to me mentally. It was lonely, isolating, depressing, and took me to a dark, negative place again. The only positive that came out of Covid for me was that I was so bored that I learned how to solve a Rubik’s cube. This had been on my to-do list after seeing my stepdad do it. It’s a more spiritual experience than one may think. Solving the cube involves creativity, patience, pushing through resistance, taking a few steps back to move forward, taking many steps that don’t make sense in the moment but make sense later, feeling like you aren’t progressing but you know that you are, problem solving in different scenarios, and focusing on just the next step instead of being overwhelmed by the entire problem at once. It’s a good distraction and does take your mind off things momentarily.

So now, I’m back there again. Trying to pick myself up. Today is the first day that my voice feels almost back to normal but I still feel like I have something in my throat. Progress! I just returned from a weekend in Colorado for a bachelorette party, which I probably shouldn’t have gone to in the first place because even though I was Covid negative, I still wasn’t feeling my best yet. So now, I’m completely worn out and my introverted self needs some alone time. I think I need to take myself out on a solo date this weekend and do some things that might bring me joy. I’m a tortured introvert though—I want alone time but then I feel lonely and also want to be social. It’s an ongoing inner conflict. Can anyone relate?

Ok I need to write more often. Hopefully, you will get some positive updates from me soon or at the very least, new recipes!

Recovery

Sometimes you need to break down to build up and heal. It has been the worst last two months. With everything that happened with my mom, life has been so stressful. Now that she’s home from the hospital and on the mend, and I’m back in LA, I thought the pressure that had been building up inside of me was going to subside. But it didn’t. It continued to build and build and there was no escape.

And then last week, I felt like I was going to explode and have a mental break down. I didn’t know what to do. I felt backed into a corner and I just wanted the pain to go away. Upon my return to LA, I had overbooked myself with brand and restaurant partnerships, along with my regular consulting work, on top of checking in on my mother multiple times a day, joining her doctor appointment calls, and coordinating appointments for her medical care. It was all too much after already an extremely heavy and stressful last five weeks. It felt never ending, like there was no break, no end in sight. This was just my life. And I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I decided I needed a day off of all responsibilities. I couldn’t even handle receiving text messages, let alone responding to them. I couldn’t handle looking at social media. I couldn’t focus on work. I couldn’t function period. Every little thing felt like extra weight on my back and I was about to break. So I took a Friday sick/mental health day, hoping that it would solve my problems. But I didn’t utilize it to do anything that would bring me joy or provide a release. I wanted to do something with my day, but I just couldn’t make a decision, function properly, or process anything. I wanted to get a massage but I couldn’t figure out where and the masseuse I liked wasn’t available. I wanted to go on a hike but I couldn’t get myself off my couch and out of the apartment. Then I felt annoyed with myself for not making use of my sick day to do anything that would bring me joy. One day off did not fix my problems overnight or bring me any sort of comfort like I thought it would.

That weekend, I did my own nails, which I hadn’t done in two months. I got a haircut the next day, which I hadn’t done in over a year. My hair stylist moved out of town and I was forced to try a new person at the salon. Even though he cut off some dead weight, he did not give me the cut I wanted. Beauty treatments didn’t work to lift my spirits either.

And I really didn’t do much else with the weekend that followed my sick day. Maybe I just needed to ride out the wave of negative emotions. Then this week, things slowed down. My various work commitments decreased and there were no doctor appointments for Mom this week. I also didn’t check in with her as much. I have to remind myself that she will be okay even if I don’t check in with her three times a day. I’ve been my mother’s main caregiver for the last five weeks straight and I had seen her everyday during her hospitalization. It was hard for me to leave Boston. It was hard for me to leave her. I think a part of me has still been scared and worried about her so it has been difficult for me to let go of all the responsibilities of caregiving and not check in with her multiple times a day. This has been at the added expense of me not taking care of myself though. But she’ll be okay, even if I’m not available for every moment in her continued recovery. Even if I don’t know what she’s eating for every single meal. Maybe there aren’t any quick and easy fixes right now, but reducing some of the commitments in all areas of my life, including my mother’s care, helped relieve some of the pressure. Hopefully, this will create space for me to be able to receive and feel joy again from some of my usual acts of self-care. This will be my first weekend back in LA without any sort of work commitments. I finally have an appointment with the masseuse I like this coming Sunday. I had been wanting to get a massage for months. I think I will try to go on a solo hike tomorrow to get out in nature and clear my head. Maybe I’ll even make myself something good to eat. I’m inviting joy back into my life again. And I am ready to receive.

Life Update

I can sometimes be a sensitive little bunny. I overanalyze things, replay stuff in my head, and sometimes create stories that don’t exist. I can be histrionic, melancholic, empathetic, and deeply affected by my surroundings. I sometimes need reassurance and validation from others. So you can imagine giving up on corporate life and pursuing a personal dream has not been easy for me!

Thinking back on this journey, I didn’t have faith in myself, but somehow (I really have no idea how), I kept persisting and moving forward. And now I’m in year 3 of independently working for myself with 70 recipes, pages of creative memoir stories, and dozens of social media partnerships under my belt. And I’m happy to announce, after turning down a direct publishing offer a couple months ago, I have officially signed with a literary agent! I have to stop for a minute and show myself some love. I never thought I would find an agent that is as passionate about my memoir cookbook as I am. But I found her! I’m in the home stretch and hopefully am on my way to getting published soon!

The last year and a half have not been easy with the pandemic. There have been lots of lows and then small highs or more like mediums and then back to lows again with me questioning whether things would ever get better. During the last couple months I started to feel bouts of intense self-negative talk, existential confusion, and lack of direction. I had finished all of my cookbook writing and didn’t have a concrete plan for what was next for me. I couldn’t find a new client for my consulting business and had gotten lots of rejections from literary agents. I sulked alone in my dark pit for awhile and then forced myself to be social as an attempt to rescue myself. I was ready to admit defeat and accept all the failed outcomes in my life, but then things began to turn around. Within less than 2 months, four literary agents expressed interest in my cookbook, I got a new client for my consulting business, and landed a new social media partnership with a brand I love! I basically have 3 jobs. It’s complicated but also fun to be able to mix things up.

Sometimes my little heart can’t handle the emotional rollercoaster that is life. I’m not good at riding the waves. In fact, I can’t swim so it makes riding the waves a little harder and scarier. Everything passes though—the good, the bad, and the ugly—and you just gotta learn how to roll with all the punches. I am trying to get better at letting go and not attaching myself to certain outcomes. Hope for the best, and just keep moving forward, and whatever happens, happens. And when I haven’t been able to handle my emotions lately, I’ve indulged in donuts and cake. A sweet treat really does help!

My life isn’t perfect. I don’t have everything that I desire. But in this moment, I’m feeling good and I’m going to sit with this feeling of pride, love, and gratitude for a bit.

Coronaversary

It’s March. We’ve hit our one year anniversary of when it all began. One year since the pandemic officially started and forever changed our lives. An ENTIRE year! Can you believe it? It began with a 2 week lockdown and one year later, we’re still here. How do I feel about it? I have so many thoughts and feelings. Not much happened and yet everything changed all at the same time.

On a superficial level, I’ve expanded my athleisure section of my wardrobe. Now, it takes up a greater percentage of my closet. I have always loved sweatpants before but now I really love them. Sweatpants and hoodies—just give me more. One can never have enough.

In March of last year, like everyone else, I was dealing with the initial shock of a pandemic and what that meant for the world. I had my first of two anxiety attacks. I was trying to mend a broken heart and I retreated from the world. Trauma was triggered. Mental health became more important to me than ever in my adult years. I joined mental wellness support groups. It was the first time since my early twenties that I participated in talk therapy consistently for a year. And when I didn’t expect it, I learned so much about myself.

My project with a fashion client ended and I’ve been able to resume my passion project—the Cambodian cookbook. This time, I’m working on my writing, which I think is the most fun part. I’ve forgotten how much I enjoy writing. I wrote a novella in college and then continued to take a creative writing course after college but never really pursued it and I wish I had all these years, even just as a hobby. After two weeks of testing out different writing groups and getting frustrated, I finally found one that provides a supportive community for critique, workshopping, and encouragement. I guess, you can join a group for just about anything nowadays. It was something I never thought to do before and is definitely something I want to continue even after I finish my cookbook.

Most excitingly, I got my first dose of the Covid vaccine shot! It felt so sweet to get it on the anniversary of the start of the pandemic! It only took 5 hours of waiting in the cold without food or bathroom breaks to get the extra leftover vaccine, but it was completely worth it! Even though things won’t change overnight, I felt like I made it to the finish line. I was so happy and relieved. I celebrated with tacos and cake to honor the occasion! My stepfather has gotten his within the month as well. I’m just waiting for my mother to get hers so that I can see them again after TWO long years! I’m looking forward to the world resuming some sort of normalcy soon even if we have to proceed with caution.

Getting vaccinated gives me all kinds of feels and has given me so much to reflect on. What a long year it has been! We’ve all come such a long way and I’m grateful for making it through. I’m feeling good today.

My Cambodia Adventure

This past November, I celebrated the anniversary of my birth on a month-long solo trip to Cambodia. It was one of the most incredible journeys! I went on a vegan yoga retreat, biked through the countryside, explored ancient temples, took a cooking class and learned how to make fish amok, visited my family in Phnom Penh, had the most amazing crabs in Kep, toured a pepper plantation, traveled to the top of the Bokor Mountain in Kampot, drove through fields of sugar cane and rice paddies on the back of a motorbike, ate my favorite Cambodian noodle soup and rice porridge just about everyday, drank watermelon juice at least once a day, glamped on the Mekong River, saw the most beautiful sunsets, went on several boat cruises, got the best massages, traveled through the roughs seas to get to the beautiful Koh Rong Island where they filmed Survivor, and rode a horse for the first time ever.

I did a lot! And I’m so happy that I did it all. I had been planning to return to Cambodia ever since I had started my cookbook passion project, but I didn’t know exactly when that trip was going to happen or what it was going to look like until two months before I actually embarked on the trip. I had already finished creating almost 60 recipes and I finally felt ready to return to the country that inspired my passion project. Even though I was excited, I also felt nervous and a little scared. Nervous about traveling solo again. Nervous that I might feel lonely. Nervous that I might not enjoy the trip. Nervous that my trip would feel too long and that I would get bored. In the end, I loved everything about this trip and I am so grateful that I was able to make it all happen.

My first day in Cambodia started with a 5 day yoga retreat at Hariharalaya in a traditional Cambodian farming village outside Siem Reap. Our phones were taken away from us and locked up, we were put on a vegan and gluten free diet with no alcohol or caffeine all week, and we were even assigned a day of silence. At first, I thought this was going to be really tough (and it was! Lol), but this was exactly what my body needed after a crazy busy last month. I took on a new fashion client and two new brand partnerships during the one month leading up to my trip. I worked nonstop including every weekend and then my body broke down and I got sick just before my flight out. At Hariharalaya, I was nursed back to health and forced to be still after being on the constant go for basically all of October. I meditated and practiced yoga daily, read books, journal-ed every night, rode bikes through the countryside, napped for hours in a hammock, hula-hooped (I’m not bad!), played ping pong (so fun!), practiced ukelele (I’m pretty bad! Ha!), and woke up to the sounds of roosters or monks chanting in the distance. My body leaned into the opportunity to be still for a moment in order to reset and recharge and it felt so good!

In addition to yoga, we were blessed by monks that visited the retreat, got to speak with a former monk about his journey and transition, had a Cambodian band from the local village play for us, and we learned traditional Cambodian dancing. While I loved my experience at the retreat, I had two favorite moments: 1.) The day the monks walked into our retreat holding a smart phone out, blasting music upon their arrival and departure. This happened on our day of silence, after we had been deprived of our phones all week! The monks had smart phones and we didn’t! This made me smile. 2.) On the last day of our retreat, which also happened to be my birthday, we had one last yoga and meditation session. As the session was coming to a close, we were told to stand up. All of the sudden a song by Lauryn Hill started playing and we were instructed to dance. And so we danced. And we laughed…a lot. After a week of challenging our bodies, our stomachs, and our minds, who knew that dancing would be exactly what we needed. It was such a fun and silly way to end the retreat and begin my birthday celebration.

In the last few years, it has become an annual tradition for me to go on a yoga retreat—mostly because I was feeling lost or because I needed to escape. This time was different. I’m so happy and grateful that I got to celebrate my birthday in Cambodia. The yoga retreat was only the beginning of my adventure in Cambodia and was such a wonderful transition into my new year of life. If you haven’t been on a solo-trip before (this is my 4th), I highly recommend it. It is the best way to learn about yourself as well as challenge yourself, self-reflect, nourish your soul, and push your boundaries.

My birthday celebration continued in Siem Reap. I took a cooking class in town and stayed at Templation (part of the Maads Hotel group), where I stayed at the most beautiful private villa. I had breakfast served to me in my pool! Staying here felt like I was staying in my own private oasis in the jungle. The service was amazing. I had the opportunity to meet their award-winning Cambodian Chef Tim Pheak. The staff was so friendly and accommodating. They even surprised me with a delicious birthday cake and sang to me! And a special person back home had wine delivered to my room with a sweet note.

After being deprived of some indulgences the week prior during the yoga retreat, I felt a little gluttonous, sitting in my luxurious hotel bed, eating leftover birthday cake and drinking wine. But I was happy and completely content because I had such a good birthday. It was probably the best birthday ever. Is it possible to enjoy yourself that much alone? Yes, it is. Even though I had the opportunity to celebrate with some new friends from the yoga retreat at Pub Street, I chose to stay in. My birthday started with yoga and dancing, continued with a cooking class, and ended with wine and cake in bed. It was perfect.

The next day, I woke up early to visit the ancient temples in Siem Reap. I have visited several times before, but it never gets old for me. Each time I visit, I am in awe of the beauty and the history. This time, I wanted to make sure I captured that beauty. Many people hire photographers for engagements, weddings, babies, and family photos. As far as I know, I am not getting married or having a baby anytime soon and I also don’t know what the future holds for me. So I decided, why not celebrate single me? Plus, it’s hard to take photos of yourself when you’re traveling solo. I splurged and hired local Khmer photographer Josepp to take some shots of me at the temples. It was fun to pretend to be a model for a couple of hours.

After Siem Reap, I flew down to Phnom Penh to spend some time with my family, eat local food, shop at the souvenir markets, and relax. Tourism has really grown in Cambodia and there are so many options to choose from for accommodations. I stayed at a few different hotels that are also part of the Maads Hotel group. I first stayed at The Penh House: Jungle Addition. This hotel is centrally located in the bustling city with beautiful rooftops views, yet you still feel like you’re in nature in the charming Jungle Addition. I also got a chance to stay at their sister location down the street, The Pavilion, which offers large, spacious suites and 2 hotel pools. A complimentary sunset boat cruise, a massage, and a few other perks are included with your stay here. I was so impressed with all of the accommodations and the attentive and friendly service provided at all of the Maads Hotel locations.

However, my most memorable stay was at the The Floatation, an eco-friendly glamping site that floats on the Mekong River and is only accessible by boat. The Floatation is also part of the Maads Hotel group. It’s connected to a restaurant bar with a small staff that caters solely to you. It’s definitely very romantic and even though I stayed here alone, I really enjoyed the entire experience—the boat ride, watching the sunset from my private patio, and my delicious Khmer dinner. If you’re interested in this experience, you should book this place fast because there is only 1 room available!

Next, I took a 5 hour bus ride to Kep on the coast of Cambodia. I had been to Kep before and I just had to come back for the crabs at Kimly Restaurant. They make the most delicious fried crabs with fresh green Kampot peppers on the sprig. It had been 7 years since I last had them and I had to have them again! The beach in Kep was beautiful as well but I mostly came for the crabs :P Since I had been to Kep before and visited Rabbit Island, I only spent one night here before leaving the next day for Kampot.

Kampot is a sleepy riverside town in the mountains about a 45 minute ride from Kep. I had never been before and it had been on my list for awhile. I visited the Bokor Mountain, which is part of a national park and home to pagodas, an abandoned palace, and a waterfall. The swirling clouds, elevation, and history all made this visit so magical.

From Kampot, I also visited La Plantation, which is a pepper plantation. Kampot is known for their pepper, which make tasty seafood dishes such as the crabs I had in Kep. I didn’t realize that most of the pepper plantations were closer to Kep. Had I known, I probably would have taken the time to visit more than one because I enjoyed it so much! The drive alone on the back of a motor bike through fields of sugar cane and rice paddies was beautiful! On the way to La Plantation are breathtaking views of Secret Lake in the middle of the countryside with the mountain backdrop. It was so interesting learning about the different types of peppercorn—green, red, dark red, white, and black. My favorite is the fresh green peppercorn but you can only take it home dried, otherwise it will spoil.

I really enjoyed the tour of the Bokor Mountain and the pepper plantation, but I was exhausted! It was a long day of activities! I needed some down time relax at my hotel, Sabay Beach Resort. The resort is a little bit away from the main town, but that was exactly what I liked about it. It’s right on the riverfront with beautiful views of the sunset behind the mountains. I spent a day at the Nibi Spa, a spa on the riverfront that involves you getting picked up by a small private boat. I had never been picked up by boat for a spa day before! I had an amazing massage there that put me right to sleep. It was just what I had needed after a busy day of touristy activities.

From Kampot, I took a 4-hour bus ride to Sihanoukville to catch a 1-hour ferry ride to Koh Rong Island, where a season of Survivor had been filmed. Another long day of travel. The boat ride there was really rough and I was a little scared, but I think the most beautiful islands are sometimes the ones that are a little harder to get to. I stayed at Sok San Beach resort, which is away from the party area of the island. It was so nice to have only 1 mission during my stay: relax on the white sand beaches, bathe in the warm blue sea, and drink cocktails. But I did take a break from relaxing to ride a horse for the first time ever! Koh Rong Island was a very different experience from the rest of my trip but it was also such a nice complement to my adventure.

Instead of taking another long bus ride, I decided to fly back to Phnom Penh for my last 3 days in Cambodia. I stayed at The Aquarius Hotel, an urban and hipster hotel with an incredible rooftop infinity pool and view. Something about the style of this hotel resonated with me and reminded me of home. I loved the industrial decor, the raw light-bulb lighting, the bespoke art, and the upbeat messages with Khmer translation that hung on tapestries in the rooms.

Traveling is always rough on my body, but it was all worth it. I got over 70 mosquito bites (so itchy), at least 50 sand fly bites, 4 allergy attacks, and 2 bloody noses after healing from a sore throat and cold when I arrived in Cambodia. Even still, I try to find my comforts wherever I go to help w the transition. This includes taking time out to rest at my hotel and not feeling guilty about it, eating comfort foods that sooth my belly and soul (for me, that's noodle soup and bolognese. You can find decent versions of bolognese on any western menu almost anywhere in the world lol), drinking fresh fruit and green juices, getting massages, using face-mask sheets to hydrate my dry skin, napping, meditating with my Insight Timer app, and sometimes taking melanin when I have trouble sleeping.

Even though I left Cambodia, the adventure is not over. There’s so much more to see and I will definitely be coming back. This time, I’m not going to let so many years pass by again before I do.

P.S. Thank you for reading this lengthy post! I did so much during this trip and I didn’t want to leave anything out. I have so many pictures and I wish I could share them all with you! I will have to dedicate my next blog post to just the food that I ate in Cambodia. Stay tuned…

Dreams...

I had a challenging last week. Can I blame it on Mercury in Retrograde? Some things fell through, professionally and personally, and it made me feel sad, discouraged, and stressed. What am I doing with my life? Am I making the right decisions? What did I do wrong? Etc etc. While it’s human to feel these emotions and have these thoughts, I didn’t want to linger in that head space for too long. I needed to let go, shake it off, and move on.

When I’m feeling anxious or stressed, I have a hard time sleeping. I replay events in my head and over-analyze things unnecessarily, recreating the feelings of negative emotions. Earlier last week, I had one of those dreams where everything went wrong and then it ended with someone saying to me, “Davy, I’m so disappointed in you.” We can analyze that in so many different ways. For example, my mother is not the most supportive mom in regards to my endeavors. I have never heard her say she’s proud of me (until one time recently when I got mad at her). It’s not part of her language or culture, but that’s another long story. However, I can definitely remember her telling me several times about how disappointed she is in me. And if she didn’t say it blatantly, her disapproval was always obvious in her tone and choice of words. Anyway, I was feeling stressed and insecure and it was manifesting in my dream that night.

My friend suggested I try Insight Timer, a free app for meditation and sleep. It’s amazing. I’m not able to stay awake for the entire meditation but I believe you still absorb the positive words while you drift off into sleep. After using Insight Timer a few times, I had the most comforting dream by the end of last week. I was in a small plane with a guy I used to date. I don’t think there is any significance with that particular person because he was never anyone I was serious with. He was that guy I had fun with briefly, which I guess has a different type of significance. My mother never wanted me to have fun growing up—”You had fun last week, you don’t need to have fun again this week.” As if having too much fun is a bad thing that needed to be controlled and restrained. In this dream, we were about to jump out of the plane to skydive. I was scared and nervous. He comforted me and said, “It’s okay, just hold my hand.” So I held his hand and then we jumped out of the plane together. I was shocked because it didn’t feel as scary as I had anticipated. The view was beautiful. I felt light and free. But when we started to get closer to the ground, I panicked because I didn’t know what to do. He reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. He instructed me to deploy the parachute and then we pulled it together. We landed softly and smoothly on our feet in a field where there were people out picnicking and kids playing. It was a beautiful sunny day. I felt relieved and at peace. I was impressed with myself for being brave enough to go through with skydiving, and I was also so grateful that I survived! It didn’t matter how scared I was, I still let go and jumped out of the plane. I still landed on my feet. Those feelings stayed with me when I woke up the next morning. I felt calm, comforted, and hopeful that regardless of what happened last week, things will all work out.

As I was still thinking about the dream again this week, I was reminded of a motorcycle accident I was in 11 years ago. My guy friend showed up at my doorstep to pick me up for dinner on a motorcycle. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on it because I had never been on one before in the USA but he persuaded me. I conceded because I felt that I needed to say yes to more experiences in my life at that time. I had trouble putting on my helmet so he helped me put it on but I didn’t realize he didn’t buckle it. We didn’t have to ride very far for me to feel unsafe with him. I told him he was going too fast and he disagreed. In less than 2 miles, at an intersection, he hit a moving car making a left turn in front of us. My body flew off the bike and hit another moving car, my helmet flew off my head, and my body fell lifelessly onto the concrete pavement. I have no memory of the impact because I was unconscious and didn’t wake up until the paramedics came to the scene. Fortunately, I didn’t have any major injuries. However, I did suffer from a concussion, had a contusion on my head the size of a golf ball (in my memory, it felt like the size of a baseball), purple bruises and scrapes all over my body, and a sprained wrist and hand. My last thought that night before the accident was, “Oh shit, are we going to make it?” Even though we had the right of way, I felt like my friend was at fault because he was going too fast and could have avoided the accident. He also didn’t listen to me when I told him I was nervous and wanted him to slow down. I trusted him and he failed me that night. My injuries could have been worse. I could have died.

I’m grateful that I survived that crash. But I wonder if, in a way, I have trouble giving up control as a result of that incident. Because when I gave up control in that situation, I got myself into a really bad accident. Do I subconsciously equate control with surviving and letting go with death? In my dream last week, I finally let go, gave up control, jumped out of a plane, and had a beautiful new experience and a smooth landing.

In life, all the little moments impact us. All the big moments impact us as well. Some more heavily than others. Sometimes we ignore how situations, people, circumstances, and things make us feel. Maybe it’s connected to something that has happened to us in the past or maybe not. Those feelings inevitably manifest somehow—in our dreams, in our relationships, in our health. I would like to think that the Universe gives us signs to follow and guide us through life. We just have to pay closer attention. Other times, I search for meaning in things that I just can’t shake off for some reason and yet still find no answer. Because you won’t know why things happen, until they have happened. I have to trust that all things will happen for me in time. This is not an excuse for me to be lazy or to give up. It’s a reason to keep going, to keep moving forward, and maybe to switch things up. Who knows? But at the very least, this rant was cathartic :)

Back from NYC!

I can’t believe I skipped the entire month of June without writing a blog post! Where did the time go?! After returning from a month long trip to Boston to test out recipes with my mom, I was in LA for a week before I had to fly back out to the east coast again to NYC to see family. Family from Boston, NYC, and Paris with 4 toddlers in tow. It has been an exhausting last 2 months! You have no idea how happy I am to be home! I love my space. I love my alone time. I love my home. I love LA.

I feel really behind on work that I need to do for myself. Just because I have a flexible schedule, doesn’t mean I don’t have work. Just because not all the work I do involves a paycheck, doesn’t mean it’s any less important. Just because my work doesn’t immediately produce an output doesn’t mean it’s not working towards something. Sometimes, I feel like it’s hard for people to understand that. And I just don’t want to constantly have to explain myself or remind people that. Even though the east coast was productive, I feel like I lost a little bit of the momentum I have worked hard to build to get myself motivated and committed to my journey.

Anyways, I am happy to be back home. Happy to return to my routine. Happy to get back to my schedule. Happy to be in my own kitchen cooking again on my terms. I don’t think I will be going anywhere for awhile. Here are a few shots from my trip.

Interview with VoyageLA Mag

I am so excited to share with you my interview with VoyageLA Mag! They asked me to be a part of their Trailblazers series, Rewriting the Narrative. Here is a link to my full interview.

When VoyageLA first reached out to me, I wasn’t exactly sure what story I had to tell. My entire journey has been up and down, full of highs and lows, as well as self-doubt. My initial thought was that I didn’t have a perfect or fluid story to tell. And where does my story even begin? Sometimes we get caught up in this idea of perfection. But it’s the flaws and mistakes that actually help us grow and learn. I have many stories and they are all intertwined into my current journey of creating a cookbook of my mother’s Cambodian recipes—my parents survival from the Cambodian genocide, my birth at a refugee camp, our escape from my abusive father, growing up poor, feeling like an outsider growing up, etc. These stories have all led me to where I am today. I am not only writing a cookbook, I am writing my story.

During my interview with VoyageLA, I realized I have so much to share and a lot more to say than I had thought. I hope you enjoy my interview and can relate to my journey and feel inspired. There is beauty in all of our imperfections. I need to remind myself that. Everyone has a story. What’s yours?