Hello Again!

Oh my goodness. I cannot believe I have not written a blog post since April! It has been awhile. I guess I just needed to take a little time (or a lot of time) for my mental health. After having a breakdown in March/April, it took awhile for me to pick myself up again. It’s not something that happens in a day. Or even a week or a month. There’s not one thing that makes it go away. And sometimes the things that have worked before don’t work anymore. It’s a process. A journey.

Since I have last written, there have been a few things that I have done to get myself back to a better place. I indulged and splurged on a spa day at the Belair Hotel with a couple friends. It was so lovely. The massage was wonderful and so were the amenites that came with it. Before and after your massage, you can relax in their lounge room or patio with tea or champagne and snacks. We lunched al fresco at the Wolfgang Puck restaurant at the hotel afterwards. The Belair Hotel feels like a little retreat away from the city because of the pond and lush greens that surround it. I definitely want to do this again and should probably do it more often.

I joined an Empowered Women’s Group that meets weekly. It comforting to be a part of a group that is committed to self-improvement and self-development and is also supportive and compassionate. I went on a weekend trip to Palm Springs with a friend and indulged in the accommodations and really good restaurants. I started checking off LA restaurants, concerts, and activities that were on my to-do/explore list. I read a new book called What Happened to You? that is partly written by Oprah. It explores the effects of trauma. I did some light exercises. All of this slowly brought me some joy. And it felt good to feel good again.

I had also returned to Boston in May to see my mother. I was really nervous about that trip because I just wasn’t sure I could handle the emotions, stress, and everything involved in her recovery after having had such a hard time in February and March, which led to the my breakdown. She seemed better though. Not the same, but I witnessed small glimpses of her old self and that gave me some relief.

Then in July, I got Covid. Most likely the BA.5 variant and it hit me hard. Fever of 102 for 3 days. Achiness, strained voice, sore throat, lack of appetite, and fatigue for 3 weeks. After quarantining for 10 days, I still had low energy and sounded horrible. To be isolated for that long, alone, while physically suffering really made me regress. People talk about the physical effects of Covid all the time but I was not prepared for what it did to me mentally. It was lonely, isolating, depressing, and took me to a dark, negative place again. The only positive that came out of Covid for me was that I was so bored that I learned how to solve a Rubik’s cube. This had been on my to-do list after seeing my stepdad do it. It’s a more spiritual experience than one may think. Solving the cube involves creativity, patience, pushing through resistance, taking a few steps back to move forward, taking many steps that don’t make sense in the moment but make sense later, feeling like you aren’t progressing but you know that you are, problem solving in different scenarios, and focusing on just the next step instead of being overwhelmed by the entire problem at once. It’s a good distraction and does take your mind off things momentarily.

So now, I’m back there again. Trying to pick myself up. Today is the first day that my voice feels almost back to normal but I still feel like I have something in my throat. Progress! I just returned from a weekend in Colorado for a bachelorette party, which I probably shouldn’t have gone to in the first place because even though I was Covid negative, I still wasn’t feeling my best yet. So now, I’m completely worn out and my introverted self needs some alone time. I think I need to take myself out on a solo date this weekend and do some things that might bring me joy. I’m a tortured introvert though—I want alone time but then I feel lonely and also want to be social. It’s an ongoing inner conflict. Can anyone relate?

Ok I need to write more often. Hopefully, you will get some positive updates from me soon or at the very least, new recipes!

Hello 2022!

Happy New Year! I’m a little late writing my first post of 2022 because…frankly, I’m still processing lol. The month of December was such a fog. I caught a cold from, I think, the one night I chose to go out with a big group of people for Santa Pub Crawl. It wasn’t Omicron, but who knows anymore with all this talk of false negatives. However, I didn’t have those related symptoms and I tested twice and was negative. But other people I had interacted with that night tested positive for Covid. I hadn’t been sick in 2 years so this felt strange.

In today’s pandemic climate, you really can’t see people or go out in public when you’re sick, even if it’s not Covid. So I had to cancel all my plans over the holidays and then semi-isolate. I hadn’t seen a single person in over 2 weeks from before Christmas and into the new year. It was so depressing. As much of a homebody and introvert as I am, it still took a toll on my mental health. The last couple years of pandemic have been so exhausting. I’m exhausted. And I know I’m not the only one, but wow. This is never-ending. Even with the vaccine and the booster.

I spent Christmas at home solo eating soup. By NYE, I still had residual symptoms but I felt better. I had more energy and was comfortable venturing out. Since I couldn’t see anybody and had such a lonely Christmas, I wanted to do something nice for myself for New Year’s Eve. I wanted to treat myself to a gift (because retail therapy does work some of the time) but the designer item I wanted was sold out after I had my heart set on it all week and I waited in line for an hour. That was disappointing. So then I went to the grocery store to pick up stuff to make myself a nice dinner that consisted of more than just broth—spaghetti arrabbiata with burrata and pumpkin tart.

But I still felt off mentally. I really didn’t want to carry that negative feeling into the new year but it was really hard to shake off. I had been isolated for over 2 weeks. I worked over Christmas and NYE holidays because I was available (since I had to cancel all my plans) even though I was sick. I hadn’t really been drinking much alcohol for the last four months since I’ve been on a hydrating kick and sort of lost my enjoyment for cocktails, wine, and bubbles. Once I felt better physically, I learned that a lot of my friends and their families caught Omicron and therefore, had to isolate and were not available. On the first work day of the new year, my work laptop died and I lost some of my work and a lot of time. Spent those first 2 work days trying to resolve that situation on top of being on a tight work deadline. I know these setbacks seem small, but I just kept feeling defeated.

By the end of the first week though, I did find that sold out item (I called incessantly to inquire) that I wanted to gift myself and it did bring me some joy. I connected with a new friend in the neighborhood and we both decided we’re commited to getting out of our sweatpants (although I love love sweatpants) and out of the house more. I signed up for some events, met some more new people, and also went on a couple of new hikes. I’m trying to do all the things while being Covid-safe. I’m not entirely there yet, but I’m trying. It would be nice if there was one simple solution that always worked, but there’s not.

It does feel good to get dressed up again and see people so sharing with you some of my recent outfits because I don’t have that much else to share at the moment. I have purchased so many sweats, joggers, and hoodies in the last 2 years! I also have several new, unworn outfits that still have tags on them sitting in my closet. These outfits need to be worn! Another reason to get out more! Human interaction/connection, exercise steps, fresh air, and to wear my unworn outfits! Even though I enjoyed being out again in the last 2 weeks, it definitely felt like work to get dressed up, go out, and socialize, being the introvert that I am. And everything seemed more expensive. Prices have increased and quality and service have declined a bit—all natural side effects of the pandemic. It’s also an adjustment going from isolation and only spending money on necessities to paying for entertainment and fun again. I could really use a massage too.

Life right now is strange. Gotta find all the little things that bring you joy. It has been raining a lot in LA lately and I like it. The gloom and overcast matches my mood and it’s comforting. It will all disippate soon though. Follow the light and eventually the fog will clear, right?

Fortunately, Chinese New Year is in 2 weeks and I will have another shot at resetting for the new year.

Life Update

I can sometimes be a sensitive little bunny. I overanalyze things, replay stuff in my head, and sometimes create stories that don’t exist. I can be histrionic, melancholic, empathetic, and deeply affected by my surroundings. I sometimes need reassurance and validation from others. So you can imagine giving up on corporate life and pursuing a personal dream has not been easy for me!

Thinking back on this journey, I didn’t have faith in myself, but somehow (I really have no idea how), I kept persisting and moving forward. And now I’m in year 3 of independently working for myself with 70 recipes, pages of creative memoir stories, and dozens of social media partnerships under my belt. And I’m happy to announce, after turning down a direct publishing offer a couple months ago, I have officially signed with a literary agent! I have to stop for a minute and show myself some love. I never thought I would find an agent that is as passionate about my memoir cookbook as I am. But I found her! I’m in the home stretch and hopefully am on my way to getting published soon!

The last year and a half have not been easy with the pandemic. There have been lots of lows and then small highs or more like mediums and then back to lows again with me questioning whether things would ever get better. During the last couple months I started to feel bouts of intense self-negative talk, existential confusion, and lack of direction. I had finished all of my cookbook writing and didn’t have a concrete plan for what was next for me. I couldn’t find a new client for my consulting business and had gotten lots of rejections from literary agents. I sulked alone in my dark pit for awhile and then forced myself to be social as an attempt to rescue myself. I was ready to admit defeat and accept all the failed outcomes in my life, but then things began to turn around. Within less than 2 months, four literary agents expressed interest in my cookbook, I got a new client for my consulting business, and landed a new social media partnership with a brand I love! I basically have 3 jobs. It’s complicated but also fun to be able to mix things up.

Sometimes my little heart can’t handle the emotional rollercoaster that is life. I’m not good at riding the waves. In fact, I can’t swim so it makes riding the waves a little harder and scarier. Everything passes though—the good, the bad, and the ugly—and you just gotta learn how to roll with all the punches. I am trying to get better at letting go and not attaching myself to certain outcomes. Hope for the best, and just keep moving forward, and whatever happens, happens. And when I haven’t been able to handle my emotions lately, I’ve indulged in donuts and cake. A sweet treat really does help!

My life isn’t perfect. I don’t have everything that I desire. But in this moment, I’m feeling good and I’m going to sit with this feeling of pride, love, and gratitude for a bit.

Coronaversary

It’s March. We’ve hit our one year anniversary of when it all began. One year since the pandemic officially started and forever changed our lives. An ENTIRE year! Can you believe it? It began with a 2 week lockdown and one year later, we’re still here. How do I feel about it? I have so many thoughts and feelings. Not much happened and yet everything changed all at the same time.

On a superficial level, I’ve expanded my athleisure section of my wardrobe. Now, it takes up a greater percentage of my closet. I have always loved sweatpants before but now I really love them. Sweatpants and hoodies—just give me more. One can never have enough.

In March of last year, like everyone else, I was dealing with the initial shock of a pandemic and what that meant for the world. I had my first of two anxiety attacks. I was trying to mend a broken heart and I retreated from the world. Trauma was triggered. Mental health became more important to me than ever in my adult years. I joined mental wellness support groups. It was the first time since my early twenties that I participated in talk therapy consistently for a year. And when I didn’t expect it, I learned so much about myself.

My project with a fashion client ended and I’ve been able to resume my passion project—the Cambodian cookbook. This time, I’m working on my writing, which I think is the most fun part. I’ve forgotten how much I enjoy writing. I wrote a novella in college and then continued to take a creative writing course after college but never really pursued it and I wish I had all these years, even just as a hobby. After two weeks of testing out different writing groups and getting frustrated, I finally found one that provides a supportive community for critique, workshopping, and encouragement. I guess, you can join a group for just about anything nowadays. It was something I never thought to do before and is definitely something I want to continue even after I finish my cookbook.

Most excitingly, I got my first dose of the Covid vaccine shot! It felt so sweet to get it on the anniversary of the start of the pandemic! It only took 5 hours of waiting in the cold without food or bathroom breaks to get the extra leftover vaccine, but it was completely worth it! Even though things won’t change overnight, I felt like I made it to the finish line. I was so happy and relieved. I celebrated with tacos and cake to honor the occasion! My stepfather has gotten his within the month as well. I’m just waiting for my mother to get hers so that I can see them again after TWO long years! I’m looking forward to the world resuming some sort of normalcy soon even if we have to proceed with caution.

Getting vaccinated gives me all kinds of feels and has given me so much to reflect on. What a long year it has been! We’ve all come such a long way and I’m grateful for making it through. I’m feeling good today.

Happy 2021!

Happy NEW Year! I had been meaning to check in on the blog but then chaos ensued after only a few days into the new year. The riots at the Capitol were so upsetting. I had a lot of feelings and needed some time to process. I’m deeply saddened by the acts of ignorance, hate, racism, and white supremacy in our country. I can’t help but feel a little scared and nervous about the future with everything happening right now. While I think that having new leadership will help, as a country, we still have a long way to go and so much to learn.

Here in Los Angeles, we are still in a lockdown. I survived the holidays. It was a little lonely and isolating but I bounced back quicker than I thought I would. People all around me are still traveling and seeing their friends and carrying on as normal (or close to normal) and I’m wondering if I should be doing the same? I haven’t seen my family in a year and a half. I haven’t been on a plane in a year. I do see people occasionally for social distant hangs, walks, and hikes but probably not as regularly as I should to maintain my mental health.

I was starting to feel the isolation creeping in on me again as we entered the new year. So then last weekend, I made plans for 2 back to back hangs, 2 days in a row. One was a challenging 4 mile uphill hike to Sandstone Peak in Malibu and the other was a 5 mile walk along Zuma Beach in Malibu. I had also hiked 3 times that week leading up to the weekend and had a few back to back FaceTime calls the Friday night prior. That following Monday, I was completely exhausted and as a result, was not as productive as I had wanted to be. Plus, my body was completely sore from all the hiking and exercise. By Tuesday morning, I still had not recovered. I woke up with an allergy attack and was basically incapacitated on the couch for the whole day. My body did not like all of that action! As an introvert, too much social activity can be draining but now, in a pandemic, after becoming accustomed to quarantine and isolation, I must have hit a whole new level of social exhaustion combined with too much physical ventures. Anyway, because of that setback, I worked all of this weekend on my cookbook to catch up with the time that I lost during the week.

With my consulting at a halt at the moment due to my project ending last November, I finally have the time to refocus on my cookbook. It was hard to transition back to a creative and entrepreneurial mindset and schedule though. It took a couple of weeks of resistance in December before I found the momentum to get going again. In the last year, it was not possible for me to work on the cookbook while also juggling full-time consulting work, brand partnerships, content creation, and my blog. I believe this break from consulting is a blessing in disguise because now I can commit my time to the cookbook again. My passion project requires more energy. Creativity for me requires more energy. I notice that when there is too much space and time between each piece of the cookbook that I work on, it then reflects in my work. The quality, depth, connection, and flow suffer. I’ll forget why I wrote something or how I made a dish.

Since mid-December, I’ve been FaceTiming with my mom several days a week to discuss my recipes, photos, Khmer translations, ideas, and facts about our history. I’m going back through all my recipes and editing the writing, reorganizing the flow, and deciding which ones I need to reshoot. Even though I devoted the entire 2019 to cooking most of the recipes in the book (and thought I was almost done), I’ve just added more new recipes to my list and I still have desserts that I need to make. And I’d like to add more stories. I still have a lot to do and it has been so exhausting. One evening, I spoke with my mom for 2 hours just about herbs! HERBS! Each of our calls last 2 hours. There’s so much detail to go through and understand. But I know I can do it!

Last week, on a call with a new therapist, she asked me what I do for fun after I had updated her on all the things I’ve been working on and all the emotions I had been feeling. Her question made me pause and think. I had been spending all my time working on the cookbook, FaceTiming with my mom or sister to brainstorm about contents of the cookbook, going to virtual therapy, and attending virtual support groups. Basically, all my time had been devoted to either my cookbook or my mental health. It has been awhile since I’ve dedicated a day or even a few hours to doing something that brings me joy. I was diligent about allocating one day a week to joy last summer and I did do a couple road trips in November that brought me some joy. But I hadn’t really incorporated joy into part of my everyday life recently. I’ve kind of lost my balance again. And that’s okay. It happens. It’s hard to maintain balance all the time.

So this coming week, I’m going to be thinking about some new ways to spark joy for me and try to incorporate it more regularly into my life. I also think that we all need to show ourselves a little compassion and grace for just surviving everything that is happening in the world right now. It’s a lot. In the meantime, I hope you find some way to bring a little bit of joy into your life as well. And if you have ideas, please comment on this post and share! I’d love to hear!

Mini Cuban-Inspired Cottage Pies for Thanksgiving

When I was road-tripping in Maine about 4 years ago, I stumbled upon a delicious pizzeria that had a shepherd’s pie pizza. It may sound strange but it was actually super delicious with the ground beef, potatoes, and corn toppings. I’ve actually never had a proper cottage (made with beef) or shepherd’s (made with lamb) pie before but ever since then, I’ve wanted to make mini versions of it because mini versions of everything are always so cute.

With the onset of the pandemic and being in lockdown, I finally felt motivated to make my first cottage pie. But when I started researching recipes, the ingredients and spices didn’t sound that exciting to me. Then I remembered the amazing papas rellenas (fried stuffed potatoes) I’ve had at Porto’s Bakery and thought maybe I can somehow combine the two, especially since I didn’t have a real point of reference for the cottage pies.

I made these mini cottage pies for the first time in June using phyllo dough to hold the filling. I thought they were pretty good but could use a few tweaks. I attempted the recipe again with my tweaks for Thanksgiving but I actually think that my first batch was better. So here is the recipe from my first attempt. You can tweak it to your preference. I thought the batch I made for Thanksgiving was too salty and spicy (I had added 1/2 tsp more than what is noted below). I think next time, I want to try adding 1/2 cup of sweet corn kernals. Someday, I will try making a full version of this without the phyllo dough because that was the most tedious part. Let me know what you think!

Mini Cuban-Inspired Cottage Pies (makes about 20)

Ingredients

 Filling

·         1 lb ground beef

·         1 sweet yellow onion, diced

·         1  carrot, diced

·         1 red bell pepper, diced

·         ½ cup of frozen peas

·         1 jalapeno, diced

·         1 cup of tomato sauce

·         4 cloves of garlic, diced

·         ½ cup of wine

·         ½ cup of coconut milk

·         1 tsp salt

·         1 tsp black pepper

·         2 tsp cumin

·         1 tsp oregano

·         ½ tsp chili powder

·         1 tbsp olive oil

·         chives, diced (optional for garnish)

 Mashed Potatoes

·         2 yukon potatoes

·         ½ cup of coconut milk

·         1 tbsp butter

·         1 tsp salt

 Cup

·         Phyllo dough sheets

o   cut roughly into 4x4 inch squares

o   layer about 6 squares together (does not need to be exactly on top of each other, you can fan it out)

o   brush with olive oil between each square sheet

Directions:

Over medium high heat, add olive oil and sauté onions until golden brown.  Add garlic, jalapeno, carrots, and peppers and cook for a couple minutes.

Lower heat to medium.  Add beef and all of the dry seasoning for the filling.  Break up the meat with your spatula.  Add ½ cup of wine and let reduce for about 10 minutes.

Lower heat.  Throw in frozen peas. Add tomato sauce and cook for 20 minutes.  Add ½ cup of coconut milk and cook for another 20 minutes and let sit.

Meanwhile, peel and cut potatoes into chunks and boil for about 20-25 minutes in salted water.  Mix ingredients for the mashed potatoes and set aside.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put together phyllo dough squares.

Brush muffin tin lightly with olive oil.  Push in phyllo dough squares.  Add beef filling and top with mashed potatoes.

Cook mini cottage pies for 10 minutes and then broil for 5 minutes.

Garnish with chopped chives and serve.

Happy November!

Ok, so if you’ve read my previous blog post, you know that I’m experiencing a transition in my life and that I’m trying to embrace all of the feelings that come with it—both the good and the bad. How is it going? Well, I’m on my third glass of wine tonight. This is the first week I’ve fully had time to sit in my feelings and you know what? I don’t really like it! LOL.

The first week after my year long contract with a client ended in October, I went on a road trip. The second week was a very stressful week with the election (very happy with the results even though it took 5 emotional days to find out!) plus I was called back to work for a couple days with my previous client This week, I haven’t had any distraction. No paid work and no road trips. Just me, myself, and I. I’ve been very productive personally though. I’ve done some purging by cleaning and organizing my apartment, running errands, and making calls to customer service to fix things. Errands, tasks, and cleaning take up so much time. I don’t know how people get any of these things done with a full-time job. If I didn’t have free time this week, these items would still be on my to-do list.

It’s very lonely not having to interact with people through work, even if it is via zoom nowadays with the pandemic. The pandemic has really exacerbated the situation because of social distancing and not being able to travel freely during my time off as I would normally. I don’t know how I did this last year. Last year, I devoted most of the year, after quiting my job, to working on my cookbook. I was very determined and spent the first 6 months of last year cooking everyday with very little social interaction and very minimal consulting work. And all of that was self-imposed. Now, it has only been a week and I’m already uncomfortable. How did I survive last year?

I’m trying to surrender to the discomfort while still moving forward. I finished two new books this month—The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck and Psychopath Free (recommended by my therapist). I enjoyed The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck. It preaches embracing your problems because they provide opportunities to improve. It also discusses toxic positivity, which is something I can definitely relate to. I feel like the toxic positivity thought process is popular right now (and also super annoying), especially in Los Angeles. Having feelings and discussing and working through your problems are human and all parts of the healing process. But people sometimes get uncomfortable hearing about your problems and want to solve it or spin it into a positive immediately. Before sweeping everything under the rug through phrases like, “sending you love and light,” “good vibes only,” “try to be positive,” or “let’s try to reframe that,” take a minute to acknowledge the shitty problem and the negative (real and human) feelings that accompany it. Those “negative” feelings are helpful in catapulting you into changing a shitty situation into a better situation. If everything was happy all the time, then we would never change. All emotions need to be felt and explored in order for you to learn more about yourself, heal, and move forward.

Anyway, that’s my two cents for now. Thought it would be helpful to publicly journal [blog] while I’m in my state of discomfort.

Road Trip!

Endings always make me feel sad and nostalgic for what was or used to be. Even if ending something felt right and is the best thing to do. Yes, beginnings can be exciting too but beginnings are unknown and uncertain and always give me a little bit of anxiety.

That is how the end of the year always feels for me. And that feeling usually starts around fall, as we approach my birthday in November which is the end of MY year, and continues into the holidays, and then into New Years—the end of everyone’s year.

In addition to these calendar endings, I am experiencing other endings in my life as well. My year long project with a client has come to an end. Two of my good friends decided to move out of Los Angeles with their families to more affordable cities so that they can save money while working from home during the pandemic. I closed the door on a new and meaningful relationship that started during the pandemic (imagine that!) and initially had so much potential. My therapist is no longer able to accept my health insurance after this month (don’t even get me started on how difficult it is to even find a NEW therapist who accepts your insurance and is accepting new patients).

All of these endings are just too much for my little heart to handle! It’s a lot of change and transition. It hurts. And it’s uncomfortable. And I’m just tired. Tired of it all.

With these endings, I decided to embark on a solo road trip to clear my head. Traveling is usually my go-to for recharging my soul. I do it every November so that I don’t get sad on my birthday. But this year is different. We are in a pandemic and traveling via plane and/or abroad is highly discouraged. My next best option is a road trip. I like road trips but they are definitely more enjoyable with someone. As much traveling as I have done solo, I would much prefer to share all of these experiences. But also, I don’t want to let not having a partner discourage me from exploring the world.

I decided to go to The Grand Canyon. It has been on my list for a long time and I had been waiting to go with someone but I didn’t want to wait anymore. It’s a long drive from Los Angeles, so I broke up the trip by stopping in Vegas on the way there and back. I also stopped at The Valley of Fire, an hour east of Vegas. Both Vegas and Valley of Fire were a lot of fun. It’s easy to distract yourself with a nice bath, cocktails, and room service. I also really enjoyed exploring The Valley of Fire. As a state park, it was much more manageable and not as overwhelming as a national park.

Afterwards, I headed down to The Grand Canyon and I was amazed by the spectacular view. The Grand Canyon is massive but it left me feeling really small and a little sad and alone. There wasn’t as much distraction as there was in Vegas, as the food and accommodations there were pretty basic. My hotel room was freezing. The restaurant nearby where I had to pick up food wasn’t very good and they messed up my order twice so I never got what I ordered and paid for.

I found myself wanting to leave immediately. I felt anxious to get back to Vegas and to return home. I felt uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with all of the changes in my life. Uncomfortable with this fucking year of 2020. Running off to Vegas and Arizona did not solve my problems. Not that I thought it would. But I thought it would maybe do something to ease my mind and heart. And I’m not sure that it did. I was anxious the entire time and did not sleep well at all. But I did check two new places off my list and that’s pretty incredible. I did a long road trip by myself through three states and that’s pretty impressive.

Then I remembered that it is in your discomfort and pain that you grow and find a deeper connection to who you are and your purpose. This is something I must have loosely heard or read from Oprah or another motivational speaker in some format. While driving back to my hotel room from The Grand Canyon on my last night after watching the sunset, I thought, maybe I just need to sit in this discomfort and surrender to the pain and see what happens versus trying to control it, manage it, change it, or distract myself from it. Just let the pain sit there and pass through. I can handle it, right? I’ve been through these things before. But it never gets any easier.

Maybe that was the sole purpose of this road trip for me. Not to ease my mind and heart, but to learn how to surrender to the discomfort and pain. Observe my feelings and thoughts. Find inspiration for change. Learn and grow from these uncomfortable feelings. This doesn’t mean wallow in my sadness and stop doing things to feed my heart and soul (well, maybe just for a day or two or even a week). It just means stop placing all my focus on the pain and confusion by trying to find immediate solutions in order to rush through it or resist or avoid feeling it. And just maybe then, the pain will pass through quicker and answers will organically appear to me sooner. This is all just part of the process. You can’t have the good without the bad. The depth and understanding without the hardship. So here it goes, again.