Writer's Block

For the last two months, I’ve been focusing on the writing portion of my cookbook (yes, I’m still working on my never-ending cookbook). I plan to incorporate short memoir stories throughout the book that illustrate the powerful role food plays in my family and, especially in my relationship with my mother. It has been a challenge tapping into that part of myself. Not just the creative part that wants to weave together a beautiful story, but also the part of me that is trying to capture all the emotions from a nostalgic memory.

It has been exhausting. I joined a couple writing groups for support and motivation. After a couple weeks of frustration, I found two groups that I really enjoy and have made some wonderful friendly connections. I think I have created some beautiful stories, which feels so liberating and cathartic. However, I have also learned more about my family history and have been forced to revisit some painful childhood memories. It has been an emotional journey and I feel that I still have more stories to tell.

Although I have been productive the last couple of months, I’ve hit a roadblock this past week and have felt unmotivated. I need to write more but can’t seem to find the right words or be able to access the emotions I want to convey. Inspiration can sometimes be elusive. Maybe I need to switch things up?

I’m actually in a virtual writing group session now and decided to work on this blog post instead of editing my short story. Procrastination at it’s finest. At least, I’m writing thought, right? I’ve gone on several walks this weekend (not because I wanted to but because I’m dog-sitting and had to). I’ve tried opening a bottle of champagne. None of those ideas helped. Maybe I need to go for a drive to pick up tacos for lunch today? Yes, I think that’s a good idea…Maybe that will spark some inspiration.

Update. 3 hours later…

I drove to the Westside to pick up tacos and the taco place was closed. Perhaps, because of the pandemic? Or maybe because it’s Easter Monday? Who knows anymore? I was so disappointed! So then, I decided to drive in the opposite direction to get Korean fried chicken because I needed to get gas for my car and the gas station was in that direction. I really wanted tacos but fried chicken is a good alternative. I’ve been feeling indecisive about food and about life lately and don’t know what I want to eat or cook anymore. Anyway, I came home to eat my fried chicken and I took a picture of it. When I went back to my camera to look at the picture, it wasn’t there. Sometimes my phone camera does that. It’ll will make the clicking sound like you took a picture but then doesn’t save it. Or maybe it’s because I close out of it too soon? I don’t know. But now I don’t have a picture of tacos or wings to accompany this post. So now I’m just posting a picture of me on a walk.

And yes, I know I’m rambling. As you can tell, I’m not in the mood to write but I’m forcing myself to, hoping it will open the flood gates. But it’s really not working. Maybe I need to make myself a martini? Maybe I need to take a break from my project and try to figure out my life? I know that I am priviledged in that I have the luxury to think about pursuing what makes me happy versus working to surivive. This is a completely different concept from that of the previous generation—our parents’ generation. I feel guilty for this sometimes.

Okay. Time to return to procrastinating. Ideas for sparking inspiration welcome!

Happy Hour at My Place!

It’s 3:30pm in the afternoon and I’m making myself an old fashioned cocktail. Is it too early? Nahhhh… I’m sort of procrastinating and sort of doing work and sort of feeling stuck. I took a break and went for a 2 mile walk (to Nordstrom—don’t judge—it’s really not the destination that matters, it’s the step count—about 5,000 steps) thinking that some fresh air would help. And I think it did help a little bit. But I needed something else. Not condoning drinking for inspiration or motivation but every now and then, I think it’s okay.

I got a new computer and finally uploaded all of my pictures that I have taken in the last year and a half of my cooking. There are 1600 pictures!!! I made less than 50 recipes so that’s a huge picture to recipe ratio. I went through all of them and cut them down to about 170. Now I’m going through the 170 and cutting them down further and doing some minor edits. For some reason, this is where I feel a little stuck. Of course, I’m my worst critic. As I’m going through the photos, I’m seeing all the flaws and how I could have styled or staged a certain dish better and debating whether I should try again. UGH. I am having a very heated inner dialogue with myself right now and I’m feeling a little frustrated. I’m questioning myself again. I’m such an amateur. Can I do this? What am I doing? I’ve been in sweatpants for a week straight since I’ve returned from Boston from the holidays and have also not worn make up since then either (until last night when I got invited as a food blogger to a VIP Fried Chicken tasting at a new restaurant—I can muster up the energy to put on make up for fried chicken).

I know I can’t let these doubts stop me from moving forward. So I took a break to write this blurb. Sometimes you just need to let it out of your system, or out of your head, and put your thoughts into words on paper or on a blog. And sometimes you also need to make an old fashioned cocktail. But why stop there? I need gummy bears too.

What do you do for inspiration?