Hello Again!

Oh my goodness. I cannot believe I have not written a blog post since April! It has been awhile. I guess I just needed to take a little time (or a lot of time) for my mental health. After having a breakdown in March/April, it took awhile for me to pick myself up again. It’s not something that happens in a day. Or even a week or a month. There’s not one thing that makes it go away. And sometimes the things that have worked before don’t work anymore. It’s a process. A journey.

Since I have last written, there have been a few things that I have done to get myself back to a better place. I indulged and splurged on a spa day at the Belair Hotel with a couple friends. It was so lovely. The massage was wonderful and so were the amenites that came with it. Before and after your massage, you can relax in their lounge room or patio with tea or champagne and snacks. We lunched al fresco at the Wolfgang Puck restaurant at the hotel afterwards. The Belair Hotel feels like a little retreat away from the city because of the pond and lush greens that surround it. I definitely want to do this again and should probably do it more often.

I joined an Empowered Women’s Group that meets weekly. It comforting to be a part of a group that is committed to self-improvement and self-development and is also supportive and compassionate. I went on a weekend trip to Palm Springs with a friend and indulged in the accommodations and really good restaurants. I started checking off LA restaurants, concerts, and activities that were on my to-do/explore list. I read a new book called What Happened to You? that is partly written by Oprah. It explores the effects of trauma. I did some light exercises. All of this slowly brought me some joy. And it felt good to feel good again.

I had also returned to Boston in May to see my mother. I was really nervous about that trip because I just wasn’t sure I could handle the emotions, stress, and everything involved in her recovery after having had such a hard time in February and March, which led to the my breakdown. She seemed better though. Not the same, but I witnessed small glimpses of her old self and that gave me some relief.

Then in July, I got Covid. Most likely the BA.5 variant and it hit me hard. Fever of 102 for 3 days. Achiness, strained voice, sore throat, lack of appetite, and fatigue for 3 weeks. After quarantining for 10 days, I still had low energy and sounded horrible. To be isolated for that long, alone, while physically suffering really made me regress. People talk about the physical effects of Covid all the time but I was not prepared for what it did to me mentally. It was lonely, isolating, depressing, and took me to a dark, negative place again. The only positive that came out of Covid for me was that I was so bored that I learned how to solve a Rubik’s cube. This had been on my to-do list after seeing my stepdad do it. It’s a more spiritual experience than one may think. Solving the cube involves creativity, patience, pushing through resistance, taking a few steps back to move forward, taking many steps that don’t make sense in the moment but make sense later, feeling like you aren’t progressing but you know that you are, problem solving in different scenarios, and focusing on just the next step instead of being overwhelmed by the entire problem at once. It’s a good distraction and does take your mind off things momentarily.

So now, I’m back there again. Trying to pick myself up. Today is the first day that my voice feels almost back to normal but I still feel like I have something in my throat. Progress! I just returned from a weekend in Colorado for a bachelorette party, which I probably shouldn’t have gone to in the first place because even though I was Covid negative, I still wasn’t feeling my best yet. So now, I’m completely worn out and my introverted self needs some alone time. I think I need to take myself out on a solo date this weekend and do some things that might bring me joy. I’m a tortured introvert though—I want alone time but then I feel lonely and also want to be social. It’s an ongoing inner conflict. Can anyone relate?

Ok I need to write more often. Hopefully, you will get some positive updates from me soon or at the very least, new recipes!

Recovery

Sometimes you need to break down to build up and heal. It has been the worst last two months. With everything that happened with my mom, life has been so stressful. Now that she’s home from the hospital and on the mend, and I’m back in LA, I thought the pressure that had been building up inside of me was going to subside. But it didn’t. It continued to build and build and there was no escape.

And then last week, I felt like I was going to explode and have a mental break down. I didn’t know what to do. I felt backed into a corner and I just wanted the pain to go away. Upon my return to LA, I had overbooked myself with brand and restaurant partnerships, along with my regular consulting work, on top of checking in on my mother multiple times a day, joining her doctor appointment calls, and coordinating appointments for her medical care. It was all too much after already an extremely heavy and stressful last five weeks. It felt never ending, like there was no break, no end in sight. This was just my life. And I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I decided I needed a day off of all responsibilities. I couldn’t even handle receiving text messages, let alone responding to them. I couldn’t handle looking at social media. I couldn’t focus on work. I couldn’t function period. Every little thing felt like extra weight on my back and I was about to break. So I took a Friday sick/mental health day, hoping that it would solve my problems. But I didn’t utilize it to do anything that would bring me joy or provide a release. I wanted to do something with my day, but I just couldn’t make a decision, function properly, or process anything. I wanted to get a massage but I couldn’t figure out where and the masseuse I liked wasn’t available. I wanted to go on a hike but I couldn’t get myself off my couch and out of the apartment. Then I felt annoyed with myself for not making use of my sick day to do anything that would bring me joy. One day off did not fix my problems overnight or bring me any sort of comfort like I thought it would.

That weekend, I did my own nails, which I hadn’t done in two months. I got a haircut the next day, which I hadn’t done in over a year. My hair stylist moved out of town and I was forced to try a new person at the salon. Even though he cut off some dead weight, he did not give me the cut I wanted. Beauty treatments didn’t work to lift my spirits either.

And I really didn’t do much else with the weekend that followed my sick day. Maybe I just needed to ride out the wave of negative emotions. Then this week, things slowed down. My various work commitments decreased and there were no doctor appointments for Mom this week. I also didn’t check in with her as much. I have to remind myself that she will be okay even if I don’t check in with her three times a day. I’ve been my mother’s main caregiver for the last five weeks straight and I had seen her everyday during her hospitalization. It was hard for me to leave Boston. It was hard for me to leave her. I think a part of me has still been scared and worried about her so it has been difficult for me to let go of all the responsibilities of caregiving and not check in with her multiple times a day. This has been at the added expense of me not taking care of myself though. But she’ll be okay, even if I’m not available for every moment in her continued recovery. Even if I don’t know what she’s eating for every single meal. Maybe there aren’t any quick and easy fixes right now, but reducing some of the commitments in all areas of my life, including my mother’s care, helped relieve some of the pressure. Hopefully, this will create space for me to be able to receive and feel joy again from some of my usual acts of self-care. This will be my first weekend back in LA without any sort of work commitments. I finally have an appointment with the masseuse I like this coming Sunday. I had been wanting to get a massage for months. I think I will try to go on a solo hike tomorrow to get out in nature and clear my head. Maybe I’ll even make myself something good to eat. I’m inviting joy back into my life again. And I am ready to receive.