Writer's Block

For the last two months, I’ve been focusing on the writing portion of my cookbook (yes, I’m still working on my never-ending cookbook). I plan to incorporate short memoir stories throughout the book that illustrate the powerful role food plays in my family and, especially in my relationship with my mother. It has been a challenge tapping into that part of myself. Not just the creative part that wants to weave together a beautiful story, but also the part of me that is trying to capture all the emotions from a nostalgic memory.

It has been exhausting. I joined a couple writing groups for support and motivation. After a couple weeks of frustration, I found two groups that I really enjoy and have made some wonderful friendly connections. I think I have created some beautiful stories, which feels so liberating and cathartic. However, I have also learned more about my family history and have been forced to revisit some painful childhood memories. It has been an emotional journey and I feel that I still have more stories to tell.

Although I have been productive the last couple of months, I’ve hit a roadblock this past week and have felt unmotivated. I need to write more but can’t seem to find the right words or be able to access the emotions I want to convey. Inspiration can sometimes be elusive. Maybe I need to switch things up?

I’m actually in a virtual writing group session now and decided to work on this blog post instead of editing my short story. Procrastination at it’s finest. At least, I’m writing thought, right? I’ve gone on several walks this weekend (not because I wanted to but because I’m dog-sitting and had to). I’ve tried opening a bottle of champagne. None of those ideas helped. Maybe I need to go for a drive to pick up tacos for lunch today? Yes, I think that’s a good idea…Maybe that will spark some inspiration.

Update. 3 hours later…

I drove to the Westside to pick up tacos and the taco place was closed. Perhaps, because of the pandemic? Or maybe because it’s Easter Monday? Who knows anymore? I was so disappointed! So then, I decided to drive in the opposite direction to get Korean fried chicken because I needed to get gas for my car and the gas station was in that direction. I really wanted tacos but fried chicken is a good alternative. I’ve been feeling indecisive about food and about life lately and don’t know what I want to eat or cook anymore. Anyway, I came home to eat my fried chicken and I took a picture of it. When I went back to my camera to look at the picture, it wasn’t there. Sometimes my phone camera does that. It’ll will make the clicking sound like you took a picture but then doesn’t save it. Or maybe it’s because I close out of it too soon? I don’t know. But now I don’t have a picture of tacos or wings to accompany this post. So now I’m just posting a picture of me on a walk.

And yes, I know I’m rambling. As you can tell, I’m not in the mood to write but I’m forcing myself to, hoping it will open the flood gates. But it’s really not working. Maybe I need to make myself a martini? Maybe I need to take a break from my project and try to figure out my life? I know that I am priviledged in that I have the luxury to think about pursuing what makes me happy versus working to surivive. This is a completely different concept from that of the previous generation—our parents’ generation. I feel guilty for this sometimes.

Okay. Time to return to procrastinating. Ideas for sparking inspiration welcome!

New Year, New Challenges, More Recipes

In my last post, I wrote about how in February, I challenged myself to work every single day of the month, including weekends, sticking to a strict schedule. I stuck to the promise I made to myself and survived February! How do I feel? I feel pretty damn proud of myself! I tackled some pretty tough recipes and it was a lot of work! I have no idea how my mom was able to make some of these complex dishes as a single, working mother of 3 young girls. I also don’t know how she remembers the ingredients in all of these dishes. It’s so easy to confuse similar recipes. Good thing I’m documenting everything and creating a cookbook! I hope my sisters and my cousins appreciate all of this!

Even though February has ended, I’m still committed to working everyday. I mean, I need to. I want to. And I don’t really have a stable income. I need to keep it moving. After a month of working long hours every single day and all weekend, my body was starting to feel low on fuel. I felt so drained and tired. This month, I have tried to loosen the grip a little bit and have taken more breaks to rest. It’s hard to feel inspired and productive if you’re exhausted and overworked. I have to allow myself time to re-energize.

There are a few different things I’m trying to jump start at the moment. After 12+ years in the corporate world of the fashion industry, I want something different. I want flexibility. I have different passions and want to be able to do it all. In my experience with a corporate job that is unrelated to my other passions, it is difficult to find time to do anything else. I want to see if there’s a way I can pursue consulting on a part-time basis, which means I need to look for a client and reach out to recruiters, hiring managers, and others in my network. I also want to finish this cookbook and try to get it published. This means I need a publisher and I need to send out query letters to literary agents. Plus, I don’t know anything about publishing. I definitely have a lot of research I need to do. If all that fails, then I will need to look into self publishing. I also enjoy food styling, food photography, and sharing my journey of creating this cookbook on my Instagram. I completed my first collaboration for a brand recently (photos shown above). Food styling is so much fun! I have been getting invited to media night events as a blogger also. I’d love to connect with other brands for partnerships. This means contacting brands, creating a media kit, and sending out pitch emails.

To sum it all up, I’m searching for a new client for consulting, a literary agent, and a brand partnership while I’m cooking and writing for my cookbook. On top of all that, I’m also looking for a life partner. It’s a lot, huh?! But I think I can do it all! Hoping to at least finish all of the cooking by the end of this month. I’ve been attending various types of networking events to brainstorm with others and that has been helpful. Lets go March!

If you have any advice, suggestions, or encouraging words on the above, please send them my way!

P.S. I’ve gotten sick of eating so much of my own food. I need new non-Asian recipes. Help! Something fun and easy.

Time to Get Cookin' Again

After spending the month of January mainly combing through my photos and recipes (and also distracting myself with organizing my apartment the Marie-Kondo way), I made a list of outstanding recipes that I need to finally attempt to make or redo. This month of February has been nonstop cooking and recipe tweaking.

I’ve decided that I needed to kick my own ass into high gear. Maybe I’m being hard on myself but I really feel like I slacked off in January. In the past, I’ve worked hard (late hours, skipped meals, no breaks) for other companies when I was accountable to someone else. Why can’t I work just as hard, if not harder, for myself and hold myself accountable? It’s easy to make up excuses for yourself. This month, I decided I have no excuses. I’ve taken time off of working, walking away from a full-time salary in the fashion industry to pursue this passion project of creating a cookbook based on my mom’s Cambodian recipes. I can’t just allow myself to dilly dally while being unemployed. This is not a vacation.

So I have set up some rules for myself this month. No TV during the day. If I need to stop working to eat, then I need to be on my phone, working on expanding my Love in My Belly Instagram following and/or creating new content to share. If I need to take a break, then I have the option of doing squats, crunches, or I can go for a walk. If I need to mix things up, I can write a blog post (like right now) or work on writing some stories for the cookbook. I need to work nights and weekends even if I have social plans (which I really have not had a lot of lately). No feeling sorry for myself for not being social. Work instead, and be proud of what I have accomplished that day for my passion project.

As a result of these new rules for myself, I’ve worked every day for the last 3 weeks. I have also been juggling some fashion consulting Excel projects on the side. I’m exhausted. I have been having back spasms too. I think it may be from running around, sitting at my dining table all day, and probably stress. I think I’ve gotten a little loopy as well. I’ve done some strange things like leave my keys in my door knob, left the oven on all night, and put a baking sheet lined with aluminum foil in the oven without the frozen pizza. Maybe taking a day off would be helpful. I went from one extreme to the next. I don’t want to lose my momentum. I’m committed to working every day for the month of February and I’m going to stick to it. However, maybe I can still honor my commitment while also being kinder to my body and allow myself some longer breaks. This afternoon I have an appointment for a body massage, which I’m pretty excited about. I normally don’t indulge in those types of treats very often but these back spasms have been quite uncomfortable.

It has definitely been a productive month so far—running around to 5 different grocery stores sometimes in 1 day, making a mess in my tiny kitchen, lots of dishes, calls with my mom (sometimes 3-5 times a day to walk through recipes), taking photos on my balcony (and sometimes fighting with a squirrel that sometimes creeps up on me during my photo shoots), editing photos, editing recipes, writing new recipes, searching for new props, working on consulting projects, growing my Instagram, learning how to create my first media kit, etc etc. And you know what? I worked hard and I actually feel like I worked hard and that I am deserving of saying that about myself. I didn’t feel that way about myself in January at all. I am proud of the new recipes I tried this month. Some of them were really difficult and I need to redo them still but the fact is, I did them. I didn’t resist. I didn’t make up excuses. I just made them. I ignored feelings of doubt and discouragement that would sometimes creep into my thoughts, and just did it, even if I was feeling lazy or tired. Some of the dishes didn’t come out exactly right, which can be frustrating. That’s okay though because each trial and error is one step closer to the final product. I will get there.

Happy Hour at My Place!

It’s 3:30pm in the afternoon and I’m making myself an old fashioned cocktail. Is it too early? Nahhhh… I’m sort of procrastinating and sort of doing work and sort of feeling stuck. I took a break and went for a 2 mile walk (to Nordstrom—don’t judge—it’s really not the destination that matters, it’s the step count—about 5,000 steps) thinking that some fresh air would help. And I think it did help a little bit. But I needed something else. Not condoning drinking for inspiration or motivation but every now and then, I think it’s okay.

I got a new computer and finally uploaded all of my pictures that I have taken in the last year and a half of my cooking. There are 1600 pictures!!! I made less than 50 recipes so that’s a huge picture to recipe ratio. I went through all of them and cut them down to about 170. Now I’m going through the 170 and cutting them down further and doing some minor edits. For some reason, this is where I feel a little stuck. Of course, I’m my worst critic. As I’m going through the photos, I’m seeing all the flaws and how I could have styled or staged a certain dish better and debating whether I should try again. UGH. I am having a very heated inner dialogue with myself right now and I’m feeling a little frustrated. I’m questioning myself again. I’m such an amateur. Can I do this? What am I doing? I’ve been in sweatpants for a week straight since I’ve returned from Boston from the holidays and have also not worn make up since then either (until last night when I got invited as a food blogger to a VIP Fried Chicken tasting at a new restaurant—I can muster up the energy to put on make up for fried chicken).

I know I can’t let these doubts stop me from moving forward. So I took a break to write this blurb. Sometimes you just need to let it out of your system, or out of your head, and put your thoughts into words on paper or on a blog. And sometimes you also need to make an old fashioned cocktail. But why stop there? I need gummy bears too.

What do you do for inspiration?