Boston Trip, Food, and Random Thoughts

So August came and went and somehow we’re in October already! I spent most of August trying to pick myself back up again post-Covid isolation. Being social helped bit by bit. I even did some retail therapy and ya know what? It worked! Lol. I hadn’t really shopped all year but treating myself to some new outfits, expensive French perfume, and a fancy facial made me feel brand new again.

I went back to Boston to visit Mom for a bit in early September. While in Boston, I had the best food! As I always do. Had so many oysters! Mom always liked oysters but even more so now because after her injury, they go down her throat more easily than other foods. She still struggles with her appetite as a result of her brain injury and hospitalization. So I’ve been taking Mom and my stepdad out for oysters and cocktails and now I enjoy it even more myself because it makes her happy and that makes me happy. My parents aren’t really motivated to go out to nice places and explore on their own so it’s sort of up to me to help bring them joy because they don’t know how to do it on their own (not that I want that responsbility, I struggle a lot with it myself). They’ve worked so hard their entire lives and have survived so much hardship. They don’t know how to indulge, enjoy life, and have fun or seek joy. How could they? It’s something I have had to learn myself. Not that I’m an expert but my generation is more open to self-care, community, open dialogue, and reaching out for support for mental health than my parents’ generation. I also cooked for my parents while I was home. I made them some dishes they have never had before like my Steak with Colombian Aji Sauce, Coconut Turmeric Chicken Soup and my Mushroom Marsala. And I couldn’t leave Boston without making Mom my version of Cambodian Kuyteav Noodle Soup.

The sun is setting earlier and it’s getting dark sooner. This time of year always starts to make me feel sad, as endings usually do. I must have inherited this from my mother. She feels this way around this time of year in the east coast, when the cooler breeze floats through her windows and she can hear the sound of crickets from her garden. And my year is almost over as my birthday is in November. As with every birthday in the last few years, I have to plan some type of trip to give myself something to look forward to. So guess where I’m going this year? To Panama! I’m going to be attending a wellness yoga retreat at an eco-friendly holistic luxury beachfront resort situated away from the main civiliation on Panama’s coast. I’m VERY excited to get away and participate in this wellness journey. This year has been tough and I could use all the healing I can get!

Upwards and onwards.

The Parents are in Town!

Since I moved back to Los Angeles after my two-year stint living in Hong Kong, my parents have not visited me and it has been almost a decade! This past Labor Day weekend, my mother and stepfather finally came to town, and everything that could go wrong went wrong. No running water, racist attack, and my car died in the middle of Hollywood—all within the first two days of their visit.

A water pipe on my street burst the night before my parents’ arrival and I had no running water for 20 hours! The workers from the LA Department of Water and Power were up all night attempting to fix the issue with no idea when the problem would be fixed. When my parents arrived the next day, I couldn’t bring them home after their long flight because we couldn’t use the toilet, wash our hands, or cook. It’s so easy to take for granted the luxury of running water! I took them to lunch at Din Tai Fung for Taiwanese food and then walked around Century City Mall. After a couple hours, we decided to come home with the game plan of walking to a nearby cafe to hang out when any of us needed to use the bathroom. When we got home, the water still was not fixed. My parents wanted to relax after their plane ride and did not want to have to go out again so we were all hesitant to hydrate. Fortunately after a couple more hours, the water came back on before we had to venture out to find a toilet! Hallelujah! Thank goodness I showered and washed my hair the night before.

On their first night in LA, I took them to one of my old favorite restaurants, Tar & Roses, in Santa Monica. I hadn’t been in 2 years and was excited to be able to share the experience with them. I don’t go out to eat that often anymore because I’m finding that the quality and service has changed a lot since the pandemic and I’m usually disappointed. Of course, it’s even more difficult to impress my parents. They are accustomed to delicious seafood in Boston. The restaurant scene in Boston is amazing, unpretentious, less expensive, and always reliable wherever you go. And the pandemic has not changed that. When I was there recently this past May, I found myself impressed by every single meal I ate out at a restaurant.

And then after dinner, we were victims of a verbal racist attack. As we walked back to my car on Santa Monica Blvd and 5th, a white man pulled at his eyes and yelled, “Hey, hey, you Ch*nk family!” Fortunately, my parents didn’t understand what happened. They didn’t understand what the man said or did. But I understood and my blood boiled. I yelled obscenities at him as he walked away. I explained what happened to my parents and they weren’t upset. Or maybe they were and just didn’t show it. They were probably used to internalizing it. But I don’t want this to be something anyone has to “get used to.” My parents survived a genocide and came to America as refugees searching for a better life and it seems like not much has changed since their early days in this country. My mother has already been through so much in this life and I was so upset that she had to experience racism in LA on her first night visiting me.

The incident was triggering. Made me think of the years of microaggressions and acts of racism that I have experienced my entire life. When someone makes you feel less than one day, sure, maybe you can shrug it off. But how about if someone makes you feel less than every day. Or maybe once a week, once a month. Then multiply that by every year you have lived. And now imagine it’s not just one person making you feel less than all those years. It’s someone at work. Someone at school. Someone at the grocery store. Someone off the street. It’s your neighbor. It’s someone in your friend group. It’s not one person you can avoid. Not one incident. It’s everywhere. Throughout different stages of your life. Happening again and again. What does that do to your mental health over time? What does that do to your sense of worth?

Going into the weekend, I was already feeling fragile with some other things going on in my life and also with everything happening in Afghanistan, which is a reminder of what happened to my parents in Cambodia with the genocide. It’s so sad and upsetting. During the early days of the pandemic, I went on walks often to get out of the house. Then I stopped when the violence against Asian Americans, and particularly the Asian elderly, increased. Only in the last couple months, I had been feeling comfortable enough to go on walks again and then this happened. It’s not something I could just easily shake off.

The next day, I took my parents for a Thai lunch at Hoy Ka in Hollywood. When we walked back to my car afterwards, my car wouldn’t start. I had to call for a tow truck and learned that my car battery was dead. Got a jump start and had to spend our afternoon at Pep Boys waiting to get my battery replaced. This was the 3rd thing that went wrong that weekend. I tried as hard as I could to put on a face so that I wouldn’t worry my parents, but the truth is, I felt so beaten down. I’m sure they noticed. I had no appetite. I couldn’t eat. When we came home, I saged the apartment. My mother superstitiously threw rice and salt over my balcony and did a short prayer with insence. Leading up to my parents’ visit, I had already been stressed for weeks with work and it had been on my mind all weekend. That next day, I collapsed onto my bed and napped for two hours. I never nap but I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and my body couldn’t hold it in anymore. You can try to act like everything is okay, but your body doesn’t lie. Everything was not okay.

People say things happen in threes. That was it for us that weekend—the broken water pipe, the racist attack, and my dead car battery. We spent the rest of their time in LA cooking, eating, and visiting the Venice Canals and the beach. I’m glad my parents visited me but I’m sure it wasn’t the best trip for them. After I dropped them off at the airport, I felt a huge weight lifted from me. I no longer felt pressure to pretend that everything was okay. I felt like I could sort through all my complicated emotions and thoughts without having to fake it. I felt like I was finally allowed to be exhausted and not have to worry about how that was perceived or how it would affect anyone else.

That same week after much contemplation, I decided to part ways with a client. I realized it was not a good fit for me and it had been negatively affecting my mental health for weeks. Sometimes you have to walk away and let go of things that don’t serve you, as hard as it may be. When I made the decision, I came home and napped for two hours! The next day, I napped again. I’ve never napped so much in ONE week! My body was mentally and emotionally drained. And it took me about 5 days to recover. I am just starting to feel like myself again. I’m slowly coming back to life.

It’s ironic that my last post was about feeling good. As easily and quickly as things can go well, things can all come crashing down at once as well. You have to take the good with the bad. Things can change and turn around in a second. But all experiences are learning experiences and we can’t have one without the other.

I would love to add some new recipes to the blog soon. But for now, I need to take care of my mental health, listen to my body, and give myself a break. In the meantime, check out my Instagram for all the yummy food we ate during my parents’ visit!

Happy 2021!

Happy NEW Year! I had been meaning to check in on the blog but then chaos ensued after only a few days into the new year. The riots at the Capitol were so upsetting. I had a lot of feelings and needed some time to process. I’m deeply saddened by the acts of ignorance, hate, racism, and white supremacy in our country. I can’t help but feel a little scared and nervous about the future with everything happening right now. While I think that having new leadership will help, as a country, we still have a long way to go and so much to learn.

Here in Los Angeles, we are still in a lockdown. I survived the holidays. It was a little lonely and isolating but I bounced back quicker than I thought I would. People all around me are still traveling and seeing their friends and carrying on as normal (or close to normal) and I’m wondering if I should be doing the same? I haven’t seen my family in a year and a half. I haven’t been on a plane in a year. I do see people occasionally for social distant hangs, walks, and hikes but probably not as regularly as I should to maintain my mental health.

I was starting to feel the isolation creeping in on me again as we entered the new year. So then last weekend, I made plans for 2 back to back hangs, 2 days in a row. One was a challenging 4 mile uphill hike to Sandstone Peak in Malibu and the other was a 5 mile walk along Zuma Beach in Malibu. I had also hiked 3 times that week leading up to the weekend and had a few back to back FaceTime calls the Friday night prior. That following Monday, I was completely exhausted and as a result, was not as productive as I had wanted to be. Plus, my body was completely sore from all the hiking and exercise. By Tuesday morning, I still had not recovered. I woke up with an allergy attack and was basically incapacitated on the couch for the whole day. My body did not like all of that action! As an introvert, too much social activity can be draining but now, in a pandemic, after becoming accustomed to quarantine and isolation, I must have hit a whole new level of social exhaustion combined with too much physical ventures. Anyway, because of that setback, I worked all of this weekend on my cookbook to catch up with the time that I lost during the week.

With my consulting at a halt at the moment due to my project ending last November, I finally have the time to refocus on my cookbook. It was hard to transition back to a creative and entrepreneurial mindset and schedule though. It took a couple of weeks of resistance in December before I found the momentum to get going again. In the last year, it was not possible for me to work on the cookbook while also juggling full-time consulting work, brand partnerships, content creation, and my blog. I believe this break from consulting is a blessing in disguise because now I can commit my time to the cookbook again. My passion project requires more energy. Creativity for me requires more energy. I notice that when there is too much space and time between each piece of the cookbook that I work on, it then reflects in my work. The quality, depth, connection, and flow suffer. I’ll forget why I wrote something or how I made a dish.

Since mid-December, I’ve been FaceTiming with my mom several days a week to discuss my recipes, photos, Khmer translations, ideas, and facts about our history. I’m going back through all my recipes and editing the writing, reorganizing the flow, and deciding which ones I need to reshoot. Even though I devoted the entire 2019 to cooking most of the recipes in the book (and thought I was almost done), I’ve just added more new recipes to my list and I still have desserts that I need to make. And I’d like to add more stories. I still have a lot to do and it has been so exhausting. One evening, I spoke with my mom for 2 hours just about herbs! HERBS! Each of our calls last 2 hours. There’s so much detail to go through and understand. But I know I can do it!

Last week, on a call with a new therapist, she asked me what I do for fun after I had updated her on all the things I’ve been working on and all the emotions I had been feeling. Her question made me pause and think. I had been spending all my time working on the cookbook, FaceTiming with my mom or sister to brainstorm about contents of the cookbook, going to virtual therapy, and attending virtual support groups. Basically, all my time had been devoted to either my cookbook or my mental health. It has been awhile since I’ve dedicated a day or even a few hours to doing something that brings me joy. I was diligent about allocating one day a week to joy last summer and I did do a couple road trips in November that brought me some joy. But I hadn’t really incorporated joy into part of my everyday life recently. I’ve kind of lost my balance again. And that’s okay. It happens. It’s hard to maintain balance all the time.

So this coming week, I’m going to be thinking about some new ways to spark joy for me and try to incorporate it more regularly into my life. I also think that we all need to show ourselves a little compassion and grace for just surviving everything that is happening in the world right now. It’s a lot. In the meantime, I hope you find some way to bring a little bit of joy into your life as well. And if you have ideas, please comment on this post and share! I’d love to hear!

Happy November!

Ok, so if you’ve read my previous blog post, you know that I’m experiencing a transition in my life and that I’m trying to embrace all of the feelings that come with it—both the good and the bad. How is it going? Well, I’m on my third glass of wine tonight. This is the first week I’ve fully had time to sit in my feelings and you know what? I don’t really like it! LOL.

The first week after my year long contract with a client ended in October, I went on a road trip. The second week was a very stressful week with the election (very happy with the results even though it took 5 emotional days to find out!) plus I was called back to work for a couple days with my previous client This week, I haven’t had any distraction. No paid work and no road trips. Just me, myself, and I. I’ve been very productive personally though. I’ve done some purging by cleaning and organizing my apartment, running errands, and making calls to customer service to fix things. Errands, tasks, and cleaning take up so much time. I don’t know how people get any of these things done with a full-time job. If I didn’t have free time this week, these items would still be on my to-do list.

It’s very lonely not having to interact with people through work, even if it is via zoom nowadays with the pandemic. The pandemic has really exacerbated the situation because of social distancing and not being able to travel freely during my time off as I would normally. I don’t know how I did this last year. Last year, I devoted most of the year, after quiting my job, to working on my cookbook. I was very determined and spent the first 6 months of last year cooking everyday with very little social interaction and very minimal consulting work. And all of that was self-imposed. Now, it has only been a week and I’m already uncomfortable. How did I survive last year?

I’m trying to surrender to the discomfort while still moving forward. I finished two new books this month—The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck and Psychopath Free (recommended by my therapist). I enjoyed The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck. It preaches embracing your problems because they provide opportunities to improve. It also discusses toxic positivity, which is something I can definitely relate to. I feel like the toxic positivity thought process is popular right now (and also super annoying), especially in Los Angeles. Having feelings and discussing and working through your problems are human and all parts of the healing process. But people sometimes get uncomfortable hearing about your problems and want to solve it or spin it into a positive immediately. Before sweeping everything under the rug through phrases like, “sending you love and light,” “good vibes only,” “try to be positive,” or “let’s try to reframe that,” take a minute to acknowledge the shitty problem and the negative (real and human) feelings that accompany it. Those “negative” feelings are helpful in catapulting you into changing a shitty situation into a better situation. If everything was happy all the time, then we would never change. All emotions need to be felt and explored in order for you to learn more about yourself, heal, and move forward.

Anyway, that’s my two cents for now. Thought it would be helpful to publicly journal [blog] while I’m in my state of discomfort.

The End of Summer 2020

We are in the middle of a heatwave in Los Angeles right now. It’s the end of August and also the end of the summer of 2020. What a year it has been! We are still in the midst of an on-going pandemic, which I don’t think anyone expected to last this long. The pandemic has forever changed our lives in so many ways.

Like many of you, I resisted the reality of the pandemic when Covid first took over the world. I thought it would be temporary. I was caught up in the initial shock and hysteria. I was annoyed by the inconvenience of long lines at the grocery stores, sold out supplies, business closures, and the lockdown. I was sad for the people who got sick, the kids who couldn’t go to school, and the people who lost their jobs. I was worried about the future of our economy. But other than that, I really wasn’t ready to look beyond the surface. And yet, it still felt like the world was ending because globally, we have never experienced anything like this before in our modern world that is dependent upon instant gratification, technology, endless options, and distractions.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. Up until the pandemic hit, I was working so much—balancing three clients, working day and night and weekends, in addition to managing my social media and blog, testing out recipes, and creating content. On top of all of that, I was in a relationship that drained whatever energy I had left. I was burnt out. I lost sight of the things that brought me happiness. I stopped making time for me.

But then at the start of the pandemic, my relationship ended and my work focus shifted to one client. I still continued blogging and creating content but I had more time on my hands with the lockdown and social distancing. I distracted myself with practicing ukelele, Marie-Condo-ing my closet, trying new recipes, reading, baking nutella swirl banana bread, joining Instagram Live Yoga Sculpt classes, and going on long walks. For awhile, these distractions worked. Then after a couple of months of lockdown and limited exposure to the outside world, I was spending a lot of time in my own thoughts and starting to feel very alone and isolated. I felt disconnected from my friends and family. Old traumas were triggered and I became depressed. My world seemed foggy. I lost touch with myself and I didn’t know what to do to pull myself out of the darkness.

It was a rough journey at the beginning. I was forced to grow in ways I didn’t expect. I always think I’m done growing, that I know myself, that I’ve learned everything that I’ve needed to learn, and that I’ve resolved all my past issues. The truth is, that job is never done. We are constantly faced with challenges and lessons throughout our lives and the year of 2020 is no different. As Oprah says, life is a master class and we are the students. We are tested over and over again, in different ways. And there is not one same solution.

I had to relearn how to create happiness and joy for myself in new, small and simple ways. I had to stop worrying and planning for a future that is now even more uncertain than ever. Healing really forces you to focus on the present moment and take life day by day. It does not happen overnight and does not result from making one change. Healing is a combination of many things, that together, propel you forward. I joined a support group. I started reaching out to more people, to create a community for myself with social distant walks or picnics. I set boundaries with work and committed to taking summer Fridays off to do something for myself that brings me joy, whether it meant creating new content by testing out new recipes or taking myself out for a solo lunch date or spending the day at the beach. Somehow, over the course of July, I felt so much better.

I’m an introvert at heart and I’m always searching for a connection with everyone I meet. However, I don’t always find it with people and it’s even harder to find it during a pandemic. Plus, I live in Los Angeles. I don’t think it’s crazy for me to say that it’s really hard to find a connection with people here. But this summer has taught me to reconnect with myself. And as a result, I’m learning how to reconnect with the world again. Not every connection has to be a soulful, deep connection. I think I always have that expectation of people, which would leave me feeling disappointed in the past. Now, I’m accepting the fact that some connections are small connections, but even small connections matter, especially during a global crisis.

I’m such a nerd at heart. Even my approach to mental health is nerdy. I takes notes of things that come up during the week as I engage with the world, interact with people, listen to podcasts, and participate in support group. Then I discuss these topics during my therapy sessions. I’m doing my homework. I’m working on me. It’s not always easy to do but it definitely pays off. I was so upset and depressed during the first four months of the pandemic. But these last two months of summer, I have felt so much stronger emotionally. I’ve learned so much about myself and I’m proud of my growth.

Surprisingly, I’ve had a good summer. I’ve gone to the beach more this summer than I have ever before. I’ve seen schools of dolphins almost every time I’ve visited the beach. I’ve had lovely picnics and hangouts in the park. I’ve reconnected with nature. I’ve befriended my neighbors. I made a new romantic connection. I’ve had the best birria tacos from a food truck in Echo Park. I’ve partnered with some new brands to create some fun collaborations. I’ve spent more time enjoying sunsets on my rooftop.

Now it’s the end of August and the end of summer and I can honestly say that I feel happy right now. Happy! Imagine that! Happy during a pandemic and global crisis! I’m going to try to hold onto this feeling for as long as I can because nothing in life is constant. The pandemic has really forced me to enjoy the moment, slow down, and be more present. As hard as it has been, I am so grateful for all my lessons this year.

Can We Talk About Mental Health?

Mental health is so important. Especially now, when the world seems to be falling apart and the near future looks bleak and uncertain.  No one is exempt from the many effects of Covid. Life feels so confusing. Any struggles that existed for you pre-pandemic are probably amplified right now, forcing you to confront your deepest fears and inner demons. We all have them. It’s not easy.

I am grateful that I found a new therapist just before the pandemic started, who I continue to see via Zoom. This year has been tough and it has triggered a lot of trauma, which paired w the pandemic, has made me feel even more isolated and alone. After sitting with that pain for a little bit (not wallowing but exploring those feelings, triggers, and root causes), I knew I needed to do something about it. Therapy helps, but I needed something more.

So I joined a support group. I would have never thought to do this had the pandemic not happened. It’s so easy to dismiss your feelings and distract yourself with the chaos of life when the world is running as normal. And not so easy to do, when you’re mostly confined to the four walls of your home. A lot of us avoid painful emotions or trauma because it’s uncomfortable. And we don’t like to be uncomfortable. But outside the boundaries of our comfort zone is where we grow.

I had only told one other person about joining a support group. Today, I decided to share this because I believe it’s important to talk about. It’s part of human nature to crave connection and community, and to desire to be seen and understood. Sometimes, that’s not always available with the network you have. Not everyone has the capacity to be there for you in the ways that you may need. But don’t let that discourage you from finding other resources. I’m happy I did. It has only been a few weeks, but I’m so grateful that I found a support group that I can identify with. We aren’t meant to live in this world alone. We don’t have to do everything on our own.

Like many of you, I’m healing old broken wounds. I’m falling apart so that I can rebuild myself, better than before. I’m learning how to take care of ALL of me. It’s part of growth and healing. It’s part of this journey we are all on together.

It is important to remember that social media is an edited, filtered, curated, and often staged highlight reel of life. It’s not reality. Anyone can smile quickly for a photo. Remember to take care of your mind, body, and spirit.

Hi.

It is now month 3 of quarantine and social distancing. I cannot even believe it. When the lockdown first started, they said it was only going to be 2 weeks of quarantine. Even then, I thought, 2 weeks?! I can’t do 2 weeks! And now we are in month 3! It’s almost June already! This is all so crazy. They have opened up hiking trails, beaches, and parks finally, which makes things a little bit better I guess. But still, now what?

During this whole process, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs… mostly downs. It started out rough, then I adjusted to (or got used to) this new life and felt better. But then after the lockdown end-date kept getting pushed back, I fell back into a slump. On the first official day of lockdown, I had my first anxiety attacked. About a week ago after 2 months of lockdown, I had a breakdown that lasted for about a week. I couldn’t stop crying. Everything set me off. It was hard to pull myself out of it. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t trying. I definitely put an effort into trying to change my mindset. I resorted to my usual comforts—taking walks, cooking, baking, working, listening to spiritual podcasts, hiking, talking to people, drinking, meditating—but nothing made me feel better. Plus, everyone is struggling right now and preoccupied with their own challenges, so I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone helped.

When I feel this way, I get annoyed with people’s attempts to be uplifting with their excessive positivity and gratitude messages. Like you can’t just get rid of depression by thinking positively. I practice positivity and gratitude when I can, and I do appreciate positive, grateful, and kind people, but I also think it’s important to acknowledge the shit that sometimes happens in life. It’s okay to have a shit day or a shit week. Let me have that moment versus burying it. Let me explore what’s triggering those feelings and where those feelings are coming from. I’m not encouraging negativity or marinating in your unhappy thoughts. I just don’t think that because you practice positivity and gratitude, your problems are going to magically go away. It’s okay to not feel okay all the time, as long as you at least try to practice positive habits. Hopefully, things will get better with time. And if not, thank goodness for Zoom calls with therapists!

Fortunately for me, the fog lifted and I’m feeling much better this week. I can’t tell you exactly what was bothering me so much last week that changed this week. Nothing changed and I didn’t do anything differently. I continued practicing my positive habits everyday knowing that it wasn’t going to disappear overnight. Eventually those negative feelings didn’t feel so sharp anymore, even though they still linger. I am grateful that this time, the clouds didn’t hover for as long as it has in the past for me.

HOW ARE YOU ALL FEELING? Would love to hear your thoughts!