Coronaversary

It’s March. We’ve hit our one year anniversary of when it all began. One year since the pandemic officially started and forever changed our lives. An ENTIRE year! Can you believe it? It began with a 2 week lockdown and one year later, we’re still here. How do I feel about it? I have so many thoughts and feelings. Not much happened and yet everything changed all at the same time.

On a superficial level, I’ve expanded my athleisure section of my wardrobe. Now, it takes up a greater percentage of my closet. I have always loved sweatpants before but now I really love them. Sweatpants and hoodies—just give me more. One can never have enough.

In March of last year, like everyone else, I was dealing with the initial shock of a pandemic and what that meant for the world. I had my first of two anxiety attacks. I was trying to mend a broken heart and I retreated from the world. Trauma was triggered. Mental health became more important to me than ever in my adult years. I joined mental wellness support groups. It was the first time since my early twenties that I participated in talk therapy consistently for a year. And when I didn’t expect it, I learned so much about myself.

My project with a fashion client ended and I’ve been able to resume my passion project—the Cambodian cookbook. This time, I’m working on my writing, which I think is the most fun part. I’ve forgotten how much I enjoy writing. I wrote a novella in college and then continued to take a creative writing course after college but never really pursued it and I wish I had all these years, even just as a hobby. After two weeks of testing out different writing groups and getting frustrated, I finally found one that provides a supportive community for critique, workshopping, and encouragement. I guess, you can join a group for just about anything nowadays. It was something I never thought to do before and is definitely something I want to continue even after I finish my cookbook.

Most excitingly, I got my first dose of the Covid vaccine shot! It felt so sweet to get it on the anniversary of the start of the pandemic! It only took 5 hours of waiting in the cold without food or bathroom breaks to get the extra leftover vaccine, but it was completely worth it! Even though things won’t change overnight, I felt like I made it to the finish line. I was so happy and relieved. I celebrated with tacos and cake to honor the occasion! My stepfather has gotten his within the month as well. I’m just waiting for my mother to get hers so that I can see them again after TWO long years! I’m looking forward to the world resuming some sort of normalcy soon even if we have to proceed with caution.

Getting vaccinated gives me all kinds of feels and has given me so much to reflect on. What a long year it has been! We’ve all come such a long way and I’m grateful for making it through. I’m feeling good today.

The End of Summer 2020

We are in the middle of a heatwave in Los Angeles right now. It’s the end of August and also the end of the summer of 2020. What a year it has been! We are still in the midst of an on-going pandemic, which I don’t think anyone expected to last this long. The pandemic has forever changed our lives in so many ways.

Like many of you, I resisted the reality of the pandemic when Covid first took over the world. I thought it would be temporary. I was caught up in the initial shock and hysteria. I was annoyed by the inconvenience of long lines at the grocery stores, sold out supplies, business closures, and the lockdown. I was sad for the people who got sick, the kids who couldn’t go to school, and the people who lost their jobs. I was worried about the future of our economy. But other than that, I really wasn’t ready to look beyond the surface. And yet, it still felt like the world was ending because globally, we have never experienced anything like this before in our modern world that is dependent upon instant gratification, technology, endless options, and distractions.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. Up until the pandemic hit, I was working so much—balancing three clients, working day and night and weekends, in addition to managing my social media and blog, testing out recipes, and creating content. On top of all of that, I was in a relationship that drained whatever energy I had left. I was burnt out. I lost sight of the things that brought me happiness. I stopped making time for me.

But then at the start of the pandemic, my relationship ended and my work focus shifted to one client. I still continued blogging and creating content but I had more time on my hands with the lockdown and social distancing. I distracted myself with practicing ukelele, Marie-Condo-ing my closet, trying new recipes, reading, baking nutella swirl banana bread, joining Instagram Live Yoga Sculpt classes, and going on long walks. For awhile, these distractions worked. Then after a couple of months of lockdown and limited exposure to the outside world, I was spending a lot of time in my own thoughts and starting to feel very alone and isolated. I felt disconnected from my friends and family. Old traumas were triggered and I became depressed. My world seemed foggy. I lost touch with myself and I didn’t know what to do to pull myself out of the darkness.

It was a rough journey at the beginning. I was forced to grow in ways I didn’t expect. I always think I’m done growing, that I know myself, that I’ve learned everything that I’ve needed to learn, and that I’ve resolved all my past issues. The truth is, that job is never done. We are constantly faced with challenges and lessons throughout our lives and the year of 2020 is no different. As Oprah says, life is a master class and we are the students. We are tested over and over again, in different ways. And there is not one same solution.

I had to relearn how to create happiness and joy for myself in new, small and simple ways. I had to stop worrying and planning for a future that is now even more uncertain than ever. Healing really forces you to focus on the present moment and take life day by day. It does not happen overnight and does not result from making one change. Healing is a combination of many things, that together, propel you forward. I joined a support group. I started reaching out to more people, to create a community for myself with social distant walks or picnics. I set boundaries with work and committed to taking summer Fridays off to do something for myself that brings me joy, whether it meant creating new content by testing out new recipes or taking myself out for a solo lunch date or spending the day at the beach. Somehow, over the course of July, I felt so much better.

I’m an introvert at heart and I’m always searching for a connection with everyone I meet. However, I don’t always find it with people and it’s even harder to find it during a pandemic. Plus, I live in Los Angeles. I don’t think it’s crazy for me to say that it’s really hard to find a connection with people here. But this summer has taught me to reconnect with myself. And as a result, I’m learning how to reconnect with the world again. Not every connection has to be a soulful, deep connection. I think I always have that expectation of people, which would leave me feeling disappointed in the past. Now, I’m accepting the fact that some connections are small connections, but even small connections matter, especially during a global crisis.

I’m such a nerd at heart. Even my approach to mental health is nerdy. I takes notes of things that come up during the week as I engage with the world, interact with people, listen to podcasts, and participate in support group. Then I discuss these topics during my therapy sessions. I’m doing my homework. I’m working on me. It’s not always easy to do but it definitely pays off. I was so upset and depressed during the first four months of the pandemic. But these last two months of summer, I have felt so much stronger emotionally. I’ve learned so much about myself and I’m proud of my growth.

Surprisingly, I’ve had a good summer. I’ve gone to the beach more this summer than I have ever before. I’ve seen schools of dolphins almost every time I’ve visited the beach. I’ve had lovely picnics and hangouts in the park. I’ve reconnected with nature. I’ve befriended my neighbors. I made a new romantic connection. I’ve had the best birria tacos from a food truck in Echo Park. I’ve partnered with some new brands to create some fun collaborations. I’ve spent more time enjoying sunsets on my rooftop.

Now it’s the end of August and the end of summer and I can honestly say that I feel happy right now. Happy! Imagine that! Happy during a pandemic and global crisis! I’m going to try to hold onto this feeling for as long as I can because nothing in life is constant. The pandemic has really forced me to enjoy the moment, slow down, and be more present. As hard as it has been, I am so grateful for all my lessons this year.

Can We Talk About Mental Health?

Mental health is so important. Especially now, when the world seems to be falling apart and the near future looks bleak and uncertain.  No one is exempt from the many effects of Covid. Life feels so confusing. Any struggles that existed for you pre-pandemic are probably amplified right now, forcing you to confront your deepest fears and inner demons. We all have them. It’s not easy.

I am grateful that I found a new therapist just before the pandemic started, who I continue to see via Zoom. This year has been tough and it has triggered a lot of trauma, which paired w the pandemic, has made me feel even more isolated and alone. After sitting with that pain for a little bit (not wallowing but exploring those feelings, triggers, and root causes), I knew I needed to do something about it. Therapy helps, but I needed something more.

So I joined a support group. I would have never thought to do this had the pandemic not happened. It’s so easy to dismiss your feelings and distract yourself with the chaos of life when the world is running as normal. And not so easy to do, when you’re mostly confined to the four walls of your home. A lot of us avoid painful emotions or trauma because it’s uncomfortable. And we don’t like to be uncomfortable. But outside the boundaries of our comfort zone is where we grow.

I had only told one other person about joining a support group. Today, I decided to share this because I believe it’s important to talk about. It’s part of human nature to crave connection and community, and to desire to be seen and understood. Sometimes, that’s not always available with the network you have. Not everyone has the capacity to be there for you in the ways that you may need. But don’t let that discourage you from finding other resources. I’m happy I did. It has only been a few weeks, but I’m so grateful that I found a support group that I can identify with. We aren’t meant to live in this world alone. We don’t have to do everything on our own.

Like many of you, I’m healing old broken wounds. I’m falling apart so that I can rebuild myself, better than before. I’m learning how to take care of ALL of me. It’s part of growth and healing. It’s part of this journey we are all on together.

It is important to remember that social media is an edited, filtered, curated, and often staged highlight reel of life. It’s not reality. Anyone can smile quickly for a photo. Remember to take care of your mind, body, and spirit.

Hi.

It is now month 3 of quarantine and social distancing. I cannot even believe it. When the lockdown first started, they said it was only going to be 2 weeks of quarantine. Even then, I thought, 2 weeks?! I can’t do 2 weeks! And now we are in month 3! It’s almost June already! This is all so crazy. They have opened up hiking trails, beaches, and parks finally, which makes things a little bit better I guess. But still, now what?

During this whole process, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs… mostly downs. It started out rough, then I adjusted to (or got used to) this new life and felt better. But then after the lockdown end-date kept getting pushed back, I fell back into a slump. On the first official day of lockdown, I had my first anxiety attacked. About a week ago after 2 months of lockdown, I had a breakdown that lasted for about a week. I couldn’t stop crying. Everything set me off. It was hard to pull myself out of it. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t trying. I definitely put an effort into trying to change my mindset. I resorted to my usual comforts—taking walks, cooking, baking, working, listening to spiritual podcasts, hiking, talking to people, drinking, meditating—but nothing made me feel better. Plus, everyone is struggling right now and preoccupied with their own challenges, so I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone helped.

When I feel this way, I get annoyed with people’s attempts to be uplifting with their excessive positivity and gratitude messages. Like you can’t just get rid of depression by thinking positively. I practice positivity and gratitude when I can, and I do appreciate positive, grateful, and kind people, but I also think it’s important to acknowledge the shit that sometimes happens in life. It’s okay to have a shit day or a shit week. Let me have that moment versus burying it. Let me explore what’s triggering those feelings and where those feelings are coming from. I’m not encouraging negativity or marinating in your unhappy thoughts. I just don’t think that because you practice positivity and gratitude, your problems are going to magically go away. It’s okay to not feel okay all the time, as long as you at least try to practice positive habits. Hopefully, things will get better with time. And if not, thank goodness for Zoom calls with therapists!

Fortunately for me, the fog lifted and I’m feeling much better this week. I can’t tell you exactly what was bothering me so much last week that changed this week. Nothing changed and I didn’t do anything differently. I continued practicing my positive habits everyday knowing that it wasn’t going to disappear overnight. Eventually those negative feelings didn’t feel so sharp anymore, even though they still linger. I am grateful that this time, the clouds didn’t hover for as long as it has in the past for me.

HOW ARE YOU ALL FEELING? Would love to hear your thoughts!

Another Day in Quarantine

It has been a month now in quarantine and also the longest month ever. This pandemic seems like an episode of Black Mirror. It just feels so unreal. It’s nothing that I could have ever imagined experiencing in my lifetime. It felt like the world changed overnight. I’ve had friends try to comfort me by saying, “Well, at least we’re all in this together.” But for some reason, it doesn’t provide me with any sense of comfort. It actually makes me feel worse and scared that the whole world is experiencing the same thing. When my life is a mess, it always gives me hope to know that everything in the world outside my little bubble is not a mess. But when the entire world also feels like it’s falling apart, then what hope is there to cling onto? It feels like the world is ending. Sorry, I don’t mean to sound so negative. I just need to vent and let out all these emotions that are swirling in my head. This will be a very unique time in history and I want to have a record of how I felt.

Eight years ago when I left Hong Kong to move back to the U.S., I stopped in Cambodia for a couple of months on my own. The first few nights there felt a little bit unsettling for a couple reasons: 1.) I was traveling alone for an entire 2 months on my own for the first time and 2.) I was in a developing country that I wasn’t very familiar with. The first couple of nights, I was a little more cautious, aware of my surroundings, scared, nervous, and anxious. I had a vivid dream that the world was ending. Everything was falling apart. There was a volcano erupting, a tsunami, and an earthquake all happening at once. I was alone and paralyzed with fear and I didn’t know what to do. I closed my eyes, prayed to God (and I’m not religious) to give me the strength to accept my fate and everything that I cannot change so that I could be at peace. My palms were pressed tightly together against my chest, my body was tense, my eyes were squeezed shut, and I just kept praying over and over, rocking back and forth. And when I finally opened my eyes, I was surprised to find that everything was fine and had returned back to normal. There was no more earthquake, tsunami, or volcano eruption. Everything was okay. I was okay. I felt calm and at peace again. This dream from 8 years ago has stayed with me and I’m reminded of it whenever I feel scared or alone.

Right now, everything worries me. I’m worried about the future. There’s so much uncertainty. The news is all about the corona virus and all the new cases and deaths. It’s so sad and depressing. The rules and laws keep changing everyday. The lockdown keeps getting extended and I wonder when things will go back to normal. I just feel sad, anxious, and depressed. I miss human interaction. I miss leaving my apt. I miss hikes. I miss hugs. I miss seeing people. I’m grateful and fortunate that I still have work and that I’m healthy, but I still feel so alone and isolated. I’m not married. I don’t have a family here. I’m in this small apartment by myself, completely alone. I am getting frustrated with my small surroundings everyday. I’m finding myself getting frustrated with my tiny kitchen, getting annoyed working on the dining table because I don’t have an office, wishing I had a backyard, and hating my furniture and hating this apartment. These complaints seem so small and insignificant, I know. But I just feel so sad. Sad and stuck. I feel confused about my future as I’m sure everyone does. I feel lost again. What am I doing with my life? What do I want out of life? Too much time alone with my thoughts is not good. There must be a lesson for all of us to learn from this experience.

I have kept busy with consulting, creating content for Instagram, cooking lots (I’ve even made banana bread!), going on long walks, organizing my apartment, practicing ukelele, doing Instagram Live yoga workouts, drinking a lot, and watching lots of movies and shows (and running out of quality things to watch), but the days are still so long. I’ve also been eating a lot of ramen and frozen pizza. I sometimes Facetime with people or do Zoom happy hours with friends but there is little to talk about except the pandemic and all the negative ways it has affected all of us. I think we are all at a loss and we’re all trying to hold onto each other for some type of human connection and support. Sometimes commiserating together helps keep me sane and feel a little less lonely.

I haven’t worn real clothes in a month. Sweatpants and athleisure have been my staple and most of the times, I look awful. I don’t even care how I look on my work business Zoom video meetings. But on the bright side, I haven’t needed to wear makeup so my skin is probably healthier, I’m working out more than I ever have, and I haven’t really needed to shop in a month so my bills have been at their lowest.

I just need to accept that everything is out of my control right now. It’s out of all of our control. We just need to tackle one day at a time. While it’s important to stay positive, it’s hard to maintain that positivity and motivation every single day, especially every single day of a lockdown. And you know what? I think that’s okay. Nothing in life is constant. It’s okay to have bad days as long as you put in a little effort to have some good days too. Although after a month of lockdown, I’ve had a lot of bad days lately…sigh…

Ok, tell me something good.